Time to stop pretending it will be ok!

MrBloater

Just read the whole thread in one sitting - hopefully one day you will read back the whole kaboodle and see how seriously impressive your progress and attitude has been. Just a thought on the house - I totally understand your reasons for not wanting to downsize and I have similar feelings myself about my place, but you have mentioned it is a corner plot with about a gazillion fence panels meaning it is likely rather large (or you have unfeasibly small panels down your way). Is there any mileage in seeing if any neighbour wanted to buy a chunk of your garden / looking into seeing if another dwelling could be built on the plot and sold off - I appreciate you are not exactly cash-rich at the moment to embark on such an endeavour but plenty of developers are, and for the price of a submission of plans to the local planners you could find that that odd bit of land you are thinking of putting paving slabs over might be worth a serious chunk of change to someone else. Good luck in your debt-busting mission - it is obvious you will get there and you are setting such a good example to your kids - I'm sure I echo everyone's views on here when I say that you are an absolute inspiration.

julie2710

Thank you MrBloater! I've lurked my way through your thread for a while! The fence panels, alas, are all full size which is why it's taken me all summer to paint them

I hadn't thought about selling off land? I'll have to do some investigating. I'm pretty sure my neighbour wouldn't want it, she's 83 and has a gardener for her considerably smaller plot. There's probably room for a small dwelling, although the size they build new houses these days you could probably fit in half a dozen! It is bungalow city here though so I imagine that any new build would be height restricted too!

I try and focus on what I have done rather than what I haven't but that's not alway easy when there's a long path ahead! That said lovely people like you on here are great at reminding you to see how far you've come! Thank you

I've just got in from some part time work tonight so we can now eat when we go to Norfolk next week :j The boys and I have decided on meals for the week so tomorrow I will be writing a list and then Sunday I'll shop when they aren't around to add in extras!

I have a girls night out tomorrow. I am aiming to do it for no more than the cost of petrol! Will be about a gallon of diesel maximum! There are five of us going, clubbing of all things! Anyway, I have volunteered to drive so won't be spending money on alcohol. I can drink to water with ice and a slice of lime which is free, I've put all our names on the guest list so free entry and they will all chip in for the car park! So for next to nothing I will be able to stay out dancing until the early hours and come home with sore feet but wake up free of a sore head

That's MSE for you

julie2710

Well a busy day today. All the washing done and dried between downpours, house cleaned and tidied, boys picked up from their dad, shopping done and partially packed ready for our break this week!

So looking forward to it and hoping it will give me some time to think as after today I'm both annoyed and frustrated and to be honest on the verge of telling the boy's dad he can't see them anymore.

It's always been a struggle trying to get him to have them. He spends one day a fortnight with them and I have to contact him constantly to get him to do that. I have then on occasions either paid for their train fare and dropped them to meet him at the local train station or driven the 65 mile round trip to take them to his house and/or pick them up. Last Christmas despite being unemployed he went on holiday for 7 weeks and he doesn't generally have them at half terms. He spent no additional days with them throughout their entire 8 week summer break:eek:

Anyway, I had managed to persuade him to have them from next Monday evening through to Friday am. He had mentioned he was taking some time off work so I suggested he do it to correspond with the boys holiday so that he could spend more time with them! He eventually agreed as long as I took them over to him and collected them from him at 8:30am on the Friday, so two 65 mile trips for me! I agreed to do it though as I think it's important the boys spend time with him. Unfortunately last week DS1 was told he has a theatre rehearsal on the Thursday night. I didn't have chance to mention it when I dropped the boys this Saturday as he was in such a rush but was going to tell him when I collected them from the station today. DS1 had obviously told his dad today though. So when they arrive he is clearly in a foul mood. As the boys got in the car I asked if he had any new weekend dates yet. I don't have any dates after this weekend when he can have them apart from the week days. He just snapped "no I don't". Thinking he was in a bad mood as maybe the boys had played him up I just said "you're not very happy, have they been playing up?" He literally slammed DS2s door shut, my door was open still, then he yelled at me " I wanted to take them f@@k**g trick and treating. You always f@&k up my time with them. Just f'ing take them!" And stormed off! I don't know if I was more shocked at his tirade or annoyed that he had spoken to me that way, firstly in front of everyone outside the station and secondly in earshot of his children! The more I think about it the more I just think that now may be the time to just stop his access. DS1 told me in the car on the way home that he had spent all day moaning about me and saying he was going to get pumpkins and how I've messed his plans up etc! How dare he slag me off to my boys:mad: He's behaving like a spoilt child. It's not about him and his time, it's about his boys and their time and if DS1 has a rehearsal then he has a rehearsal! There's Sunday mornings I'd have preferred not to be stood at the side of a cold wet football pitch but I have for my boys!

