Just confirmed my family have planned my life for me

mumps

grey_lady wrote: »

I think that perhaps Mumps misunderstood what MargeretClare was saying. There are some retired people who try look after their health and try to take advantage of things like online banking to make life easier. There are others who still go to the bank once a week and live unhealthy lives. Hopefully the former will be independent and have better health for longer.

I've had 80+ relatives be very independent and others be very dependent, which takes it's toll on the primary carer.

Why would people who do online banking be healthier than people who go to the bank once a week? Some people who do online banking might live a health lifestyle, others might be to lazy to walk to the local post office. The 90 year old I see at the post office seems to be living a healthy lifestyle to me. People can be independent by going to the bank or by doing on line banking, which I do and my 65+ husband does, the point is one isn't right and the other wrong.

The OP's brother seems to be the problem with his expectations. She hasn't said much about her parents attitude to the situation but if they have mental capacity they are perfectly entitled to arrange their banking anyway they choose. We don't have to conform to what other people think we should do because we reach retirement. Just as the OP has a right to live her life as she chooses, and I absolutely support her in that, her parents have a right to arrange their lives as they wish.

As a final thought I don't see what is so shocking about someone wanting to live in a computer free zone. Just because I use a computer doesn't make me think everyone should anymore than I think everyone should give up alcohol and smoking because I don't drink or smoke.

I think it is incredibly arrogant to say I have done this that and the other and I can't understand why everyone else doesn't do it. I hope the OP has a great time in her new life and I hope her parents get on with their lives. I am sure they will manage.

mumps

margaretclare wrote: »

All I can say to you is - we only get one crack at life and it is up to you and to nobody else, how you choose to live it. I believe in living life to the full, and I don't live my life to suit other people. Best wishes to you and don't let them 'mess with your head' which they may well try to.

But that also goes for the OPs parents, they don't have any obligation to do online banking or become computer literate if they don't want to.

margaretclare wrote: »

No, I have missed nothing. I am well aware that things can change. Given that we're just coming to the 10th anniversary of my daughter's death, I spoke to her at 5 pm and by 9 pm she was dead, completely unexpectedly, I am the last person in the world not to be aware that everything can change either slowly or suddenly, you can have the rug pulled out from under you without any warning at all.

What DH and I have done is to try to organise our lives to our convenience and comfort and with the idea that we may not always be active and mobile but that there is no one in the world whom we could expect or hope to be for us as the OP is expected to be for her mum. It has taken a lot of thought, planning, some expense etc but that's the way we like it.

But you can't see any reason why you would be housebound other than not having a car. I think you maybe need to think a bit more.

[Deleted User]

mumps wrote: »

But you can't see any reason why you would be housebound other than not having a car. I think you maybe need to think a bit more.

MC is one of the most forward thinking `older` posters on this board. I do know that she and her dh have `future proofed` their home as much as can be done. They love their car and the freedom it gives them but MC is completely realistic and have never stopped saving, so they will contemplate other ways of getting around if they can no longer drive. Taxis come into mind

MC and her dh are actually living in that time in the future, which will come to us all one day and they cope remarkably well. Every time something changes then they adapt to go with the flow and remain independent and also an inspiration to many of us

margaretclare

kittie wrote: »

MC is one of the most forward thinking `older` posters on this board. I do know that she and her dh have `future proofed` their home as much as can be done. They love their car and the freedom it gives them but MC is completely realistic and have never stopped saving, so they will contemplate other ways of getting around if they can no longer drive. Taxis come into mind

MC and her dh are actually living in that time in the future, which will come to us all one day and they cope remarkably well. Every time something changes then they adapt to go with the flow and remain independent and also an inspiration to many of us

Thank you, kittie, you've hit the nail on the head.

I have never said that there is anything wrong with living life as you choose to, being computer-free if that is what floats your boat! However, I have found it immeasurably more useful to live the way we live than not to. DH and I would never have ever known of each other's existence but for computers, and he never touched a computer until after his 60th birthday. We'd have remained in total ignorance that each other was on the planet! And so on...

There have times when we haven't been able to get out of the house - snow, for instance. I do not set foot out of doors if there is any danger of slipping, because the risks of further bone and joint damage are just too great to contemplate. Joint replacements and fractured pelvis - I don't take the risk. So, as long as our electronic banking carries on, money in, regular payments out, we have enough to eat (thank you, Tesco online deliveries!) and we have enough to keep us occupied indoors, there is no real problem.

You're right, kittie, we do continue saving. In contrast to the stereotypes of poverty-stricken older people, we've found - to our great surprise - that where you have 2 people each with own pension provision both from the state and from past careers, who live comfortably but simply, it is impossible not to save! It has surprised us, because neither of us was able to save much during our busy working lives in responsible although not well-paid jobs. Whenever DH has asked me 'what are you saving for?' I've always responded 'just because we do not know what we may need in time to come'. And that should say it all. That 'rainy day' which may come at any time, has been in the past and may come again.

