Just confirmed my family have planned my life for me

conradmum

Nicki wrote: »

Lots of statements very nicely lifted out of context, conradmum...

Really? Please explain the wider context of

I also find her total lack of concern about what will happen to them to be quite chilling.

Nicki wrote: »

For example, you need to do x if you care about your parents because otherwise your life will be extremely difficult with lots of journeys up the motorway, etc. Not making plans only works if you genuinely don't care and won't be having to firefight becomes condensed in your version to 4 words = you genuinely don't care. Completely changing the whole meaning and sentiment of what was posted.

It wasn't only me that took the meaning of that the way it was actually intended - a huge guilt trip and an attempt to paint the OP as callous.

Nicki wrote: »

The post you crossposted with was actually the only one in the whole thread which gave any concrete ideas as to what OP could do, yet you whose posts have all just been along the lines of "Poor you, you've been abused all your life and your parents have brought this upon themselves" is the one apparently offering help and advice? Ok then.

Yet more lies - where did I say any of that? 'You've been abused all your life?' :rotfl:
Yes, you have changed your tune since I pointed out how unhelpful and rude your posts were. I've only come on here because I felt sorry for the OP being attacked by you.

Nicki wrote: »

By the way, I take issue with you repeatedly saying that very elderly people who have declined to learn to drive and use a computer have in any way "refused" to do anything. THAT in my opinion is rude, insulting and disrespectful. They have not been able to do these things, not felt confident to do these things, or been frightened of doing these things, which are all completely understandable at their age. Refusing implies a degree of petulance or unreasonableness, which there is just no reason to believe applies here, even if the OP has been asking her parents to do all of these things for the last 20 years, when they almost certainly were already retired and certainly internet use was a lot harder to learn then. Can I just make the point which you appear to be ignoring that these skills which the parents have in your words "refused" to acquire are very difficult ones, and ones which many much younger people are unable to master.

Still more things I didn't say! Please, Nicki, if you want to discuss something, stick to the facts. I did say the OP's mother appeared to be refusing to do anything to help herself. That was the impression I got from reading her posts. You should try it some time. And mine.

Nicki wrote: »

Perhaps when you are in advanced old age and finding life difficult, you will reflect upon how you are "refusing" to do things for yourself and decide not accept help from any third party, however frail or nervous you have become in life, and whether or not you are mentally as acute as you once were...

You have so much insight and compassion. Now try to extend some to the OP.

Mojisola

Nicki wrote: »

1. What does OP currently do for her parents? Can they manage to do these things by themselves in the future? If not, who is going to help them with these things (this could be a paid for service or something provided by social services).

2. How often will OP and her brother visit? If the parents have problems between visits who will they approach. How often will they telephone?

3. How will OP and her brother monitor between themselves that the parents are coping financially and mentally? How will they get extra help organised for them when this is needed.

3. Who will the parents call in an acute/semi acute emergency? Do they need for example a monitored panic button or alarm system in case they are burgled or one of them has a bad fall?

4. Are they entitled to, and do they need, services such as a cleaner/home help, meals on wheels, etc

Regardless of who said/meant what and so on - these points are very valid and worth noting by anyone with parents who are getting to the stage of needing help.

Nicki

Conradmum. You seem determined to have a fight in an empty room. Go ahead.

Every post I have made on this threa has made 3 points:

1 not up to OP to do it all
2 parents not unreasonable not to learn new skills
3 family plan and discussion needed.

No change in tune from me! Just more detail added in which was implicit in what I said from outset anyway. But nothing further to add now.

mumps

jazabelle wrote: »

She wasn't talking about older people now, who have suddenly lost their sight using a computer. The conversation was around learning skills to try and plan the best way anyone possibly can for old age - particularly herself. The point was she already has computer skills, and if she lost her sight - may be able to still manage with software such as JAWs that reads everything out to you.

I took this "they may be like the OP's mum who *could* have learned things but chose not to." to be a bit of a dig at the OPs parents

I repeat that the OPs parents are entitled to do things how they want. The OP hasn't actually said what her parents expect her to do, she did say they haven't got DDs for their bills but so what?

I thought this was about the OP and her problems, not a general discussion about how to prepare for the future, it is fairly pointless pointing out what they could have done if they had decided to do a computer course 20 years ago as they didn't. Maybe you and Margaretclare should start a thread about preparing for oldage or disability.

I agree that computers "can" make life easier but it isn't all one way. The older person who gets out and about gets benefits from that, your granddad might be as mobile as he is because he feels he has to go into town every week. Use it or lose it.

