Negotiation In Marriage

Eager_Elephant

DH and I have big issues around decisions and who ultimately gets the final decision.

I am a controlling person (which is another issue) and make the majority of the decisions in the household.

DH is poorly with depression and a chronic migraine and I don't think he thinks rationally.

We have been to Relate years ago now and the Counsellor said that no one has to win an argument or feel like they have won over a decision but surely one person will always get their way and therefore they have won.

The most recent decision was around goats - we have a smallholding. I told DH that I was not keen as we can't afford them, he is poorly and often has days when he can't get out of bed so I have to see to the animals and sort the kids for school and then go to work and adding more animals creates more work plus once the sheep have gone to slaughter we wanted to keep that field free for a year to allow the ground time to recover.

I thought DH agreed with this but it seems he didn't and when he was offered 2 goats for free he immediately knew it was fine as there was no cost involved!! (Never mind the feed for the next x years etc)

He arranged to collect them without me knowing and when he told me the night before he expected me to go with him - luckily I was at work.

As far as he is concerned he could make that decision as he had solved all my cons on the decision - he reckons he won't be ill again so I won't need to do everything.

I think that I should have had the final decision because I see things rationally whereas he sees something he wants and goes to get it (this has contributed to his £23k of debt) regardless of the consequences.

DH admits that when he was a child he was often told he could have things and never did get them so now he is an adult he thinks he can have what he wants and even if I disagree then he can't see my point of view and gets it anyway.

Money is not always the issue although earlier this year he reduced his hours by taking a different job as he can't manage full time hours. Money is tight as we are running two homes but from Feb this will be sorted.

So as we are adults how does negotiation work if we are both so divided on what we agree to??

How do you manage in your marriage/relationship?

scooby088

I know she is the boss and I keep quiet until it goes tits up...

C_Mababejive

#1 do you love/care for this man?

gibson123

Why does everything have to be agreed on (run past you), he is an adult, he should be able to make decisions himself, however if he wants goats he has to take responsibility for them, feeding and general care. if he fails to do so, then the goats go.

This seems to be the issue between you, you simply do not trust (or expect) him to take responsibility for the decisions he makes.

The minute you start taking responsibility for anyone else's actions is the time that you start to eat at their confidence and ability to make these decisions and take responsibility. The problem then results in power struggles and small defiances (buying goats). It seems to me that your OH is ready to re-assert himself in the relationship, you should encourage this, but make sure he understands this means he will have to step up to his responsibilities.

whitewing

I am less controlling as I become happier in myself.

Most situations in my marriage are not right or wrong. Having goats is not right or wrong (I would have seen it as a decision I got to make as I run the finances, but it doesn't have to be viewed that way). There is no reason why you can't decide to be happy about the fact that you have 2 new free goats, but choosing to welcome a decision made by someone else is a skill that takes a lot of practice (or it did for me). The more I did it, the more I began to recognise that the core values in our family remain the same regardless of who makes day to day decisions.

somethingcorporate

scooby088 wrote: »

I know she is the boss and I keep quiet until it goes tits up...

^^ this.

My wife is everything to me and I want to make her happy.

If this comes at my expense then so be it!

Not helpful in your situation but if my wife really wants something (or her way) I will let her have it just to avoid arguing. It really helps and we often go 6 months without so much as a raised voice in our house.

Ich_2

It's called "give & take" no one part of a couple can always be right.
I'm sure that your OH has been unhappy with some of your decisions but accepted them - it's your turn to do the same!

arbroath_lass

Why does someone have to win? Marriage is a partnership not a competition. TBH (and I hope I am being unfair) you don't appear to even like your husband. Hopefully that is just because you are annoyed at the moment.

andygb

scooby088 wrote: »

I know she is the boss and I keep quiet until it goes tits up...

:rotfl:
On the other hand, my missus thinks that she is the boss, insists that I make the decisions/do the job, and then screams at me like a banshee when it all goes tits up;)

andygb

Eager_Elephant wrote: »

DH and I have big issues around decisions and who ultimately gets the final decision.

I am a controlling person (which is another issue) and make the majority of the decisions in the household.

DH is poorly with depression and a chronic migraine and I don't think he thinks rationally.

If you are a controlling person, and realise it, then you can hardly blame your husband for what happens, and you may also be the cause of his depression.

Jazee

I like to think I'm the boss and then DH does his little boy act and gets what he wants anyway.