Just confirmed my family have planned my life for me

margaretclare

mumps wrote: »

But rather more than a police check. Does he have a standard or enhanced? Enhanced I hope.

I've no idea. I said he 'used to' do this. He hasn't been asked to, for a while, but he does still go to the 'silver surfers' club under the auspices of the LA. They meet monthly and a lot of the 'oldies' manage to get out and go to that.

I completely agree with Mojisola today.

Life is for living to the full and it's far better to be independent rather than to assume that there'll always be some relative to pick up the pieces.

With that in mind, it's almost a new year and new month, and by the time we get home late on Wednesday, all our monthly direct debits will have gone out without our having to do anything about them - these are the regular bills, council tax, utilities etc. Peace of mind.

MrsTinks

Just a brief point but really there is nothing stopping elderly people from learning how to "surf"... My step grandmother is a great example! She's been on her own for many years but in her seventies (late) decided to get a laptop so she could skype the children and grandchildren... she surfs, mails, skypes and even facebooks!!! She's in her mid 80's now btw. Don't put people on a shelf just because of their age. If they are willing then they can. My real grandparents on the other hand refused to even entertain the possibility of a basic mobile phone for emergencies... too complicated. In reality they were simply unwilling to entertain the idea of something "new". Alas they could when they wanted to... my grand dad was always able to master the latest TV technology without a hitch...

My dad was a good enabler though... he even had a spare stock at home of phones in case their one broke and needed replacing after they refused to use a new modern one (honestly... it was just a slightly newer model! It didn't have any new functions like answer phone etc!) - but for an easy life he simply picked up a few extra's so he didn't have to go through that again...

My aunt interestingly was the one who moved away and my dad (the youngest) was the one who looked after them, driving long distances EVERY day to see them and check up on them, even when they went into a nursing home (where our good fortune meant my half sister actually worked so saw them nearly daily until they passed away).

At 60 I think the OP is entitled to a life, if her parents need it then there are services that can provide them with a proper carer and if they are unable to cope at home then there are plenty of good protected housing options or nursing homes. I'm sure the OP is not unwilling to help them find such a place

Poppy9

I felt sad reading the OP. I can understand that the OP is angry/upset at being taken for granted, put upon etc. but I don't think I could have abandoned my parents.

I lost my parents in my early twenties but we were the carers for my inlaws. Unlike OP my husband was "left" looking after his disabled father and mother as his sister moved away at 18 and never returned. Not only did she not return for the last 4 years of her mother's life she didn't visit so we had to take MIL to visit her and she was a 4 hour drive away. After a couple of trips we insisted she went by train even though she hated this as she had to change stations in London (she was early 70s at the time). FIL died about 7 years ago and MIL 18 months ago so we had almost 25 years of being the main carers.

To make it easier on ourselves we lived just 5 minutes away. We could never have relocated and left them to it. It was a bind, but we got on with our lives and my family would keep an eye on them when went away on holiday.

A year ago my eldest sister was taken ill with a brain tumour. She lost the ability to walk so needed full time care. Her DD returned from living abroad to look after her and her son who lived close by also helped out a lot. Plus myself and my other sister helped out. I work full time but was considering going part time so I can be more involved as a carer for her so her DD didn't give up her life. Her DD didn't find it a burden though looking after her mum, though it made her mother cry that she had to do so much for her. Sadly my sister didn't make it and her DD has stayed to look after her Dad. She says she can never leave him and is happy to stay. Her son also sees/speaks to his Dad daily, invites him on holidays etc.

I have to be honest OP I don't know if you are doing the right thing by leaving your parents but perhaps that is because I was brought up seeing family taking care of family.

Saying that I have told my DD that if we need care when we are older to stick us in a home and get on with her life!

Mojisola

Poppy9 wrote: »

I have to be honest OP I don't know if you are doing the right thing by leaving your parents but perhaps that is because I was brought up seeing family taking care of family.

A lot depends on the relationship you have. Money and her mother both agree that they can't stay in the same room together for more than a few hours. How on earth could she become her carer?

Poppy9

Mojisola wrote: »

A lot depends on the relationship you have. Money and her mother both agree that they can't stay in the same room together for more than a few hours. How on earth could she become her carer?

My OH had a difficult relationship with his father as his father was an ungrateful, selfish man but he was disabled, quite severely for last 10 years. We couldn't just move away though and pretend we were not needed. Like OP the absent child, OH sister, was the darling child, whereas my OH was called all the names under the sun by his father.

