Just confirmed my family have planned my life for me

Brighton_belle

Poppy9 wrote: »

She is moving away to a new area where she knows no one. Why not stay local and just back off from being at beck and call for non emergencies.

The OP has repeatedly explained she can not afford to. Her own house is deteriorating and has to be sold. She cannot afford anything else in the area. She needs to sell soon.
She does not have a husband or children for present and future support. I think that would make a difference as to how much one can sacrifce ones own life.

poet123

I agree with Poppy, the OP may be unconsciously making more problems for herself than she needs to. I think instead of all the supposing about what will happen or what is "expected" to happen, there should be a frank discussion between the two siblings.

If you are a single carer it appears to me that your life is worse than those who also have families. With the best will in the world you cannot be on call or there 24/7 and realistically you are not expected to be. If you are single the expectation must be that you will devote yourself to caring as you have no other responsibilities. In my opinion it is that kind of caring the OP needs to guard against. It is unfair and limiting, and ultimately could mean the single carer is the one who ends up alone with no support network as they have been too busy caring to develop one.

A happy medium should be achieveable if all concerned are frank with each other. And it has to be an easier conversation to say "I want to help, but you have to understand I also need to have my own life too" as opposed to "ok I am off now, hope everything works out for you" In my opinion anyway.

moneyistooshorttomention

Mojisola

You are to be admired for both being prepared to be a carer one the one hand - whilst understanding that it isn't right/possible for everyone. That is very good of you to see other peoples viewpoints on this:T

I know my own "limitations" pretty well I think. I am perfectly prepared to keep a bit of an eye out for doing odd little bits of helping a total stranger in passing - as you never know when it will be your turn to want that.

But...I am aware that I am doing my best never to be in a position where the thought of having a carer myself would even cross anyone else's mind. I wouldnt want to have someone be an unpaid carer to me...I wouldnt ask for it...I wouldnt accept it if freely offered. I would hate to feel "a burden" and wouldnt be prepared to be one ever. I am perfectly prepared to spend whatever money I have on paying to get anything done for me that I cant do or dont want to do. If someone wants to do anything as a paid job and is prepared to take my money to do something for me and glad of the chance to earn the money - then thats one thing and I am quite happy to help them "earn a salary" (as we all need the money to live on). That's quite a different kettle of fish though.

As a side thought - re the needing caring for myself...I am actually doing one VERY basic thing to ensure my health stays okay without accidents creating problems, by ensuring that I don't regularly take the risks I currently take every time I access my main storage space. My main storage space is in the loft in this house and I am therefore frequently climbing up and down a loft ladder over a stairwell and none too happy at doing this at age 60 and I certainly don't want to be still having to do that if I get a bit weaker with age. When I move, then chances are that "main storage space" will be a garage - I don't have any problems with that...

Mojisola

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

You are to be admired for both being prepared to be a carer one the one hand - whilst understanding that it isn't right/possible for everyone. That is very good of you to see other peoples viewpoints on this:T

Thanks! (Quietly blushes!)

Poppy9

Brighton_belle wrote: »

The OP has repeatedly explained she can not afford to. Her own house is deteriorating and has to be sold. She cannot afford anything else in the area. She needs to sell soon.
She does not have a husband or children for present and future support. I think that would make a difference as to how much one can sacrifce ones own life.

I understand it's difficult but she should explore if she is entitled to carer's allowance, plus her parents and brother must be made aware of her financial predicament, especially if they have savings/own their own home etc. If her parents have money for a rainy day, the rainy day is now here.

Edit to add - have you been in touch with Social Services about home help for your parents. I know many older people anxious about SS poking their nose in or thinking that their savings will mean them having to fork out a fortune on carers but they can have £23k savings, plus in Wales they have Govt. charging policies so people are not spending all their money on carers.

A carer came in to get him up and shower my FIL everyday for 20 years and in later years to put him to bed. Also he had a lifeline buzzer, which admitted rang us first (he was prone to fits and falling) but we could then pick him up and it meant he didn't have to be admitted to hospital (which would have involved us having quite a round trip doing hospital visiting every day.

Mojisola

Poppy9 wrote: »

I understand it's difficult but she should explore if she is entitled to carer's allowance, plus her parents and brother must be made aware of her financial predicament, especially if they have savings/own their own home etc. If her parents have money for a rainy day, the rainy day is now here.

Have you missed the bits about everyone in the family recognising that money and her mother do not get on?

mumps

MrsTine wrote: »

Just a brief point but really there is nothing stopping elderly people from learning how to "surf"...

I don't think anyone has said their is something stopping elderly people from learning how to "surf" but I and other people have said elderly people don't have to do because other people think they should. Just because you reach a certain birthday doesn't mean you become a child again and other people can tell you what to do.

Poppy9

Mojisola wrote: »

Have you missed the bits about everyone in the family recognising that money and her mother do not get on?

Not at all but she's still her mother and there is obviously some feeling there from the OP as she's looked after her mother for years.

mumps

margaretclare wrote: »

Just to add a couple of points: Jazabelle, I'm glad you mentioned silver surfers. DH has for a long time now been a volunteer, police-checked so that he can go into people's homes to help them set up and run their newly-acquired laptops,skype, all the rest. Many of them are 80-90 and have been so pleased, now able to keep in touch with relatives at the other side of the world.

margaretclare wrote: »

I've no idea. I said he 'used to' do this.

No you didn't mention "used to ".

chewynut

I've got to admit I've skipped about four pages. I hope the OP's situation has been resolved and her brother has grown up a bit!

My grandad was more independent than me until he reached 83, then literally overnight everything changed and he needs a lot of help now.

My mother's brother is an absolute bumhead and moved down south with his wife so he could avoid having anything to do with my grandad. Nonetheless, he used to ring my mum to check she wasn't spending too much of my grandad's money on 'stupid' stuff like mobility scooters and handrails because it was their inheritance she was spending! She stopped answering his calls after a year because the stuff he was coming out with was horrendous considering he was talking about his own dad :mad:

Necessity is a wonderful thing. My Grandad had no desire for fancy gadgets until he was on his own. Suddenly he's got a big TV and an iPad he's learned how to use by himself. He was resisting one of those magic chairs that lift you up until he needed to go into respite care and realised how great they are for him. He gets around on a mobility scooter which has done nothing for his mobility but means he can have a social life and visit the places he used to.

My grandad is going to be moving into one of the community village complex things that have been mentioned before on this thread. He's been waiting for it to be built and the builders are literally handing it over this week. It's going to be heaven on earth for him because everything's flat and he's going to be able to go to the swimming pool by himself again! He's paying through the nose for it but we're hoping that because it's such an amazing place, he's not going to need half as much care as he does now. We didn't think he'd be able to afford it but my parents went down to talk to Trident, who built the place and there's different things they can do to help. It's always worth asking!