Time to stop pretending it will be ok!

LannieDuck

Wow. As I was reading that I was thinking 'how on earth is she going to take him to A&E with DS2 to look after as well?' But you managed it! That must have been really stressful in the middle of the night. Well done.

I've said it before, but I really do admire how well you're coping. Full time job, looking after two little ones and debt busting all at once! And you keep such a positive attitude all the time (at least on here!).

You deserve to feel proud.

Ellieseleven

It's funny how some events in life put others into perspective

That's very true! When something like this happens money becomes bottom of the heap. Family matter most;)

Onwards and upwards Julie!

Ellie xx

[Deleted User]

julie2710 wrote: »

On the plus side I almost relented and bought a McDonalds coffee this morning but saved the £1.39 instead

LOL

As a MFW that made me smile.

Great diary and good luck!

PS I'm using you reason to justify school fees

Suziebabe

Hi Julie, just popping in to catch up on the last week or so - poor DS1, will he have a scar? Glad you had a nice time in Norfolk. And you are quite right to feel proud of yourself - you should pat yourself on the back more often! Reading your diaries is my guaranteed pick-me-up and inspiration!

Mark7724

Hi Julie,

I've been reading your diary and just want to say how much I admire what you are doing, it can't be easy at all for you. I hope your son is okay following his injury?

I find it difficult to understand your ex's position, how does he think not paying and being rude is a good example to his children? I wish I could see more of my two boys - I see them twice a week but I would do anything and pick them up from anywhere just to see more of them. I'm not saying that I'm perfect but the children are the most important thing.

I agree with other comments that you now need to leave contact and let him make the effort as he owes you that but more importantly his children that much too.

Hoping you have had a nice weekend and hope you don't think my comments harsh just wanted to give you another perspective.

Mark

julie2710

We made it home safely on Friday. :j Yesterday I took DS1 to the ballet for his birthday treat. It was amazing! Then a dash back to pick up DS2 and my parents and took them all to a local carnival. It was a close call, but we got into viewing position just in time for the procession

Today was DS1s birthday, so lunch and a birthday tea with my parents and brother. He had a lovely day. I made him a chocolate hedgehog cake which went down well.

His chin is healing nicely. Thank you all for your kind words. I don't think it will leave a mark, unless he decides to start picking at the scabs once the steri strips are off Tomorrow he has a bootcamp with his theatre group's casting agency, so I've had a night of filling in forms for him to take!

Mark it's interesting to hear from a mans perspective thoughts on my ex's behaviour. I really have tried my hardest to be reasonable, probably too much.

Anyway, today I had a text just saying"what time am I having the boys tomorrow?" So I politely messages back asking when I was getting an apology as I felt his outburst was unnecessary and rude and he should not have acted in such a way in front of the boys. (I know messaging isn't the best way but he will never pick up his phone to me ) So the rather than apologise he messages back saying how angry he was at me because I put DS1's theatre stuff before him having fun as a child and also he then used a load of expletives saying about how the CSA are taking loads of money out of his p1$$ poor pay, how hard he works and how little money he has left! :eek:

I'm afraid my first thought was "great! I should actually be getting some money soon then!" I was very polite in my response but did point out that firstly I don't put DS1's theatre above anything. He chooses to so it, enjoys it and I will continue to support both the boys as much as I can in anything they want to do. I also pointed out that he wasn't the only person who works hard but that I am the one who provides everything for the boys and that he has been employed since June but has still failed to offer any financial support for his sons. I also suggested that while the £88.57 I have received in the last three and a half years was hardly adequate, perhaps if he had bothered to reply to the CSA's correspondence he could have come to an agreement with them! I did point out that I have bent over backwards to make sure he sees his sons unlike plenty of people who would go down the no maintenance/no access route. Finally I took satchmo1's advice and put the ball back in his court by saying that DS1s bootcamp finishes at 2pm tomorrow so what time should I tell the boys he will be collecting them?

