Time to stop pretending it will be ok!

julie2710

Ok so it's Sunday night and the boys are in bed so time to catch up with what I've been up to! It's not been an easy week and a bit! The Thursday before last I woke in the small hours with earache! Now six years ago I was hospitalised for a week so it was off to the Drs. As I sat patiently in the waiting room I felt my eardrum go! So by the time I got in I had, not just the infection, but a perforated eardrum too A weeks worth of antibiotics have just about sorted it out, although they didn't do my stomach any favours.

Work has been really tough. A team meeting last week with an exam and a validation to get through! I really wasn't feeling up to either but forced myself along and got through them! So at least I don't have to worry about that now.

The boiler got fixed this week, so we now have heat and hot water :j. The really funny thing was I had put it on the timer so it came on the first morning and within 30 minutes of getting up I had to turn it off as I was too hot! Obviously I'd got used to being cold

The good news is I've finally got a CSA payment I'll just have to wait and see now whether the ex has gone ahead with his threat of throwing in his job or whether I get money again!

I haven't heard from him at all since his ridiculous last message. I've resisted the urge to contact him. I feel so sorry for DS1. He didn't seem too bothered at first but this week he asked if he was going to his dad's. I jus said that I was sorry but I hadn't heard from his dad. It was DS1's birthday the weekend his dad threw his tantrum and he hasn't even had a card What's more heartbreaking is that on Friday DS1 said to me that it was all his fault that his dad didn't want to see him! When I asked him why he would think that he said because "if I hadn't wanted to do my theatre rehearsals then none of this would have happened" and that he knows his dad doesn't like him doing theatre and dancing! I have sat down with him and explained that none of this is his fault and he must never think that way. That as parents we are (or should be ) there to support our children in whatever they want to do. I've spoken to his teacher too so that he can support him at school as well. We did that together and his teacher was lovely and said how they are friends and that the school is like a family and they will look after him and if he is ever feeling sad he can go and speak to him.

I'm feeling guilty myself now. Part of me thinks my ex has just been looking for an excuse not to see the boys and my running around taking them to him, chasing him for dates has been forcing them onto him when he didn't want them. I always thought I was doing what was best for the boys by making sure they had time with their dad. Now though, I'm thinking maybe I should have just not bothered doing that for the last three years and then DS1 would have been younger and would have been "over it" ( well at least not feeling the way he does now) by now. I'm almost thinking that even if he does get in touch now I should just tell him he's let them down too often! Is it fair for him to keep dropping them whenever he feels like it! He did a similar thing last year when he disappeared off on "holiday" for 7 weeks through December and January. I feel like whichever way I decide it will be wrong but at the end of the day I have to put their feelings first. I just hate to see DS1 so sad

Suziebabe

Hi Julie - you sound like you're having a tough time of it with your pointless ex, well done for supporting your boys through this so well, hope you've got someone supporting you? I wouldn't feel guilty about helping your boys see their dad, you've done what you thought was best for them. I've not been through the situation you're having to deal with, but my sister has been through something similar with her daughters, and she thought about how she would explain her actions to them when they were adults, and able to make their own minds up as to who was looking out for them. She ended up losing contact with their dad for a few years, which was hard for the girls, but saved a lot of arguments and stress - in the end the girls got in touch with their dad when they were older teenagers, and managed to build a relationship of sorts, but they never quite forgave him for giving their mum such a hard time and making life so difficult. And he did regret it, eventually, but he made his own bed, as they say - and at least my sister & her girls were able to get on with their lives with less day to day stress and worry about whether he was going to turn up to fetch them, and if he did whether he'd cause a big row to upset every one. It's different for everyone I know, just wanted to share what happened to them.

Well done on passing your tests, and especially the boiler - time for a soak in the bath and let your worries go for an hour!

LannieDuck

Poor DS1 What sort of a Dad doesn't even send his kid a birthday card?

Here's hoping the CSA payments continue.

Sazzie23

Don't suppose the father gave how the children a second thought, does sound like a self centred numptee. I'm sure he had redeeming features when you married him, but he's certainly no loss now. Well done for getting through so well so far, you can make it through - an inspiration.

CFC

julie2710 wrote: »

Pelirocco, I get what you are saying about selling the house, I really do it's not such a cut and dried decision though unfortunately. My mortgage is currently around the £173k area but that has my exs name on it still. If I move and remortgage it will be in my sole name obviously which will mean lower mortgage. In this area you can barely get a small 3bed semi for less than £250-270k. )

If you can't afford it, why does it have to be a 3 bed semi?
The world doesn't fall apart if you live in a terrace house, you know....

satchmo1

My sisters ex messed his children around so much, and lied about so many things (including lying about his mother dying he was that bad), that they, when they were adults, disowned him. Sister's son even went as far as changing his surname by deed poll when he was 18.

julie2710

Thanks guys for the words of comfort re DS1 and his dad. I'm sure karma will come back to bite his dad eventually, I just don't want Ds1 taking on the burden of it all himself. He's quite a sensitive little boy and I know he thinks a lot about things. I guess all I can do is keep being here for him.

CFC - it's not a case of not being able to afford a 3 bed semi, it's just that the benefits (including financial) of actually moving from where I am now to downsize what would be a huge amount to a three bed semi don't really make it worth the stress and effort. You're right it wouldn't be the end of the world to move to a terraced house but where I live there is probably one row of terraced houses, even three bed semis are pretty hard to find on the market (I've just looked at Rightmove and there are 10 priced between £200-245k, two need refurbishment and one is grade two listed!) most of the properties here are either big detached houses or bungalows of various forms. And before you say we could move elsewhere, yes we could, but then the boys would possibly need to change school, I would be away from my support network of friends (I know I could make more friends but it takes time to build up a network of people you would trust to look after your children). Then there is the location. Moving away would have such a huge impact on our whole life that it would just not be worth it!

I haven't ruled it out completely although having spoken to my bank last week, they have changed the rules on porting over the rate I currently have on my mortgage so I would only get £86k at the 0.34% above base and any additional, probably about £40k would have to go onto one of their other rates. so even with that bit on their best rate I would only save about £200 per month. I do seriously have to ask if it is worth all the upheaval for such a small benefit. I've managed for the last five years, another 14 maximum and I'll be mortgage as well as debt free so maybe it's worth the slog

julie2710

Just wanted to pop on quickly to update my signature as it's that happy day of the month when I check how much I've paid off the mortgage that according to my bank has been unaffordable for me for the last 5 years . Well another £930 off the balance! Great news that the balance is coming down so well, just a shame it's not coming off the more expensive debts at that rate. Still in the "trying to look at what I have achieved rather than what I haven't, that's just about reduced my total outstanding debt by almost £14k so far this year. (Small pat on the back deserved )

Right off to pick up DS1 and an early night tonight as DS1 & DS2 spent most of last night waking up with bad dreams, wanting water or throwing up in DS2's case, so a tired start to the week

Verbatim

Seems sensible to stay put. You've done the sums and listed the pros and cons and from what you say you're managing fine. It also sounds like you are likely to get further salary increases as time goes on. If things ever changed for the worse you could re-evaluate then. Or if you have a spare room have a lodger or foreign English language student. Right now you have a sizeable asset which will probably increase in value. I'd sit tight.

katsclaws

Hello julie, it sounds as if you love your home and it provides a stable environment for your sons. I think given what you have achieved so far you will be better off staying where you are. It's not easy being a single parent with no support from your sons' dad but you are doing a brilliant job. Big pat on the back.