Although, I am about to spend some of it on myself, 3 weeks from now, kittie knows on what!

margaretclare

But that also goes for the OPs parents, they don't have any obligation to do online banking or become computer literate if they don't want to.

Well, yes, but the whole point of this discussion is that the OP's mum is not very independent, has refused any of the innovations which may help her and improve her quality of life, and is relying on her daughter to fill in those gaps.

Computers are just one example but they are important. It is now possible to get repeat prescriptions, to shop, to do banking, to contact friends and relatives around the world, to stay in touch, so many things. Yes, I've no doubt that people prefer to get the bus into town, go to the bank or the PO, stand and wait in line, go and pay their bills over the counter in cash and maybe they see this as staying fit and active or think it gives them more control over their actions. However, how do they do all this if, as you are so keen to emphasise, they can't get out of the house? They expect someone to do it for them, in this case, the OP.

mumps

margaretclare wrote: »

Well, yes, but the whole point of this discussion is that the OP's mum is not very independent, has refused any of the innovations which may help her and improve her quality of life, and is relying on her daughter to fill in those gaps.

Computers are just one example but they are important. It is now possible to get repeat prescriptions, to shop, to do banking, to contact friends and relatives around the world, to stay in touch, so many things. Yes, I've no doubt that people prefer to get the bus into town, go to the bank or the PO, stand and wait in line, go and pay their bills over the counter in cash and maybe they see this as staying fit and active or think it gives them more control over their actions. However, how do they do all this if, as you are so keen to emphasise, they can't get out of the house? They expect someone to do it for them, in this case, the OP.

Isn't it the OPs brother who has the problem with the move?

My MIL lived alone into her late 80s, she stayed at home until the day before she died when she decided to move into the hospice. She had been suffering from cancer for years, she had a hip replacement that had not gone well. She had a taxi every week to take her to her local shopping centre. The taxi driver got to know her well, he would come to her door, take her by the arm and put her trolley in the car. She went shopping, went to the bank or post office. She had lived in the area for 70 years and was well known, she would often end up stopping for a cup of tea in a local cafe with someone she knew. She chatted to the young ladies in the bank, the bank manager would often come out to say hello. Her taxi driver would pick her up at the end of her jaunt and take her home. If she had a hospital appointment he would take her to that as well. She often said she couldn't understand why people were shocked at her use of taxis as she reckoned it cost her less than running a car and she had the pleasure of the "nice young man" he was about 50, coming to collect her and escorting her to the car. She would never have shopped on line, she picked her fruit, veg and meat, no one else would have satisfied her. By this stage she could not have driven even if she had ever learned.

Her nextdoor neighbour was a young single mum, my MIL befriended her and her children, she never had to worry about getting an item from the local shops as the boy next door was more than happy to run up to the shop for her.

My MIL was a widow for 60 years, she was a local character and for her living her life on line would have been no life. I don't live like her, I will keep my car as long as I can, I bank on line and sometimes I shop online. I don't think I have to arrange things as she did but I have every respect for how she lived her life. That is all I am asking for, to allow people to live their lives as they want. I am sure the OPs mother has friends, the OP mentions her neighbours, she may have a church she belongs to but I am sure she will be able to run her life in a way that suits her just as I run mine and you run yours. We are all different and thank heavens for that.

You say "However, how do they do all this if, as you are so keen to emphasise, they can't get out of the house? They expect someone to do it for them, in this case, the OP" Well how will you do it if your eyesight fails and you can't do it all online? Oh someone else will need to do it for you. I like Dunroamins signature, Man plans, God laughts, I think that is it. We can plan all we like but sometimes it doesn't work out. Your eyesight might never let you down, my MIL managed to get out and do her shopping etc right to the end. If life works out as we plan do we pat ourselves on the back or thank God? I will be thanking God if I can be independent till the end, my horror is ending up in a home or sheltered flat but some people think that is great and good for them if it makes them happy.

Nicki

I think its quite sad that things have got to such a point that the love and affection in this family seems to have completely disappeared, leaving the OP as full of "anger and resentment" at the situation as she accuses her brother of being.

I entirely agree that it should not have been assumed that it would be OP's sole responsibility to look after her parents in their old age, but I also find her total lack of concern about what will happen to them to be quite chilling. I also have a considerable degree of sympathy for the poor next door neighbours who seem to have been lined up to fulfil this role now!

OP - is it really not possible to sit down as a family and discuss this whole situation in a calm and sensible way? Surely there are things you can do to help support your parents in their old age, which lie within your capabilities and willingness to do, and things which your brother can do? And between you, you can surely identify what the gaps are and work out how these will be filled.

Portraying your brother as a selfish uncaring individual who is only interested in the inheritance coming his way on your parents' death is I suspect very unfair. As would be him considering you to be selfish and irresponsible and having sprung this news on him at short notice to force his hand. But if you were a fly on his wall...