I had to stop myself from apologising about him being short of money! What is wrong with me? It's not my intention to put my children's father into hardship but I really need to start thinking about me a bit more! Anyway I managed to not apologise on this occasion and to be honest I'm glad I did as all I got back was a message saying, don't bother I will let work know I can go in! No mention of when he might like to see them, no weekend availability, nothing! :mad::mad:

What is even more sad is when I told the boys that dad wouldn't be able to have them this week as he was needed at work (little white lie but I don't want to go down the "dad doesn't want to have you" route) DS2 just said good and DS1, far from being upset just went "Oh well!" and carried on playing

I won't contact him again, the ball will be in his court now. Although I won't be holding my breathe!

I've also paid all the bills, usual depressing end of month stuff! Things Are looking tight but not as bad as I thought they may be! I had left £50 "in the tin" rather than take it on holiday, I have a well stocked food cupboard and freezer so should only need milk, bread, fruit and veg. I do need to sort out childcare for a night next week as away with work. I'm going to hopefully get some extra work this month again too and with the maintenance coming in that should give me a head start on next month. That said we still don't have hot water or heating. It's been pretty mild so it hasn't been a problem yet but I'm sat here with a definite cold coming and the hatches battened down in case of the impending storms! Time for a hot drink and an early night I think

LannieDuck

Well done Julie. No need to worry about causing him hardship - he hasn't given a second thought to how you and the boys are getting by financially over the last couple of years. And CSA never take more than a % anyway (although arrears might hurt...).

You're absolutely right to leave the ball in his court. Don't stop him having access, but make him actually do the work for it for a change - he can do the running to organise dates and sort out (and pay for) transport. The fact he 'gave up' his access this time rather than go to the trouble of collecting them speaks volumes.

It's very telling that the boys weren't bothered about not seeing him. As they get older (can't quite remember their ages) they might start having stronger opinions about it.

Mark7724

Hi Julie,

It must have been very hard for you not to offer to make things better or apologise but please don't ask what is wrong with you - there isn't anything wrong with you, you feel like that because you are a kind person and want to get the best out of the situation for your boys.

Also please don't think that you are causing him hardship, by your posts you have received very little money in any case and even since working nothing in months, he hasn't worried at all and has kept all of his money he has earned.

I'm sure it doesn't feel like you are doing the right thing but try to remember that actually you aren't doing anything different - you have asked for an apology, you haven't refused access and still won't, all that has to happen is he suggests the time and date and picks them up, other than those things its identical to before.

Be strong and keep going, I hope things get easier for you but more importantly make things better for the three of you.

Mark

julie2710

Thanks LannieDuck and Mark. Well I've just received a text message from him saying " you may need to know that in Nov I'll be unemployed and will be filing for bankruptcy. It's years overdue and I've carried that but you have managed to bring it on so be it!"

I have resisted the urge to respond in any way, shape or form. I'm not sure if he is just saying this to try and get a response from me or if he is actually going to throw in his job because he has been forced to support his children.

I'm sure he thinks I will panic about the house, which as I'm sure I have mentioned still has his name on the mortgage. In reality I am a little concerned but as I can't get any advice at this time of night then I will assume for the time being that the court order which relinquishes any legal and equitable right he has to the property and which stood up in court when two of his creditors tried to put a charge against it will still hold strong. I'll speak to the bank and go and see the CAB tomorrow and prepare myself for what might be my next battle

Says a lot about a person who is prepared to go to such lengths to prevent paying for his own kids! Even if it means potentially putting his own children out of a home! :mad:

Anyway, we will fight on. The boys are 8 and 5, so still pretty young but very bright. They obviously take after their mum

LannieDuck

As long as it doesn't affect the house, it won't make a bit of difference to you one way or the other since he's never given you any child support before.

I wonder how child support works during a bankruptcy? I would imagine it gets classed as a basic living requirement (since the children don't stop needing to be fed), so I imagine you'll carry on getting something (albeit maybe only £5/wk). Would be useful to check what will happen with your arrears tho. Perhaps the CSA or bankruptcy boards could advise?

Incidentally, don't for a minute let him make you believe you've bought on his bankruptcy. He has two children he's hardly paid a penny for. If anything you've been subsidising his life for the last 2-3 years.

I think you're right not to respond. I would be inclined to ignore everything from him that isn't an apology or an arrangement to collect the children. (Or an offer to pay extra CSA... but that's hardly going to happen :P)