Just confirmed my family have planned my life for me

Curlywurli

I'm interested in this thread. We're moving county in the summer. My mum and dad are just entering their seventies. We're desperate to move from where we are because it's awful and we want to bring our children up in a better area. My sister who is very well off has already moved away (only half an hour though) and keeps asking about what's going to happen to mum and dad. I love my mum and dad and they have done an awful lot for us but we have to think about our children and their future. We can't afford private school. My mum says that if the town was as bad as it is when we were young she wouldn't have stayed either.

Miss_Poohs

It's a very emotive subject isn't it?

I don't think anyone family or friends has the right to dictate how you should live your life. It's your life, live it as you choose.

Sadly I've lost both my mum and dad, mum in 2008, dad in 2010, and despite being a working mum I tried my best to be there for them both.

What I did take exception to was the complete lack of help and support from family. My sis lives abroad and has done for years, but I don't think she had any idea how much it all affected me and my family. Hearing about her cruises, family days out, and her largely unaffected life was I think selfish in the extreme.

Personally I wouldn't do things any differently - I'm happy with my choices, and I think that's the key, do whatever you're happy with.

LydiaJ

Families can change. I hope the OP's brother will step up to the plate and start being helpful.

I was brought up in a family where women looked after elderly parents, and men helped with their wives' elderly parents. So my mum and dad did all sorts for my mum's (widowed) mum when she got dementia - my mum visited her every week for years, and they dealt with all her finances and stuff once she was no longer mentally capable. My dad mostly left his sisters and their husbands to look after his mum (also widowed), and my mum's brother helped his wife look after her parents. Not that any of them put their own lives on hold to do any of this: they still had jobs and kids and so on. So I assumed the same sort of thing would happen when my brothers and I grew up and my parents got old.

But in fact, it's been quite different. It's been tough for a few years - my mum got dementia and Parkinson's, and my dad (although an amazing carer for my mum) has needed knee replacements. All four of us kids have helped, regardless of gender. We do different bits, according to our circumstances. One of us visits every few weeks, but only for half a day at a time. One of us visits a lot less often, but can go for an extended time when there's a particular need. One of can only manage flying visits but deals with DIY and computer needs while there. One of us has a financial/legal background and helps with all that stuff from a distance.

The OP's parents may carry on being perfectly able to manage until one day they die suddenly of a heart attack or something. Or not. Dementia is the biggest reason for old people to need somebody to sort their lives out for them. Even if you get paid-for help, somebody has to choose it and arrange it, and the person with dementia can't do that for themselves. It can be done from a distance, but it still has to be done. If the OP has moved some distance away, she'll have to fight it out with her brother about who's going to do what, since they'll both be non-local.

Best wishes for your move, anyway, and hope your retirement is a great time of freedom and new opportunities.

Mojisola

LydiaJ wrote: »

It's been tough for a few years - my mum got dementia and Parkinson's, and my dad (although an amazing carer for my mum) has needed knee replacements. All four of us kids have helped, regardless of gender. We do different bits, according to our circumstances. One of us visits every few weeks, but only for half a day at a time. One of us visits a lot less often, but can go for an extended time when there's a particular need. One of can only manage flying visits but deals with DIY and computer needs while there. One of us has a financial/legal background and helps with all that stuff from a distance.

It can work really well if all the siblings pull together. In most families, it falls on one person to take on the work. That might be because of proximity or because the others refuse to help. Either way, it can have a huge impact on the carer's life - and their own family.

margaretclare

peachyprice wrote: »

It doesn't matter how independent parents may have been in the past, there comes a time when that independence is lost. People don't go on being able to drive forever, they can't operate computer forever, they can't get out of the house by themselves forever, they can't always manage their own bank accounts forever.

OP's parent have been short sighted in their middle years not gaining independence but OP is being equally naive if she thinks independent parents remain so until the day they die.

That's an extremely gloomy scenario. I get a Christmas card every year from a man who's still driving, and he'll not see 90 again. We have friends who took to computers like ducks to water, in their 80s, and found it an absolute godsend, as we do. We have some physical limitations but as long as we still have our marbles we can carry on. What would stop us being able to get out of the house? Not having the car, I guess. Our bank accounts mostly run themselves, having been set up to run electronically they don't need much attention. It would be a different matter if we had to get the bus into town, go and get money out and pay bills in cash. There are still quite a number of people who do, but there is no need to - they may be like the OP's mum who *could* have learned things but chose not to. DH has recently taken the RoSPA driving test (similar to the Institute of Advanced Motoring) and passed with a good grade. He can't drive a car with manual gearbox though because of stiff left leg (4 knee replacements on the same knee in 6 years). I've just been round to the local gym because I've been told to 'improve my cardio-respiratory fitness' before surgery in 3 weeks' time. We do our best to stay fit and as active as we can be. 'Use it or lose it' has always been our motto.