Afterwards we were left with his mother who providing you stood up to her was manageable but she did become difficult in the last year, we suspected dementia, and it was upsetting for our DD to see her change.

At the end of the day though we can say we did the right thing by them and feel no guilt. The golden, but very absent DD still inherited equally with OH but she has to live with what she did. She herself is now disabled, along with her OH and they have moved hundreds of miles to be close to us last year. OH refuses to be their carer though.

poet123

Poppy9 wrote: »

I felt sad reading the OP. I can understand that the OP is angry/upset at being taken for granted, put upon etc. but I don't think I could have abandoned my parents.

I lost my parents in my early twenties but we were the carers for my inlaws. Unlike OP my husband was "left" looking after his disabled father and mother as his sister moved away at 18 and never returned. Not only did she not return for the last 4 years of her mother's life she didn't visit so we had to take MIL to visit her and she was a 4 hour drive away. After a couple of trips we insisted she went by train even though she hated this as she had to change stations in London (she was early 70s at the time). FIL died about 7 years ago and MIL 18 months ago so we had almost 25 years of being the main carers.

To make it easier on ourselves we lived just 5 minutes away. We could never have relocated and left them to it. It was a bind, but we got on with our lives and my family would keep an eye on them when went away on holiday.

A year ago my eldest sister was taken ill with a brain tumour. She lost the ability to walk so needed full time care. Her DD returned from living abroad to look after her and her son who lived close by also helped out a lot. Plus myself and my other sister helped out. I work full time but was considering going part time so I can be more involved as a carer for her so her DD didn't give up her life. Her DD didn't find it a burden though looking after her mum, though it made her mother cry that she had to do so much for her. Sadly my sister didn't make it and her DD has stayed to look after her Dad. She says she can never leave him and is happy to stay. Her son also sees/speaks to his Dad daily, invites him on holidays etc.

I have to be honest OP I don't know if you are doing the right thing by leaving your parents but perhaps that is because I was brought up seeing family taking care of family.

Saying that I have told my DD that if we need care when we are older to stick us in a home and get on with her life!

I couldn't have done it either. I looked after my mother for 10 years after my father died, she lived alone but I picked her up almost every morning after the school run and she stayed with me all day. I have a lovely older brother who lived as near as I did but unless specifically asked he didn't really get involved. That said, I always knew he would drop everything to help if needed, which he did towards the end of her life.

I had my own family including four children but we got on with it, it was restricting in some ways but my children did gain so much from that extended family contact. So I have no regrets. Had I not been a woman, with a husband happy to support me and our children I couldn't have done as much as I did. My brother had to support his family so the onus fell on me to be there for our Mother. He did appreciate what I did though and said so in his speech at her funeral.

I think it is down to example, my Nan lived with us, and so taking care of immediate family seems normal to me.

Poppy9

Just remembered I used to be really annoyed with my mother's two sisters who relied on my mother to look after their mother.

I remember a couple of occasions where she had to live with us to recuperate after major surgery. Despite us have the least room, 4 kids, in 3 bed house and my brother having to sleep on sofa for months on end, it was us who she came to. My mother was middle child, but the doer of the family so her sisters who had empty bedrooms left her to it!

My Gran outlived my mother and another DD and the elder surviving daughter stuck her in a home, sold her possessions and even had her cremated when she had specifically said she wanted to be buried! Karma is a b!tch though as she is now late eighties, her own DD has left her to it and me and my sisters stopped looking after her a few years ago after she threw it back in our faces big time and her DD accused us of being after the money!

I will do the right thing, but I won't be a mug.

Mojisola

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

My brother was not very happy at all to be told by me that I will be moving to elsewhere in the country myself soon and am in process of selling my house/moving to the next one currently.

His concern - reiterated more than once - is what will happen to our mother when I do. I was so shocked (if not surprised) that he clearly feels this is my concern and my concern only (nothing to do with him of course:cool:) that I didn't have the sense to reply with "Well...what do YOU think about that?".

I'm not surprised somehow. I have wondered for years if the rest of family (father, mother and brother) have all calmly decided what I will do with the "rest of my life" and assumed I will turn into an unpaid carer if/when needed.

