Just confirmed my family have planned my life for me

moneyistooshorttomention

I dont think it unreasonable of my mother to have some help from me - though we "grate" on each others' nerves if together for too long at a stretch and think I am basically a reasonably helpful person - so I try to do what bits I can. My parents and I are able to have a wry grin sometimes about the thought of my mother and I together for that long at a stretch:rotfl:

It is simply not possible to keep my present house. I have to sell it anyway for several reasons I won't go into and would have to raid savings to even buy the same type of house here. It's not a house that I have ever particularly liked and I will feel worse about it as things change here. The situation is such, in a variety of respects, that I have to "get a move on" with selling this house before various factors cause it to lose some of its value and I could maybe never move on. On moving to another area I can have a reasonable house and the garden I have been longing for for years. As I have to go to all the expense and upheaval of moving anyway, then I will be moving to a house and area that will suit me much better and have decided that instead of thinking "Needs must" about a move that I will regard it as an "opportunity to take". I was unable to move any sooner, because I needed to be somewhere where there are a reasonable number of jobs. Now I've retired, it won't matter a bit to me personally if there aren't any jobs at all to speak of anyway.

I understand the point re me taking up driving, but I can't afford a car anyway and will be moving to a house that is easy walking distance from the High Street in that location - so will be able to get out and about for practical purposes without having to even think of public transport (though I've plans on using the local buses a lot for exploring the area) and...yep...perfectly possible to use one of those little "scooter" things if need be if decrepitude set in and I was prepared to...:rotfl:

There is now a shower in my parents' house, as my mother is now unable to comfortably use a bath - so that's something. Overdue - but at least it's there now.

I have sent an email to AgeUK after the first comment about it asking what sort of help they might be able to provide. The biggest barrier there is that my mother is such a "private" person that she hates the thought of telling a stranger about her finances and is limited in what she will tell anyone at all in fact about them (including her own children). I do wonder what the possibilities would be of more "sheltered" accommodation, but it would need to be coverable from her pension, as I couldnt see her selling her house without a fight (from both her and my brother - for their different reasons) and I don't feel its wise for anyone to be reliant on State financial help if at all possible (far too easy then to find that the Government has made another "cut" and that's some of your income gone!).

Re the "reading letters they don't understand" - that brings up the thought that maybe I could ask her to forward any like that onto me for me to "translate" over the phone to her. It's just one step up from her asking me to look up whatever drug it is they have just prescribed for her and tell her in simple language about possible side-effects. I never have been able to persuade either parent to ask for an explanation as to why the medics ever want them to do/have anything they prescribe for them...they just "do what they are told" on the basis that "Doctor must know best".

Anyway, I've got a variety of thoughts to work on now as to a way forward. Thank you.

sharnad

Dunroamin wrote: »

Me neither. How anyone could describe the OP as a caring person is beyond me.

So would you describe the rots uncaring for not wanting to help or the mother as uncaring for not wanting to stay with her daughter

Dunroamin

sharnad wrote: »

So would you describe the rots uncaring for not wanting to help or the mother as uncaring for not wanting to stay with her daughter

Not sure who "the rots" are but I don't think that there's been any suggestion that the mother has been invited to live with the daughter. Apologies if I've missed it.

Don't get me wrong, I think that the brother sounds as if he has a lot to answer for in this situation and neither do I think that the OP should have to spend the rest of her life as an involuntary full time carer for her mother. However, I do think that to choose to move so far away at a time when the mother is about to be left totally on her own is unnecessarily unkind.

I'm sure that some kind of compromise could be reached with the brother taking on his share of the responsibility and the OP moving to somewhere where she'll still be able to come over and help her mother out without making a three day trek of it.

mountainofdebt

OP - on a total side issue are you buying or renting in your new area?

Personally (and experiences of friends have borne this out) I would rent if only to give you time to thoroughly research the area.....after all dreams and reality can be two different things

FatVonD

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

I do wonder what the possibilities would be of more "sheltered" accommodation, but it would need to be coverable from her pension, as I couldnt see her selling her house without a fight (from both her and my brother - for their different reasons) and I don't feel its wise for anyone to be reliant on State financial help if at all possible (far too easy then to find that the Government has made another "cut" and that's some of your income gone!).

IF the costs cannot be covered by her pension then the home will have to be sold. There will be no state financial help all the while the remaining partner has equity in property.

Of course if your brother has his eye on an inheritance that might be just the thing to nudge him into taking your mother in with him!

