Just confirmed my family have planned my life for me

silvercar

You've just hit the nail straight on the head I suspect about just why it suited my brother to think I was going to deal with everything. Suited him because that would be everything "dealt with" and mother shouldnt need any paid "help" of any description and he could just sit back and hope for an "inheritance" to roll in later on. Whereas I've been saying for a while "If you need to pay for a bit of help...then you need to pay for a bit of help...".

Sometimes it isn't all about the money, it is about the time and effort made.

The whole concept of "being cared for in old age" is something I don't give any thought to for myself personally - and just think "Well I will just HAVE to stay healthy and independent then" and, if need be, pay for anything/everything I needed otherwise. Hence it feels very odd to me to think that someone else could have been assuming that I would provide unpaid care if....because that's not how it would be for me (though I wouldn't think it fair to expect unpaid care from anyone else anyway).

But that is what families do, they help each other out when they need it. In the same way that grandparents help out when babies arrive, we look to help our parents when they need it. It is getting the balance right that is important, being helpful and supportive and practical but at the same time living your own life.

pollypenny

This is a very difficult issue: one that we are all likely to face, from both sides in the future.

I have already posted about my parents. However, I also have an 87 year old aunt living 300 miles away. She is widowed, with no children.

Although she has three other nieces, it's me that is put on the guilt trip.
I've tried to get her involved in WI and accept help, to no avail. Feel damn awful that she was alone for Christmas. If she could get on train I'd have het here, but it's a 6 hour drive each way for us.

Mojisola

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

The whole concept of "being cared for in old age" is something I don't give any thought to for myself personally - and just think "Well I will just HAVE to stay healthy and independent then" and, if need be, pay for anything/everything I needed otherwise. Hence it feels very odd to me to think that someone else could have been assuming that I would provide unpaid care if....because that's not how it would be for me (though I wouldn't think it fair to expect unpaid care from anyone else anyway).

I think this is still quite common in many families.

I hope we will be more realistic as we get a bit older and adapt our living situation rather than struggle on and expect help from family members.

I've seen some interesting articles about oldies communes where a small group of elders buy a large property and then share the costs of having a carer (or cook, gardener, driver, whatever's needed).

moneyistooshorttomention

Mojisola wrote: »

I've seen some interesting articles about oldies communes where a small group of elders buy a large property and then share the costs of having a carer (or cook, gardener, driver, whatever's needed).

So've I - seen those articles that is.

Amongst the more "conventional" oldie set-ups - there is one idea that has some appeal - ie the Retirement Villages commercial set-up one. However, they are too expensive for my parents to be able to afford (which is a shame - I have investigated this, as I know my parents would like them) or for me to be able to afford later.

I was reading only yesterday in the "Positive News" newspaper about "Abundant Life" (which is a "community" as such and not some commercial set-up and works on the basis of regarding old people as "wise Elders" integrated in the community and still very much having a "Life" as such) and the people in the photo "look like me". That would be too "alternative" for my very conventional parents on the one hand. It might be suitable, of itself, for less conventional me - but it's likely to be too expensive. There is some Elder "community" that has been going for some time in Birmingham - but, same thing again, too expensive for me and I would hate somewhere so "urban".

So there ARE satisfactory places for both more conventional "old people" on the one hand and lively others on the other hand to live - but the cost of them is prohibitive to many people.

EDIT: Just googled latest webpage for Retirement Villages and looked at their currently "featured" one in Bath and one lottery win later I'd be in there handing over a cheque for one of them for my parents, as it would do them very nicely. Errrmm....and the thought has just struck me that the difference between the house my brother just sold on the one hand and what he paid for his current one/has spent on it already since might be sufficient if added to the money in my parents' current house to cover buying one of those RV ones....but I would be very surprised if that thought had even occurred to him (though his last house was already rather better than mine and his current one has me "going green at the gills" LOL).

[Deleted User]

I know several people who have emigrated and left elderly parents behind. `out of sight, out of mind` ok yes everyone needs to live the one life they have but many get `dumped on` by their siblings

OP is very brave and must get away while she can, time for brother to do his 50%

I have heard of live in care via an au pair, ie lodging for a visitor in return for basic care. Not a bad idea if people have the space, I know such an au pair and he is a very good support to the elderly gentleman he stays with

I am internet wise also money wise etc but the thought of care in future old age is daunting and quite scary. I don`t want to burden any of our children and we can only plan ahead to a certain extent. It looks as though unspoken plans were made for the OP and if I were her then I would move fast. It is up to her parents, unless mentally unable, to `grow up` and become more independent, so get the crutch away and they will have to do so

missprice

silvercar wrote: »

But that is what families do, they help each other out when they need it. In the same way that grandparents help out when babies arrive, we look to help our parents when they need it. It is getting the balance right that is important, being helpful and supportive and practical but at the same time living your own life.

Families are not always around to be helpful to each other. I had neither parents or grandparents to help me with my children ( I was 21) . so living your life assuming a relative will help when the time comes is very short-sighted, everyone should make the effort to be independent and not have to rely on others goodwill as they just may well not be there for various reasons.

fluffnutter

Perhaps mum will go first

Robin_TBW

You use "quotations" a lot.

Mojisola

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

I was reading only yesterday in the "Positive News" newspaper about "Abundant Life" (which is a "community" as such and not some commercial set-up and works on the basis of regarding old people as "wise Elders" integrated in the community and still very much having a "Life" as such) and the people in the photo "look like me".

So there ARE satisfactory places for both more conventional "old people" on the one hand and lively others on the other hand to live - but the cost of them is prohibitive to many people.

Interesting developments. Like you, the commercial communities are way outside our financial means which is why we're talking with friends and watching out for new developments.

I have spent years looking after my parents and, while I was glad to be able to do it, I don't want any of my children to have do the same for me if I can make other arrangements.

My experience with my parents and the people that they know is that they didn't really want to think about when they would need help and didn't plan ahead. I hope we will be more realistic and, when the time comes, be willing to make the changes.

silvercar

There can be a gap between what the state will provide in supporting the elderly and how we would like our parents to be looked after. If the parents haven't got the finances available to plug the gap, then either the parents are going to be inadequately looked after or the children will fill the gap - either with time or with money.

It may be that distance/ finance/ life gets in the way. That means the parents have a problem. All very well to say it is their problem, but we have some wish as children to support our parents and not see them suffer.