Negotiation In Marriage

gibson123

arbroath_lass wrote: »

Why does someone have to win? Marriage is a partnership not a competition. .

I think that's what the Relate counsellor also said but OP dismissed that with her comment about some-one must have won. I don't think the OP gets partnership. She seems to want to dominate / control her OH, she needs help to let go and trust.

Eager_Elephant

gibson123 wrote: »

Why does everything have to be agreed on (run past you), he is an adult, he should be able to make decisions himself, however if he wants goats he has to take responsibility for them, feeding and general care. if he fails to do so, then the goats go.

This seems to be the issue between you, you simply do not trust (or expect) him to take responsibility for the decisions he makes.

The minute you start taking responsibility for anyone else's actions is the time that you start to eat at their confidence and ability to make these decisions and take responsibility. The problem then results in power struggles and small defiances (buying goats). It seems to me that your OH is ready to re-assert himself in the relationship, you should encourage this, but make sure he understands this means he will have to step up to his responsibilities.

When it comes to our smallholding I think it should be a joint decison as we both contribute 50% of the time and money needed to keep it going. We take it in turns each morning/evening to unlock and feed them.

I feel that if I am being expected to care for them then I should have some input in to the decision.

There is quite a lot of history on this though as many years ago now he went out with my brother and came back with 2 geese - he pretended they were for my birthday - we didn't need any geese and did not discuss it but he just got them.

Hmmm - it seems that anything to do with the smallholding he just decides what to get or do and does it without discussion.

A few years ago he mentioned getting a 4 x 4 - we discussed it and agreed that we did not have the money and we were managing fine without one. But when DH wants something he still looks even though the decision had been made. Before I knew it he had brought one off ebay - he did not have the money - £5000 so he put it on his credit card. He tried to cancel it and the man made him feel guilty so he caught the train to Leeds to collect it.

Admittedly it has come in useful but we couldn't afford it and we would have managed without it.

I think the problem is that I have always been in control - right through my child hood and now I like to have control so I know what is going on/likely to happen etc. I was a teenage mum and I don't know is this has any bearing on how I feel - I have always felt that I should provide for my son and myself and therefore don't need anyone else.

DH has never had a problem with this - or so I thought - clearly he does as he admitted that when I say no to an idea of his, he's sees it as a challenge to get it anyway.
This was discussed at Relate and the counsellor said we have a parent/child relationship but I am finding it difficult to get out of this.

Eager_Elephant

arbroath_lass wrote: »

Why does someone have to win? Marriage is a partnership not a competition. TBH (and I hope I am being unfair) you don't appear to even like your husband. Hopefully that is just because you are annoyed at the moment.

Maybe win is the wrong word but surely if a decision is discussed and my feelings are no and his are yes and he buys/gets the item anyway then he has won.

I know my marriage is not a competition but I am risk averse and my DH seems to love taking risks.

I do like my husband but our marriage is very strained and has been for years due to emotional infidelity on his part.

I am staying for our daughter who is only 10 and loves her dad so much - I have a diary on DFD which is quite long and boring and a lot of the emotional infidelity is on there.

Do you think his emotional infidelity is his way of getting control as I am the controlling person?

Eager_Elephant

andygb wrote: »

If you are a controlling person, and realise it, then you can hardly blame your husband for what happens, and you may also be the cause of his depression.

My DH has had depression since his father died when he was 16, DH had a crap childhood as his mum was an alcoholic.
He was also abused by his step-brother.

I don't believe I am the cause of his depression.

Unfortunately he sets his expectations very high and if something goes wrong his reaction to it is dis-proportionate - he would see it as the end of the world whereas I see the problem and solve it.

I think he has made me more controlling because I make the decisions, that way if it goes wrong I can deal with it without needing to stress him out.

Our family life is centred around him not getting too stressed and unfortunately his chronic migraine which he has does not help with his mental health and he is quite low at the moment so it is difficult to talk about how I am feeling as a few months ago he went missing and was found by search and rescue - the police offered him the chance to not come home and he said he wanted to as it was not home life that had caused this.

gibson123

You either have to listen to your Relate Counsellor and take his/her advice or you get out of this relationship for your OH sake. Your OH is not a child, he is an adult and he is man. I am in danger of getting shot down in flames here for sexism, but your man has probably been brought up in the traditional male role and has needs that include being loved, respected and being at least an equal partner, if not being the dominant partner. Look at the posts of the men on here and read the message, which is happy to indulge, happy to support their OH, happy to spoil them, let them have their own way and make the decisions, however, when the SHTF will step in and take charge. You are not allowing your OH to be your hero, to rescue you, to be the powerful strong one, and in every man is a little boy with his light-sabre, his pants on top of his tights and his cape flying behind. The goats, geese and sheep are red herrings, give the poor man his balls back!

Eager_Elephant

Jazee wrote: »

I like to think I'm the boss and then DH does his little boy act and gets what he wants anyway.

Ha Ha - that is what really happens to us I think - when we first got together DH did his little boy act and got what he wanted but a few years later when I realised that all this new stuff was not affordable and the debt was increasing I put a stop to it and that just made him rebel by getting credit cards and running them up to their limits and then getting another one.

Eager_Elephant

gibson123 wrote: »

You either have to listen to your Relate Counsellor and take his/her advice or you get out of this relationship for your OH sake. Your OH is not a child, he is an adult and he is man. I am in danger of getting shot down in flames here for sexism, but your man has probably been brought up in the traditional male role and has needs that include being loved, respected and being at least an equal partner, if not being the dominant partner. Look at the posts of the men on here and read the message, which is happy to indulge, happy to support their OH, happy to spoil them, let them have their own way and make the decisions, however, when the SHTF will step in and take charge. You are not allowing your OH to be your hero, to rescue you, to be the powerful strong one, and in every man is a little boy with his light-sabre, his pants on top of his tights and his cape flying behind. The goats, geese and sheep are red herrings, give the poor man his balls back!

I have told my DH that our marriage is abusive and that I think we should split up etc and he is not keen on this idea.

TBH I think we would be better as friends but at the moment this is not going to happen.

If his mental health was much better I would walk away but after what has happened recently I am loath to rock the boat.

arbroath_lass

Eager_Elephant wrote: »

I am staying for our daughter who is only 10 and loves her dad so much QUOTE]

Do you want your daughter to grow up thinking this is a normal relationship?

I think your OH does things when you've said no as he feels you are not listening to him. Does he ever get to "win" (with your approval)?

I think you both need some kind of relationship help as individuals then as a couple.

Eager_Elephant

Our Relate counselling was quite a few years ago now - and it ended when I did not feel we had finished.

Can anyone recommend any good Relate books that I can read?

I know I need to change but I don't know how

CH27

Does your poor husband have any good points in your eyes?