For people who are living along way from each other then computer contact is a good second best, but as someone who has my grandchildren running round my house several times a week it would be second best to see them on skype instead. If parents decide to let granny stay in touch online rather than do a 30 minute drive then I think that is a shame. Whilst a Christmas Fair, carol service and two Nativities in the week before Christmas might have been a bit exhausting I wouldn't have wanted to miss them even if my son had sent me a video of the said events.

moneyistooshorttomention

Just to say thank you to Conradmum. I very much appreciate the fact that you - and most others - on this thread are trying to be helpful/make useful suggestions.

The comments that have had the effect of "laying a guilt trip" on me have been upsetting. I really don't need any "help" in that respect.:(

However, thank you very much to those who have been/are being genuinely helpful in this respect. This is a problem situation that I am sure is affecting many people now and I am sure those of us in this position appreciate genuinely constructive comments about how to ensure the parents are "sorted out okay" on the one hand, whilst we ourselves are able to "get on with our Lives" on the other hand.

I now know anyway where that phrase comes from about "What are you going to do with your one and only precious Life?" I used to wonder what that was all about - but suspect I'm gaining some insight into just why people use that phrase now after the pressurising/guilt-tripping type comments that have been made on here.:(

But - in the main - people have read what I have actually written and are trying to be helpful/supportive. So - for that - thank you to those concerned:T:A

moneyistooshorttomention

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

Just to say thank you to Conradmum. I very much appreciate the fact that you - and most others - on this thread are trying to be helpful/make useful suggestions.

The comments that have had the effect of "laying a guilt trip" on me have been upsetting. I really don't need any "help" in that respect.:(

However, thank you very much to those who have been/are being genuinely helpful in this respect. This is a problem situation that I am sure is affecting many people now and I am sure those of us in this position appreciate genuinely constructive comments about how to ensure the parents are "sorted out okay" on the one hand, whilst we ourselves are able to "get on with our Lives" on the other hand.

I now know anyway where that phrase comes from about "What are you going to do with your one and only precious Life?" I used to wonder what that was all about - but suspect I'm gaining some insight into just why people use that phrase now after the pressurising/guilt-tripping type comments that have been made on here.:(

But - in the main - people have read what I have actually written and are trying to be helpful/supportive. So - for that - thank you to those concerned:T:A

PS; MargaretClare - I've now watched that Beatrix Potter film on tv you recommended and enjoyed it. She did make a "good go" of living the Life she wanted in the end didnt she and did a lot of good in the process (ie using that money she had made to protect those 4,000 acres of land from developers - which is something I would love to have the money to do myself in order to protect land for future generations).

mumps

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

Just to say thank you to Conradmum. I very much appreciate the fact that you - and most others - on this thread are trying to be helpful/make useful suggestions.

The comments that have had the effect of "laying a guilt trip" on me have been upsetting. I really don't need any "help" in that respect.:(

However, thank you very much to those who have been/are being genuinely helpful in this respect. This is a problem situation that I am sure is affecting many people now and I am sure those of us in this position appreciate genuinely constructive comments about how to ensure the parents are "sorted out okay" on the one hand, whilst we ourselves are able to "get on with our Lives" on the other hand.

I now know anyway where that phrase comes from about "What are you going to do with your one and only precious Life?" I used to wonder what that was all about - but suspect I'm gaining some insight into just why people use that phrase now after the pressurising/guilt-tripping type comments that have been made on here.:(

But - in the main - people have read what I have actually written and are trying to be helpful/supportive. So - for that - thank you to those concerned:T:A

I think it might help if you told us more about what help your parents need. Personally I think the suggestions about learning to drive, going on line etc are pretty impractical given the age of your parents, I think someone said they were in their 80s, is that right?

Do you collect their pension money for them? If so can it be paid into an account they can access with a debit card, if so is their a local cash point, in fact details of where they live would help, I don't mean the actual town but is it remote or short distance to good shops?

Do you take them to hospital appointments? Can you contact hospital to see if there is a volunteer driver service, if not a small local taxi firm would probably be a great help or even a retired neighbour who drives might do it for a bit of petrol money.

Are you going to be very far away? An hour away might mean you can visit once a month to check all is well, if it is a four hour drive you would soon tire of that.

I know it is difficult, my mother wasn't an independent woman whilst my MIL was fiercely so. My mother found her own ways, she was on first name terms with her postman who would take her post as well as delivering it. She was her milkman's no 1 customer, she bought milk, eggs, butter, bread and potatoes from him, I think she might have bought cheese and bacon as well and always said she could get by with that if she couldn't get out. Her neighbour was a keen gardener and when she couldn't do hers anymore he did it as it drove him mad if it wasn't tidy. I did an online shop for her every month, we didn't live close, and she managed far better on her own than anyone could ever have imagined.