I'm not sure if I'm over reacting at the minute, so I've refrained from contacting him just yet until I think it over a bit more. I want to do what's right for my boys but I just don't think having to listen to him bad mouth me and then shout abuse at me in public is right either

LannieDuck

I think you bend over backwards far too much for him, especially considering he doesn't pay you anything in child support. I wouldn't be ferrying them around for him either. (Or giving him lifts anywhere as you have in the past.)

If he wants to see them that's fine, but stop doing all the running. He can pick them up / pay for train fares just as easily as you can (probably more easily since he doesn't pay any of their other expenses). If he wants them for a weekend, let him ask.

I realise you probably appreciate the time to yourself and actively want the boys to have a relationship with him, but perhaps he doesn't appreciate the weekends he has because he doesn't put any effort in? You're begging him for scraps of his time - it should be the other way around (him asking to spend time with them), or at least somewhere in the middle.

After his outburst, I wouldn't contact him at all until he apologises for the way he spoke to you. Would you take that sort of abuse from anyone else?

triple_choc_chip

Oooooh, what a cheek!
I second everything Lannieduck has written. You don't need to refuse him access, instead just sit back and wait for him to arrange contact. He hasn't had to take any responsibility up until now and you have increasingly put yourself out to ensure the boys see him which is obviously unappreciated.

From now on adopt a CBA'd approach to him, whether in regard to phoning, driving or catching trains - let him put in the effort to see his sons. There's no need to argue, just switch off emotions and get on with your life and if he asks to see his sons you can just say "That's fine, what time will you be arriving to collect them?" Simples.

satchmo1

I'd suggest "what time shall I tell the boys you will be collecting them". It changes the dynamic from you/him to him/them.

Lameduck is right, don't make any attempt to contact him/placate him. He was totally out of order, for whatever reason.

If the boys ask have you spoken to ex say "no, and I expect an apology for swearing in front of you."

julie2710

Thank you all for your comments. You are right, I have been bending over backwards for him to see his boys. It almost feels as thought have to force him to have them sometimes which just seems so wrong.

Whatever his reason for his outburst at the weekend it was unnecessary and rude and not something I'm prepared to tolerate even without the fact that it was in front of the boys. DS1 is really serious about his performing arts so to him that's his priority and to be honest I will always try and do anything I possibly can to help the boys with whatever they want to do. So the plan is to not contact him. If he contacts me I will ask for an apology before he sees the boys and I will also tell him that when he collects the boys he will need to apologise to them for the way he behaved towards their mum! If he doesn't think that's acceptable tough!

On the bright side we had a great drive across to Norfolk this morning! Arrived early afternoon, no rain and its actually pretty warm! Unfortunately I was clearly not on the ball when I packed and forgot my swimsuit :mad: That meant an unnecessary drive into town and the purchasing of a cheap one! Damn!