Do you have a particular town or village in mind or could it as well be another but nearer a train station?

sharnad

Dunroamin wrote: »

Not sure who "the rots" are but I don't think that there's been any suggestion that the mother has been invited to live with the daughter. Apologies if I've missed it.

Don't get me wrong, I think that the brother sounds as if he has a lot to answer for in this situation and neither do I think that the OP should have to spend the rest of her life as an involuntary full time carer for her mother. However, I do think that to choose to move so far away at a time when the mother is about to be left totally on her own is unnecessarily unkind.

I'm sure that some kind of compromise could be reached with the brother taking on his share of the responsibility and the OP moving to somewhere where she'll still be able to come over and help her mother out without making a three day trek of it.

It was supposed to say brother flipping iPod If the op wants to live away that's here choice she doesn't have to
Live the rest of her life in a place to help her
Mother, Best thing in the long run would probably be op man selling the house and going into a retirement home but hat will be diffucult if the brother objects to what he sees as his inheritance being used. Best for op mother to accept that op is going to be living away and that Shen has brother help or sorts some help out for herself

margaretclare

mumps wrote: »

Do you mean CRB checked?

Yes. Essential if you're going to be going into 'vulnerable people's homes'.

mumps

margaretclare wrote: »

Yes. Essential if you're going to be going into 'vulnerable people's homes'.

But rather more than a police check. Does he have a standard or enhanced? Enhanced I hope.

moneyistooshorttomention

FatVonD wrote: »

Do you have a particular town or village in mind or could it as well be another but nearer a train station?

Yes I do - have a particular one in mind that is.

I've worked out my list of pros and cons for current location, other possible locations there and that one.

There are one heck of a lot of negatives on "current location". It suits some people, but not me. The big plus points for choosing "current location" in the first place no longer apply. I chose it for the things/people that would be around of the type I wanted as a younger person and for the number of suitable jobs there would be. I'm not in that age group any longer and I don't need a job any longer.

What I DO need and I need it very strongly is for my home to have a garden and my area to have nice countryside. Countryside registered as a "plus" back then - but a lot of it has now been developed or is under threat of and there are a LOT more people walking in it than there ever used to be. Hence my combined stronger need for Countryside and the problems with our surrounding countryside mean I need to get that Mega Important Factor to me right. I've always wanted a garden and that need has become much stronger and its really depressing me not having one.

I could live somewhere in that area with better communication links - but that would mean some busy roads and/or an airport nearby. Hence I decided I'd rather be minus a rail station as the "price to pay" for not having busy roads or airport nearby. There is a limited choice of shopping - but enough - and anyway there is the Internet as "back-up" for that. I'm used to a pretty good range of shopping facilities - but have reached an age where I'm not often going to be shopping for anything other than "basic necessities" any more - so a smaller range of shops will be enough that I don't often have to go anywhere bigger for anything.

I have to sell my house anyway. I really can't face all the extra work and money that I would need to spend on it (over and above the lots of money/work its already cost me) and it still wouldnt be right for me even if it was gutted. The area has changed a lot - for the worse and will change, in the future, for the very much worse and I will lose some of the money I have tied-up in this house if I stay here. I can't afford to both possibly lose any inheritance I might hope for AND money I already have in this house and hence I must protect the savings I have tied-up in my house - hence the need for me to move to another house anyway somewhere cheaper. I have already said that if any possible inheritance goes it goes and thats just the way it is - but I can protect my OWN money (in my own "bricks and mortar") from vanishing.

Also - I am becoming more aware that it just isn't good for health to live in an area like mine for so many years (my brother wouldnt care about my health being at risk either - as he is jealous of me for having better health than he has anyway and quite openly resentful of me for it:eek:). I'm realistic enough to know that my brother would be pleased if I developed a range of ailments too and I really don't like recognising that fact about him - but it is the case, so no use blinding myself to it.

I'm guessing those who wish to "cast me in a bad light" might find "meat to eat" to exercise that wish - but I'll just have to hope they aren't hungry for the chance to criticise someone again...

Mojisola

money - it sounds as if, for the first time in your life, you're getting the chance to live as you've always wanted to live. No-one should be telling you not to!

I have looked after my parents and, one thing I can tell you, it's not a job you can do if you don't all love each other and like each other to start with. As you and your mother don't have an easy relationship, for both your sakes, you need to keep away. If she is going to have outside, paid help then your brother can organise all that for her.