So, I've carried on making my plans for retirement and am now implementing them, whilst all three of them have "buried their heads in the sand" and assumed that I will do what they want in this respect and live my life to suit them.:eek:

Obviously, I want to know my mother is safely "sorted out" and able to manage okay and I have tried over the years to try and persuade her to learn to be more "independent" (learn to drive/get on the Internet/move to "easier" accommodation/change the bills to direct debit/etc) and got nowhere. It feels like she has "buried her head in the sand" and decided that if she doesnt arrange to be "independent" then she won't ever have to be:cool:.

So, my brother is trying to "wash his hands" of it by the look of it and my parents look as if they have been "washing their hands" of it all this time and all just relying on me to ruin my own life and "pick up the pieces".

Poppy9 wrote: »

My OH had a difficult relationship with his father as his father was an ungrateful, selfish man but he was disabled, quite severely for last 10 years. We couldn't just move away though and pretend we were not needed. Like OP the absent child, OH sister, was the darling child, whereas my OH was called all the names under the sun by his father.

Afterwards we were left with his mother who providing you stood up to her was manageable but she did become difficult in the last year, we suspected dementia, and it was upsetting for our DD to see her change.

At the end of the day though we can say we did the right thing by them and feel no guilt.

I also cared for my parents - still am for my Dad to some extent although he's in a care home now - but my parents and siblings didn't expect me to give up my life to do so while they took on no responsibility.

In money's situation, I don't think I would have done. She has been trying to help without any of the rest of them co-operating or putting themselves out to make their lives easier. There's only so long that you can keep banging your head against a brick wall.

Although I have been a carer, I wouldn't try to make anyone who decided against it to feel guilty. It's not easy, even when everyone gets on well with each other, and not everyone is cut out to do what's involved.

Poppy9

Mojisola wrote: »

Although I have been a carer, I wouldn't try to make anyone who decided against it to feel guilty. It's not easy, even when everyone gets on well with each other, and not everyone is cut out to do what's involved.

I don't wish to make OP feel guilty, but I just don't think she will find it as easy as she thinks walking away.

She needs to consider if she will actually make things worse for herself by moving a distance away from them. Even if her parents do become more independent as they age this will fall off and then she may find herself more pulled.

Maybe her brother will step into the void, in which case she's onto a winner, but what if something happens to her brother.

I'm all for you only have one life so live it, but most people don't find it easy to walk away as their conscience will !!!!! them.

Ideally she should have asserted herself years ago, but it's not easy to stand up to your parents so resentment builds and the air is never cleared.

She is moving away to a new area where she knows no one. Why not stay local and just back off from being at beck and call for non emergencies. She could also tell her brother that there are weeks etc. that he is on duty and she will not be around. That way she keeps her friends as a support network for herself but can still keep an eye on her parents.

Mojisola

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

In my case I assumed that maybe, at some point, my brother and I might communicate more than very occasionally and very briefly and have discussions about what WE thought about the parents' situation. I was wrong there then wasn't I?:o All this time he had been busily assuming, it would appear, that I would deal with everything all on my little ownio. I could feel great waves of anger and resentment coming from him when I said I will be moving away - almost like "How dare she?".

I have learnt a few things already in the course of this. One being just how selfish my brother apparently is (though he has always been Favourite Child as far as my mother is concerned).

The other being just how kind and perceptive my parents' next door neighbours are. I've had more conversations with my parents' neighbours about this than I have with my own brother. My parents are extraordinarily lucky to have the neighbours they have. I, on the other hand, never realised JUST how perceptive they seem to be. I have discussed this situation with them and my various mixed feelings on this and been told to "Get on with your own life" by them. There ain't many neighbours as good as that...:T...but I don't want to feel that any of us are imposing on their goodwill obviously.

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

That area of the country will suit me a lot better than this one actually and I am looking forward to having a garden at last. My own area has lost its sense of community that it once had and I need to move somewhere smaller/etc that still has a community feel (which is something I feel is all the more important for me because I am a woman on my own).

Poppy9 wrote: »

She is moving away to a new area where she knows no one. Why not stay local and just back off from being at beck and call for non emergencies. She could also tell her brother that there are weeks etc. that he is on duty and she will not be around. That way she keeps her friends as a support network for herself but can still keep an eye on her parents.

I think she's explained why she needs to move away.

It sounds like it's time for the Favourite Child to step up to help or be prepared to see his inheritance be spent on buying care in.