Negotiation In Marriage

Welshwoofs

Eager_Elephant wrote: »

Her main issues are around my husband always ruining things for her such as her wedding by being ill. I know he has not done this on purpose but that is how she feels.

How does one 'ruin' a wedding by being ill?

Sambucus_Nigra

Eager_Elephant wrote: »

I am a controlling person (which is another issue) and make the majority of the decisions in the household.

DH is poorly with depression and a chronic migraine and I don't think he thinks rationally.

Can I turn this on it's head in that it seems to be him that always has the final say on everything and you that seems to have to give in all the time? And the blame sits on the depression and the migraines rather than on him.

I think he is perfectly rational to his advantage - just not rational to yours.

paddy's_mum

I feel very sorry for you.

Would I be close to accurate if I suggested that what has happened far too often during your marriage is that to save yourself, you have had first to save him from the dire consequences of his own stupidity?

When someone who professes to love you adds to your burdens not once, not a few, but hundreds and hundreds of times, it becomes very, very difficult to retain your faith in the marriage and your trust in that person.

I'm not sure that counselling of any kind will achieve much all the time that your husband thinks that antagonising you is part of what makes a family tick!

Person_one

gibson123 wrote: »

You are not allowing your OH to be your hero, to rescue you, to be the powerful strong one, and in every man is a little boy with his light-sabre, his pants on top of his tights and his cape flying behind. The goats, geese and sheep are red herrings, give the poor man his balls back!

If this is true I'm staying single.

OP, you sound miserable. I know this sounds really flippant, but if sex is the only thing worth staying for, leave and get a really good vibrator. Its not enough by a long way.

Lots of chidren have separated parents these days, your daughter will be fine. She will actually be better as at the moment she's living in a very dysfunctional environment.

carefullycautious

Sorry but what is emotional infidelity?

squirrelchops

Having read the thread it appears that the only really good thing in this relationship is the sex. It appears this is the only time the OP and her husband appear 'connected'.

I had a friend whose marriage was like this. She had lost respect for her husband but the sex continued to be amazing - until it wasn't any more. They are now divorced. You cannot base a whole relationship on the fleeting feelings you get from sex. (well you can when you're about 20!).

Sounds to me like the OP likes having him around for the sex and little else. You would probably be a better role model to your daughter if you were a single parent as your disdain of your husband will be very evident to her.

Eager_Elephant

Welshwoofs wrote: »

How does one 'ruin' a wedding by being ill?

My husband became ill a month before her wedding, he was in hospital for a week while they did tests as they thought he had suffered a brain haemorraghe - he did not and as he was not dying they sent him home.

He spent 3 months in bed only getting out for me to keep taking him to the doctors while they worked out what was wrong and waited for a neurologist referral.

My husband said he would come to the wedding regardless of how he felt as he knew it was important as me and DD were bridesmaids. I had tld my husband that if he was not well I would take my sister as my plus one so as not to mess up the table plan.

I did not convey this to my friend and she thought that I would not go if my husband was ill and therefore she would be down 2 bridesmaids.

My husband did attend the wedding and had a bit of a boogie (I love dancing) and then we went back to the hotel. He then suffered intensely for a whole week.

My friend said that clearly he was not that ill as he had come to the wedding and had a dance whereas she felt he should have gone to a quiter room or not come

I basically forced him to go so her wedding was not spoilt.

I told her recently that I was sorry that he went and I made him as clearly she did not appreciate the effort he put in.

Eager_Elephant

Sambucus_Nigra wrote: »

Can I turn this on it's head in that it seems to be him that always has the final say on everything and you that seems to have to give in all the time? And the blame sits on the depression and the migraines rather than on him.

I think he is perfectly rational to his advantage - just not rational to yours.

I was going to come on and post this - I have been thinking just this while I have been gone.

I like to think I am in control - the minor decisions in the household are made by me but now I realise that actually he always makes me feel bad so I give in to the big decisions and when I do put my foot down he does not like it and does it anyway.

If we had argued before we were due to visit family.have a day out, he would refuse to come unless we were on speaking terms as he was not pretending everything was fine, I would then apologise and promise everything was ok and then we could visit family/have a day out.

A few years ago I called his bluff and when he refused to come I went without him, he could not believe it and kept ringng me begging me to come back and discuss it. I told him to !!!!!! off and took me and the kids out for the day and we had a great time.

I think we had a great time because we did not have to worry about him and how he was feeling. (This is before his chronic migraine).

My whole life revolves round him and how he feels - it did before and now even more so that he is ill.
If he is not well we have to tip toe round him so as not to make him more ill etc. His moods dictate the mood of the household.

I realise it is not normal but I am not sure what to do.

I worry it is an attention thing - when he is ill, I devote my time to looking after him and running round like a blue !!! fly but when he is better I carry on with my life and I don't think he can handle it.

As I said before I think the emotional infidelity is a two pronged attention thing - firstly he gets the attention from someone online and then when I find out I go mad about it and that re-inforces the fact I must love him as I care about the EI, and then the cycle continues. Hence when I go to meetings and am not at home he tends to do this sort of thing - I assume because my attention is elsewhere.
This time when it happened (with my best friends S-I-L) I just told him I knew and it wasn't appropriate and left it at that because I did not want to give him the attention he wanted - no sure if that was right.

He has had counselling numerous times over everything that has happened to him but it never helps him change and instead we have all changed to accomodate him.

Eager_Elephant

paddy's_mum wrote: »

I feel very sorry for you.

Would I be close to accurate if I suggested that what has happened far too often during your marriage is that to save yourself, you have had first to save him from the dire consequences of his own stupidity?

When someone who professes to love you adds to your burdens not once, not a few, but hundreds and hundreds of times, it becomes very, very difficult to retain your faith in the marriage and your trust in that person.

I'm not sure that counselling of any kind will achieve much all the time that your husband thinks that antagonising you is part of what makes a family tick!

You are very accurate with your comment - DH would rather jump head long in to something without thinking of the consequences.

I forgot to say he has no 'real' family left and this adds to my feelings of not finishing our marriae otherwise where would he go?
His dad died when he was 16, his mum died 4 years ago, he has 2 half-brothers (1 abused him and the the other is an alcoholic), he sees the alcoholic maybe once a year, he also has a half-sister who we bump into once a year as well. His mother's first husband currently lives with us but I am not coping with the strain of it all so he is moving soon and we are going back to our own home.

The standing joke is that if we split my family would take him in and I would be disowned because in their eyes he is the perfect son!! :rotfl:

He tells me he loves me but I find it very hard to believe because I am always waiting for the next issue to crop up.

Sambucus_Nigra

So how do you expect this to end?