Just confirmed my family have planned my life for me

londonsurrey

Even back when "the" nominated unmarried daughter was the only carer, it was understood that she'd be provided for, i.e. the house and a pension was hers.

Anyone who in this day and age wants to play that game, but still expects half of mummy's house on her demise, and not to contribute towards unmarried carer's daughter's upkeep while they swan off to live a free life, building up their own family and pension pot is simply taking the mick.

If unmarried daughter is the only one capable of taking care of mummy's needs, then the whole lot ought to be signed over to her, NOW, and she can make all the decisions as to where mummy is going to live, whether to outsource the care, etc.

What is ridiculous is that unmarried daughter is an unpaid skivvy to be criticised, given contradictory complaints by a querulous mother, powerless to fix things, but held responsible for everyone feeling good, and left as "poor Auntie Maud who never left home or married" when mummy finally dies.


.

moneyistooshorttomention

Margaret you've hit the nail right on the head. I've long suspected that my parents are operating on a "Victorian script", whereas I'm acting in accordance with a very standard "script" for my own generation (ie living my own life/establishing who I am/what I want etc).

I feel that I cannot help it if they have all been assuming I would act according to their "script" and ignoring the fact that I am a person and will therefore have my own views on things.

I have told my parents I will be moving and given them some months "warning" of this and they have long heard (and ignored) comments from me about how much I am looking forward to retirement. I realised the full "state of play" today when I commented to my brother that I am busily painting and readying my house for sale and he knew nothing about it, as they hadn't told him and it looks like they were just hoping I would drop the idea. I have continued living according to a "script" that says "parents want the best for their children - including after they grow up - or at least they should do" and this is the "best" for me, so I've been hoping they would come round to supporting me.

I wouldn't want to try and move my mother with me. My new house won't be big enough for this and, more to the point, she would be trying to tell me how to "run my own home" and finding ways to "discourage" whatever new friends I make if she doesn't approve of them (that will be most people then:rotfl:) and I don't want my chances scuppered at the outset of integrating in/making new friends in a new community and trying to become part of it.

I grinned wryly at that comment about "A daughter is a daughter all of her life", as that exact comment has been made to me by them:cool:

There was me thinking they were "leaning more" towards me because I am more capable etc than my brother and not because I am a "daughter". Well, we can all be a bit naive at times - even well into middle age.

silvercar

Sounds like you have it sorted.

What happens when a parent needs help? Who goes running?

NeverEnough

silvercar wrote: »

Sounds like you have it sorted.

What happens when a parent needs help? Who goes running?

The hired help they need to pay for? After making a concious decision not to help themselves become more independent? Or, if their finances / health dictate - the Local Authority Social Services will do a needs assessment and arrange care accordingly.

Mojisola

silvercar wrote: »

What happens when a parent needs help? Who goes running?

It sounds as if you've found somewhere you're going to enjoy living but silvercar's point is worth considering if you don't want to spend time in the future commuting back and forth to your parents' house from your new home.

When one falls and breaks a hip or starts down the dementia road or they start to leave empty pans on a lit stove or mix up their tablets or can't get to the shops or medical appointments alone, who is going to help? It would be worth getting your brother used to being on a rota for visiting and helping.

Have a session with their local AgeUK office and see if they can give you information on what help is available.

Most of us have a steep learning curve when parents start to need help. It would be worth learning how the system works ahead of time so that you will be prepared.

moneyistooshorttomention

NeverEnough

You've just hit the nail straight on the head I suspect about just why it suited my brother to think I was going to deal with everything. Suited him because that would be everything "dealt with" and mother shouldnt need any paid "help" of any description and he could just sit back and hope for an "inheritance" to roll in later on. Whereas I've been saying for a while "If you need to pay for a bit of help...then you need to pay for a bit of help...".

Whereas my attitude is "If there is anything to be inherited there is (and obviously that would be nice) - but if there isn't (ie because mother had to spend it on this) then there isn't and I can't go giving up my own life for the sake of something that is just a possibility".

So - I'm taking the view that "If it happens (ie being left anything) then it happens and that's nice - but if it doesn't it doesn't and there's nothing I can do about it". Whereas my brother, I think, feels he can sit back hopefully and I will do all the "necessary" all on my shoulders to ensure that he is unaffected in any way:cool:. Hence his reaction - he is scared that there will be no money "left in the pot" and he hadn't anticipated that...he thought I would do anything/everything for nothing at the cost of my own life going to pieces.

moneyistooshorttomention

Mojisola

That's a good point about getting in touch with Age Concern. I will look into that.

The whole concept of "being cared for in old age" is something I don't give any thought to for myself personally - and just think "Well I will just HAVE to stay healthy and independent then" and, if need be, pay for anything/everything I needed otherwise. Hence it feels very odd to me to think that someone else could have been assuming that I would provide unpaid care if....because that's not how it would be for me (though I wouldn't think it fair to expect unpaid care from anyone else anyway).

londonsurrey

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

Mojisola

That's a good point about getting in touch with Age Concern. I will look into that.

The whole concept of "being cared for in old age" is something I don't give any thought to for myself personally - and just think "Well I will just HAVE to stay healthy and independent then" and, if need be, pay for anything/everything I needed otherwise. Hence it feels very odd to me to think that someone else could have been assuming that I would provide unpaid care if....because that's not how it would be for me (though I wouldn't think it fair to expect unpaid care from anyone else anyway).

The long and short of it is that they tried it on, and you said no.
And you will continue saying no.

peachyprice

NeverEnough wrote: »

The hired help they need to pay for? After making a concious decision not to help themselves become more independent? Or, if their finances / health dictate - the Local Authority Social Services will do a needs assessment and arrange care accordingly.

It doesn't matter how independent parents may have been in the past, there comes a time when that independence is lost. People don't go on being able to drive forever, they can't operate computer forever, they can't get out of the house by themselves forever, they can't always manage their own bank accounts forever.

OP's parent have been short sighted in their middle years not gaining independence but OP is being equally naive if she thinks independent parents remain so until the day they die.

Fen1

It is YOUR life. Live it. Be strong, and present all as a fait accompli, so that there is no wriggle room.

As above posters have suggested, get in touch with Age Concern and local day care centers etc. Also investigate home care / nursing scenarios, so that if there are any broken hips, there is plan already formulated. If your parents don't believe that they can cope, there's always the sheltered housing/ care home option. ( Or will that mean your brother will miss out on an inheritance???)

If nothing else, your not getting any younger. How can anyone expect you to start lifting and shifting when you yourself will be a pensioner?