Negotiation In Marriage

Eager_Elephant

podperson wrote: »

My OH has had mental health issues for a number of years so I know how hard it can be to feel like your life is revolving around them. But I know in our case at least, my OH is very aware of that fact and feels very guilty about it - which obviously doesn't help his mental health. I try and make sure he's aware of the things he brings to the relationship as well and what he can do to help me out - for example he's at home more so does more of the housework, he's better at DIY so helps me with bits like that, he's great with computers so helps me with mine etc. I try to make sure he does feel like he still contributes and that I appreciate what he does do for me.

Before my husband had his migraine issue he recognised how his mental health affected the family etc but since his migraine issue he has not said anything about it although I assume he knows if affects us all.

Previously I have always said thanks when he has done something or shown appreciation when he has made stuff. Then it got to the point that I thought why am I thanking him for hoovering etc when we are both responsible, nobody thanks me for doing anything.

At the moment I am honestly not sure what he brings to the relationship.

Sambucus_Nigra

Eager_Elephant wrote: »

I have spoken to my daughter in a round about way and she is adamant she wants us all to be a happy family and live together.

A - No kid has the emotional intelligence to make a decision like this - this is your decision as an adult not hers.
B - You aren't a happy family though.
C - You have no idea the precedent you are setting with your daughter. She is learning that this is all ok.

Eager_Elephant

Mojisola wrote: »

E_E - have you thought that you might be depressed, too, from trying to cope with this relationship?

From what you've written on this thread, I would have said that your husband was playing you all the way. If it's a parent/child relationship, then what you've got is a manipulative teenager on your hands - don't leave me or I'll kill myself; sorry I started chatting up other women again - I won't do it again; I know you said you didn't want X/Y/Z so I just got them anyway because you always give in when I do.

It sounds like a very unhealthy relationship to raise a child in. What is she going to learn about relationships from watching her parents?

I have thought in the past that I might be depressed but I would not take medication for it. To be honest I am much better now - I am taking Agnus Castus to regulate my hormones etc and this really helps with all the emotional stuff.

I know we are in a destructive relationship and that it is very much parent/child but I am not sure how to get out of it.

I won't mention the time he messaged a friend on Facebook about a kitten and then collected it after work one day and brought it home. He did not consider the fact we are in private rental and were not allowed any more cats or that our other cats might not get on with it. Of course once it was in the house what could I do?

This is what he seems to do all the time, he asks my opinion on something, I give an answer and my reasons, within a few days he has got said thing and brought it home and then it is too late to do anything so I put up and shut up - maybe this is the problem - I don't moan too much once it is home so he sees it as a green light to do this all the time.

stargazer59

I am confused OP. You keep talking about your daughter, but then talk about "kids".

How many children do you have?

splishsplash

Are you just posting to rant, OP? It seems like you are unwilling to actually do anything about your situation. You seem resigned to living in this way for at least eight more years, so what is it exactly you think you can negotiate?

You are being played like a guitar, and you're continuing to allow it to happen, so what incentive is there for him change anything? He gets his way about everything he wants, he knows you'll remain in the marriage despite him cheating on you several times so far (calling it emotional infidelity is like calling a shovel an earth-inverting horticultural implement, it doesn't actually change what it is), he knows you'll put up and shut up if he uses emotional blackmail.

You feel pressured and martyred and mithered, but you don't really actually want anything else? You're not really expecting him to negotiate a deal where he will stop cheating on you, using you and ignoring your wishes, are you? What are you looking for, exactly?

claire16c

Eager_Elephant wrote: »

I have spoken to my daughter in a round about way and she is adamant she wants us all to be a happy family and live together. I tried to sell it to by explaining how much more fun it would be if we lived seperately and she could have sleep overs etc but she said she dit not want this.
.

What child wouldnt say that?

Tigsteroonie

Eager_Elephant wrote: »

while he has this fragile state of mind I do not want to rock the boat and I could not live with the guilt if he killed himself.

That is NOT a healthy basis for a marriage.

Eager_Elephant

My husbands migraine issues are ongoing and I just can't see an end to his illness and I know he suffers because of the chronic pain.

Basically 2 years ago he had a really bad eye infection (could not open his eye or bear light) - he was treated for keratitis and after 2 weeks it cleared up and he went back to work. On the first day back at work he got a severe pain in his head and he thought he had a brain haemoraghe so we went to hospital but it was not, he stayed in for 1 week and as they could find nothing wrong they sent him home.

The doctors tried loads of medication and nothing worked to get rid of the pain.

Eventually he was referred to a Neurologist who thought that the eye infection was actually shingles and as it had not been treated as such it had travelled down the optical nerve into the other nerves hence the intense paid on one side only - constant pain in one particular area.
He was treated with Gabapentin which made a big difference and he was able to work again albeit with quite a few days off sick.

That neurologist left and the one who replaced her was crap and for 8 months he did nothing as we were paying for acupuncture privately and it helped a lot.

We asked for a second opinion at the end of last year and we see a consultant from London. He is not sure it is not shingles related and at the moment it is being treated as a chronic migraine.

So DH has a constant migraine type pain and has had it for 2 years, his pain has reduced considerably on some new medication but what if he never gets better.

His memory is awful, I have to remind him to do things all the time, he forgets his meds, he forgets most things unless he writes them down.

I could not leave him now if I wanted to as he is ill and needs my help - he does say he appreciates the help I give him.

Obviously this chronic pain has made his depression worse and this is one of the reasons he went missing because he cannot see an end to the pain.

Eager_Elephant

stargazer59 wrote: »

I am confused OP. You keep talking about your daughter, but then talk about "kids".

How many children do you have?

Sorry, my husband and I have 1 daughter together and my son (from a previous relationship) also lives with us.

Mojisola

Eager_Elephant wrote: »

I could not leave him now if I wanted to as he is ill and needs my help - he does say he appreciates the help I give him.

It doesn't sound like it. If he really valued your help and really loved you, he wouldn't be behaving the way he does.

I think you've either got to put up or shut up - are you really going to live like this for another eight years and then leave him? If you're going to do it then, why wait? If you are going to wait, you'll have to put up with his behaviour.

Your daughter wants you all to be a "happy family" - well, you're not and there's very little chance you will be.