Boys didn't want to go and watch the entertainment tonight. By the time we'd cooked and eaten, then played a couple of games of Guess Who the time was getting on anyway! They did want to go to the arcade though! It's only small and no panic! They never want to spend anything they just want to go round and see if they can find money that's fallen out of the little 2p shove machine things or has been dropped They've both gone to bed happy! A casual walk there and back and a quick stroll around resulted in DS2 getting 33p and DS1 getting 34p and a little ball thing with a smurf in They're very good, if one of them finds two 2ps they automatically give the other one one of them! They are desperate to go into Great Yarmouth tomorrow afternoon so they can work their way along the seafront They either save it to take home and add to their piggy bank savings or buy something before we leave!

cat1978

Well I've spent the last week reading your diary and felt I had to pop on and say well done. You're an inspiration

Just wanted to say 2 things:

The right man won't be worried about your debt. I started seeing my OH 6 months ago and he was really worried as had 32k of debt with interest and charges spiralling, he thought it would put me off him. It didn't.....all I thought was thank you for trusting me with this information and how can I help. (He's since gone through step change and is currently busy ebaying to try reduce debt)

With regards to your ex, he sounds very like mine!! I would feel like I was pestering him to see our DDs and he would only make a decision 24 hours before his allotted date. He also regularly shouts and swears at me in front of kids . Working on the verbal abuse by saying if it carries on he will have to see DDs in a contact centre - this is working at the moment. I also said that he needed to give me at least a weeks notice if he wanted to see the kids and have found that since putting the ball in his court he does seem to see the kids without me pestering and getting stressed. Every now and then he doesn't see DDs which makes me and them sad, but I refuse to chase.

Anyway waffle over, keep going as you're doing so well :T

Ellieseleven

Well done Julie, you have done fantastically well so far as a role model for your children, a working one-parent and a fabulous debt-buster! You should be so proud of yourself and your achievements (despite your idiot ex:mad:)

Look how far you have come, you are truly an inspiration:)

julie2710

Well here I am. Last night of the holiday and the boys are tucked up safely in bed, things are mostly packed and we will set off early tomorrow for home. To say its been an eventful holiday is probably a bit of an understatement but I think it has given me another little lightbulb moment tonight.

Yesterday we went into Great Yarmouth and the boys did another of their arcade sweeps, they now have £3.46 each! They are so thrilled with themselves! We managed to get hold of a ticket for the greyhound races last night so we went there. The boys love it and we spent the evening picking out a dog each for the each race. DS2 picked three winners and DS1 picked three as well, not that we were placing any bets We came back had milk and biscuits and went off to bed feeling tired. Then the drama begins! 3:30am and I wake up after hearing a bang and DS1 is screaming! I rush into the boys bedroom to find he has somehow managed to fall out of bed! I grabbed him and took him into my room to calm him down as DS2 was still sleeping! Poor thing was saying he was bleeding so I turned the light on to be confronted by him with blood pouring down his neck from his chin, he'd obviously hit himself on the little cabinet next to the bed. I managed to get him to let me wipe some of the blood off but there was a really deep gash under his chin and the skin was pushed right back. I'm not one to panic but felt it really needed more than the Elastoplast I had here. So I get dressed (couldn't bring myself to go to A&E in my pjs even though I'm miles from home ) got DS1s fleece on over his onsie and trainers on, then woke DS2 up and did the same to him, got them both in the car and drove to the local hospital. Luckily we've passed it on the way to Yarmouth and its only a few minutes up the road. They were great and soon fixed him up with some glue and steri-strips! Glad I took him though. We were back here by 5am. He's been in a bit of pain today so regular paracetamol but still had a lovely day at the beach. It's been really sunny all day!

Anyway, tonight I've been sat here thinking about it all. I'm always really tough on myself. Always thinking how I'm not good enough, at most things really. My friends are always telling me I do a great job but they are my friends so what else would they say. It's been a real eye opener for me the number of people on here, complete strangers, who have no reason to be "nice" to me have said such lovely things too. So I've been sat here thinking about what I did last night! Me, on my own, got my injured DS1 and sleepy DS2 to hospital, sorted out and back safe. No help from anyone, no support from anyone, I did it! For once in my life I feel proud of myself, probably just a little fleeting moment but for now I'm proud!

So tomorrow we will head back, my boys and I. Payday has come and gone this week, I have DS1s birthday on Sunday and his trip to the ballet on Saturday. I'll sit down tomorrow night, pay all the bills, work out how much money we don't have for the month ahead and crack on with beating the debt because one day it WILL be gone and I'll be able to look back and think "I" did it

Sorry that all sounds a bit sentimental. It's funny how some events in life put others into perspective