Time to stop pretending it will be ok!

wantabetterlife

Hi Julie I found your diary earlier today and have spent most of the day reading it. I think you are truly inspirational and a great role model to your two sons, as they nicely pointed out to your ex.

I know you think it will not get easier but once you have the debt cleared you will have £1000 extra per month and hopefully the maintenance will also help a bit. Every penny paid is a step in the right direction, I think it is even harder for someone on their own to keep up the momentum as there is no one else at home to share the burden with...so a big fat well done to you for getting this far :j:j:j

julie2710

Thanks for your support. Oh Puzzcat,I only wish I had been overpaying the mortgage! I've just been fortunate that the interest rate on it is fixed at 0.34% above base rate, lifetime tracker. I must have done something right at some point as from the moment my ex left me the base rate started dropping on a monthly basis and has stayed low! It means that of what is a pretty big mortgage payment over £950 a month is coming off the balance! It's one of the things that cheers me up each month!

Well did work tonight but the money is going to go in the tin I'm afraid. Need to use a bit for spending money and petrol as we are going to Great Yarmouth for 5 days in the half term. I'm not worried about spending loads as boys are more than happy with swimming and eating in the caravan. I might join them in searching for left behind change this time in the arcades

I've also been asked out on a second date for Monday! I really want to go as the guy is lovely and it's been such a long time since I've dated but they childminding money is grating a bit! It will cost me £20 on top of what I paid for childminding for my date this week! He's asked me out for a meal and I suspect he'll pay for it all as he wouldn't let me pay for a drink this week (thank goodness ) Feel I should at least buy a drink though! Oh god! Do I really need to not date anyone until I've paid my debts? I'll be waiting for a chance meeting at the Darby and Jones club at that rate

Right off to bed. It's freezing and with no heating, bed is going to be the warmest place!

markdebby

Julie, go for it.life is to short for you not to have some fun.
He might not realise you are paying babysitting fees.

wantabetterlife

I agree Julie...its not very often that special people come into our lives...your debt has cost you enough...don't let it take any chance of future happiness too. If it is meant to be he will understand about your finances and will be there to support you .

julie2710

Just on for a quick rant! I'm absolutely fuming with the CSA. What the hell do these people do? I have just spoken to them as I had been sent a payment schedule, which I had confirmed with someone on the phone, that said my first payment would be received by me on the 11 October. Well here we are and no money! I'm already owed arrears from June as it is! Last payment if £10 was the 19th June :eek:

Useless woman on the phone now informs me that at the earliest I won't receive any payment until the start of November :eek: Apparently that is down to payment schedules and the extra 3 weeks won't be counted as arrears it will just mean I'm paid more in arrears than the previous schedule so the payment missed wont be made up until the end of my claim, so potentially 2026 :mad::mad:

I am seriously angry! I just feel like the whole system is there to be a used by fathers who can't be @r$ed to support their children! £88.57 in 3 years is all the CSA have managed to get out of him! I guess I'll just have to hold off calling the guy in to come and sort out the heating and hot water and hope we don't freeze in the meantime. I'm sure the boys will appreciate the explanation she gave me when they are shivering!

Off to calm down/stop crying and pick myself up yet again

princesst84

wantabetterlife wrote: »

I agree Julie...its not very often that special people come into our lives...your debt has cost you enough...don't let it take any chance of future happiness too. If it is meant to be he will understand about your finances and will be there to support you .

Beautifully put xx

LannieDuck

Can you escalate to a supervisor? Explain you've received a grand total of £88 in three years, and you were told by x person on y date at z time (or even better if you have it in a letter) that you would receive the first payment of the new schedule on Oct 11th. You'd like to know why this has now changed and you weren't informed.

princesst84

Oh Julie, so sorry you have had such a cr*ppy start to your week. I have no personal experience of CSA but their ineptitude has seriously affected peoples lives that I know.

Why certain men feel it is acceptable to shirk their responsibilities I do not know!!! My mum never received a penny in CSA from my dad and they split up when I was 4.
xx

pelirocco

julie2710 wrote: »

Hi Princesst84

Yes the bursary came through. 25% off both the boys and they've agreed it for two years. It will certainly help a bit. The school/schools DS2 has his eye on for the future offer scholarships based on ability. The local performing arts school, the one his teacher thinks isn't good enough for him is cheaper than his current school! It's a little way off yet still but surprising how the time flies!

I am a little reluctant to sell the house too, although I know I'll have to look at what's best for us and keep re-evaluating. If I kept it I know I would stay here for ever! It was extended and totally refurbished when I was with my ex, that's why the mortgage was so high. It's in a fab location and has a lovely garden, big kitchen. I know I would miss it and the boys would too, although I'm sure they'd adapt to wherever we were. In just 11 years it will be paid off completely! Sounds a million miles away but when I think I've just done 5 years on my own, that's virtually a third of what was left when my ex left! If I think about what I have done rather than what I haven't it all sounds so much better!

Just a thought , but how old will your boys be in 11 years time?

I'm guessing your eldest may have left school / away at University and the other one coming close to that . Downsizing and freeing up money now while they are still young may be the best way to go

julie2710

Apologies, haven't been in hiding but a busy week this week. Meetings at work, my DS1 was appearing in Aida, on the wind down to the weekend now though.

Pelirocco, I get what you are saying about selling the house, I really do it's not such a cut and dried decision though unfortunately. My mortgage is currently around the £173k area but that has my exs name on it still. If I move and remortgage it will be in my sole name obviously which will mean lower mortgage. In this area you can barely get a small 3bed semi for less than £250-270k. Moving out of the area isn't an option as I have my job, the boys schools as well as my support network and family, which I would really struggle without. Then there's the financial implications of actually moving. Even if my place sold at the value price of £350K by the time I take out estate agent fees, legal fees, stamp duty on the new place, moving fees then put down a big enough deposit to allow me to gain a mortgage to buy a suitable much smaller property I would struggle to have enough to clear my debt.

Part of me thinks I would have been better off not even trying to manage this on my own when my ex left 5 years ago. If I'd stopped paying the mortgage then, had the house repossessed and given up work I would probably be cash richer than I am now. Would I be happier though? I suppose I'll never know the answer to that question but what I do know is that I would absolutely hate the thought of not working and having to rely on the state to provide for my family.

So back to now. It's been a cheap week. Eating out of the freezer and cupboards. I'm meal planning for our trip to Norfolk next week to keep costs down. Still surviving without the heating and hot water. It's been so cold some nights. I've resorted to putting the gas fire on a couple of times but we are managing.

Have some extra work tomorrow which should see me through to payday, thank goodness!

The week after next the boys will be going to their Dads for a coup,e of days. I can't believe how much I have to chase him to get him to commit to having them! It's driving me nuts and I'm almost at the point of telling him not to even bother but it's just not fair on the boys. DS2 wouldn't mind in all fairness but DS1 would be upset and I'm struggling a bit with what to do for the best.

On the plus side I almost relented and bought a McDonalds coffee this morning but saved the £1.39 instead