I hope the above is some help and do come back if you can with more details and those of us who have been in your position will make more suggestions. I know you probably feel awful at the moment, when we had to move because of my husbands work I felt awful but I visited when I could, she came to stay when she could and things worked out.

Good luck and do ask you brother what he thinks the best way forward is, it might surprise you.

moneyistooshorttomention

mumps wrote: »

I think it might help if you told us more about what help your parents need. Personally I think the suggestions about learning to drive, going on line etc are pretty impractical given the age of your parents, I think someone said they were in their 80s, is that right?

Do you collect their pension money for them? If so can it be paid into an account they can access with a debit card, if so is their a local cash point, in fact details of where they live would help, I don't mean the actual town but is it remote or short distance to good shops?

Do you take them to hospital appointments? Can you contact hospital to see if there is a volunteer driver service, if not a small local taxi firm would probably be a great help or even a retired neighbour who drives might do it for a bit of petrol money.

Are you going to be very far away? An hour away might mean you can visit once a month to check all is well, if it is a four hour drive you would soon tire of that.

I know it is difficult, my mother wasn't an independent woman whilst my MIL was fiercely so. My mother found her own ways, she was on first name terms with her postman who would take her post as well as delivering it. She was her milkman's no 1 customer, she bought milk, eggs, butter, bread and potatoes from him, I think she might have bought cheese and bacon as well and always said she could get by with that if she couldn't get out. Her neighbour was a keen gardener and when she couldn't do hers anymore he did it as it drove him mad if it wasn't tidy. I did an online shop for her every month, we didn't live close, and she managed far better on her own than anyone could ever have imagined.

I hope the above is some help and do come back if you can with more details and those of us who have been in your position will make more suggestions. I know you probably feel awful at the moment, when we had to move because of my husbands work I felt awful but I visited when I could, she came to stay when she could and things worked out.

Good luck and do ask you brother what he thinks the best way forward is, it might surprise you.

They do have an awful lot of hospital appointments between them and either my father drives them to them or, if that is not possible, then the kind next door neighbours do so (and they get "paid" with presents for doing so by my parents). (I myself don't drive/have a car).

They are in their 80s.

Re the distance away from them I will be living - errrm...one heck of a way away basically. Any trip back to that location now for even just one day boils down to get there in Day 1, have a nights b & b and do whatever I have in mind on Day 2, have another nights b & b and travel back again on Day 3. Quite an undertaking in other words! Am seriously not looking forward to any possible trips "up and down the motorway". In fact I will be moving very much to the "back of beyond" - no motorway nearby, no train station nearby, no airport nearby. That is part of the attraction of this location in fact - because I hate motorways and airports and want to be away from them. Errrm...yep...shutting myself away from The World in a small community is very much the plan that will suit me personally. I would need to pay for 2 nights b & b each visit back or stay with a friend (my parents have room for me - but my mother and I are best off not under the same roof as each other for more than a few hours at a stretch:rotfl:- so I wouldnt stay in my old room and she wouldnt want me to). We both shudder visibly at the thought of us both staying under the same roof for long....:rotfl:.

Re workmen for tasks - we tend to different opinions about how much its fair to pay them. Errrrm....well lets say that I've just had a decorator I've used previously phone me up today as soon as he was back from Christmas in response to a message I left and it was a 2 minute conversation "£115...one day..one small room and I buy the paint. Done! See you in a week's time" and that way I ensure that the decent ones come back again when I want them no problem......and I have no qualms about paying for anything if I can just because I want it that way..and have been known to offer more money to people if I think they are undercharging me...:cool:

I think their pension money must be paid into their bank account. They do use a debit card for supermarket payments anyway. I dont know about in other respects. They are very "private" as to how they handle a lot of things:cool:

I very much doubt my brother would surprise me in any pleasant way. We have very little contact, as we are nothing like each other. I try to be polite to him. I am always the one that initiates whatever contact we do have. He only had the "back end of my tongue" for the first time in our last conversation and that probably surprised him. My brother has more than once tried to "shove me to one side" (though he doesnt know I am aware of this!) and ensure I did what suited him and enrolled my mother onto his side in this a couple of times. He honestly doesnt and wouldnt care what happened to me I'm afraid - hence I am polite to him and leave it at that (bar that last conversation). I cherished hopes he might change as he got older - but he hasn't and clearly won't. No point in beating head against brick wall. Basically - we disapprove of each other for polar opposite viewpoints and I don't trust him.

mumps

I'm not too clear on what it is you are doing for them? Or is it more that they might need help and your brother thought you would be there if that happened?

CH27

There is no way I could contemplate leaving my elderly dad to move so far away.