mumps

margaretclare wrote: »

That's an extremely gloomy scenario. I get a Christmas card every year from a man who's still driving, and he'll not see 90 again. We have friends who took to computers like ducks to water, in their 80s, and found it an absolute godsend, as we do. We have some physical limitations but as long as we still have our marbles we can carry on. What would stop us being able to get out of the house? Not having the car, I guess. Our bank accounts mostly run themselves, having been set up to run electronically they don't need much attention. It would be a different matter if we had to get the bus into town, go and get money out and pay bills in cash. There are still quite a number of people who do, but there is no need to - they may be like the OP's mum who *could* have learned things but chose not to. DH has recently taken the RoSPA driving test (similar to the Institute of Advanced Motoring) and passed with a good grade. He can't drive a car with manual gearbox though because of stiff left leg (4 knee replacements on the same knee in 6 years). I've just been round to the local gym because I've been told to 'improve my cardio-respiratory fitness' before surgery in 3 weeks' time. We do our best to stay fit and as active as we can be. 'Use it or lose it' has always been our motto.

Hopefully everything will continue to go well for you but it doesn't for everyone. My 86 year old uncle died recently, until he was 84 he could have written a post like yours and then things started to change. He developed dementia, it was very slow at first, he had some small strokes (TIAs?) he started to fall over, he couldn't drive. He needed surgery for cataracts but they felt he wouldn't cope well with the surgery due to his confusion so not only was he unable mentally to deal with things like bills and bank accounts but he couldn't see well enough to even read them. When he died he had been house bound for more than six months.

So what would "What would stop us being able to get out of the house? Not having the car, I guess." Well alot of things could stop you being able to get out of the house, not having a car would just be one of them.

Are you still driving? You mention your husband's driving but not yours.

KxMx

I know the OP has come in for some criticism for moving away now and not thinking about the future, but I read her posts as the brother expecting her to stay put for good in case the parents need care/ for the future.

There is nothing wrong with moving away now, and if they need care, making arrangements, new plans etc in the future.

moneyistooshorttomention

I grinned wryly at Curlywurli's comments about her sister (living half an hour away and well off) keeps asking what is going to happen about her parents as if it's nothing to do with her (sister that is).:cool:

It's certainly becoming clearer all round just how many assumptions different people have about everything (usually it seems about how things will always fall on OTHER peoples shoulders).

I can see that I have been making assumptions myself. In my case I assumed that maybe, at some point, my brother and I might communicate more than very occasionally and very briefly and have discussions about what WE thought about the parents' situation. I was wrong there then wasn't I?:o All this time he had been busily assuming, it would appear, that I would deal with everything all on my little ownio:(. I could feel great waves of anger and resentment coming from him when I said I will be moving away - almost like "How dare she?".

I have learnt a few things already in the course of this. One being just how selfish my brother apparently is (though he has always been Favourite Child as far as my mother is concerned). The other being just how kind and perceptive my parents' next door neighbours are. I've had more conversations with my parents' neighbours about this than I have with my own brother. My parents are extraordinarily lucky to have the neighbours they have. I, on the other hand, never realised JUST how perceptive they seem to be. I have discussed this situation with them and my various mixed feelings on this and been told to "Get on with your own life" by them. There ain't many neighbours as good as that...:T...but I don't want to feel that any of us are imposing on their goodwill obviously.

KxMx
You are perfectly correct in your interpretation of my posts. That is exactly what my brother does seem to expect - ie that I stay put "on call" permanently and with my Life on hold until we no longer have any parents between us. My reply to that was veering on unprintable....

Jinx

It sounds more like your brother is the problem than your parents......

When my mum and I discussed wills and the like when a new partner came on the scene she mentioned that she expected my brother and I to agree 'on what is best for her' if/when she is unable to. Now much as I love my brother we rarely agree on anything while my mum and I are very similar. With this in mind I asked her to put it in writing that I should decide where she ends up if it comes up as I live locally and see her often where he lives/works hours away from us.

Hopefully it wont ever be an issue - but its all to come isnt it - my daughter says her gran can stay with her that ive not to put her in a home... sounds perfect to me lol (daughter 20, my mum 60 and my grandparents in their 80s only leaving their house in a box apparently! lol)

Mojisola

KxMx wrote: »

I know the OP has come in for some criticism for moving away now and not thinking about the future, but I read her posts as the brother expecting her to stay put for good in case the parents need care/ for the future.

There is nothing wrong with moving away now, and if they need care, making arrangements, new plans etc in the future.

Nothing wrong with her brother deciding to move closer so that he would be on hand when help is needed!