It is not your brother's fault that he is married with a life and family elsewhere. It is not your parents fault that you are unmarried, find it hard to make friends, and don't like the area you live in. If you DID move your parents to where you plan to move, it is completely ridiculous to say that any social difficulties you had in your new town would be down to your mother!

Like it or not, your parents brought you and your brother up and provided for you as children, and therefore there is a degree of responsibility on both of your parts to ensure they don't come to harm in their old age. This does not mean you have to become a full time unpaid carer. but nor is it a mature or kind response to completely ignore their needs as a way of point scoring against your brother. I am to be honest not in the least surprised that he was taken aback that you had not mentioned to him your plans to move, if only to work out between you how to make sure your parents are OK in their old age. There is a slight hint in your posts that you have been letting this resentment build for years without ever broaching the subject and rather enjoyed the tremendous splash breaking your news made in a tranquil pond.

mumps

Nicki wrote: »

I think its quite sad that things have got to such a point that the love and affection in this family seems to have completely disappeared, leaving the OP as full of "anger and resentment" at the situation as she accuses her brother of being.

I entirely agree that it should not have been assumed that it would be OP's sole responsibility to look after her parents in their old age, but I also find her total lack of concern about what will happen to them to be quite chilling. I also have a considerable degree of sympathy for the poor next door neighbours who seem to have been lined up to fulfil this role now!

OP - is it really not possible to sit down as a family and discuss this whole situation in a calm and sensible way? Surely there are things you can do to help support your parents in their old age, which lie within your capabilities and willingness to do, and things which your brother can do? And between you, you can surely identify what the gaps are and work out how these will be filled.

Portraying your brother as a selfish uncaring individual who is only interested in the inheritance coming his way on your parents' death is I suspect very unfair. As would be him considering you to be selfish and irresponsible and having sprung this news on him at short notice to force his hand. But if you were a fly on his wall...

It is not your brother's fault that he is married with a life and family elsewhere. It is not your parents fault that you are unmarried, find it hard to make friends, and don't like the area you live in. If you DID move your parents to where you plan to move, it is completely ridiculous to say that any social difficulties you had in your new town would be down to your mother!

Like it or not, your parents brought you and your brother up and provided for you as children, and therefore there is a degree of responsibility on both of your parts to ensure they don't come to harm in their old age. This does not mean you have to become a full time unpaid carer. but nor is it a mature or kind response to completely ignore their needs as a way of point scoring against your brother. I am to be honest not in the least surprised that he was taken aback that you had not mentioned to him your plans to move, if only to work out between you how to make sure your parents are OK in their old age. There is a slight hint in your posts that you have been letting this resentment build for years without ever broaching the subject and rather enjoyed the tremendous splash breaking your news made in a tranquil pond.

I think you have hit the nail on the head.

silvercar

What Nicki said, 20 times over.

Dunroamin

Nicki wrote: »

I think its quite sad that things have got to such a point that the love and affection in this family seems to have completely disappeared, leaving the OP as full of "anger and resentment" at the situation as she accuses her brother of being.

I entirely agree that it should not have been assumed that it would be OP's sole responsibility to look after her parents in their old age, but I also find her total lack of concern about what will happen to them to be quite chilling. I also have a considerable degree of sympathy for the poor next door neighbours who seem to have been lined up to fulfil this role now!

OP - is it really not possible to sit down as a family and discuss this whole situation in a calm and sensible way? Surely there are things you can do to help support your parents in their old age, which lie within your capabilities and willingness to do, and things which your brother can do? And between you, you can surely identify what the gaps are and work out how these will be filled.

Portraying your brother as a selfish uncaring individual who is only interested in the inheritance coming his way on your parents' death is I suspect very unfair. As would be him considering you to be selfish and irresponsible and having sprung this news on him at short notice to force his hand. But if you were a fly on his wall...

It is not your brother's fault that he is married with a life and family elsewhere. It is not your parents fault that you are unmarried, find it hard to make friends, and don't like the area you live in. If you DID move your parents to where you plan to move, it is completely ridiculous to say that any social difficulties you had in your new town would be down to your mother!

Like it or not, your parents brought you and your brother up and provided for you as children, and therefore there is a degree of responsibility on both of your parts to ensure they don't come to harm in their old age. This does not mean you have to become a full time unpaid carer. but nor is it a mature or kind response to completely ignore their needs as a way of point scoring against your brother. I am to be honest not in the least surprised that he was taken aback that you had not mentioned to him your plans to move, if only to work out between you how to make sure your parents are OK in their old age. There is a slight hint in your posts that you have been letting this resentment build for years without ever broaching the subject and rather enjoyed the tremendous splash breaking your news made in a tranquil pond.

You couldn't put it better than that.

Some of the attitudes expressed on this thread have been truly shocking.:(