Just confirmed my family have planned my life for me

cbrown372

Brighton_belle wrote: »

I think Margaretclare knows that - what she is saying is that she and her husband have made, and continue to make, the effort to change the things they can, where as OP's parents have refused to plan at all for old age, by updating their skills or outlook to help themselves as much as possible for as long as possible.

It would appear there is a distinct lack of communication between all four parties of this family. Presumably the parents are in their eighties now judging by the age of the OP and yet the blame is being laid at the Mother's door rather than the Father for not planning for the future? Where is the Father in all this or is he the one who is ill?

Surely the OP would be better sitting down with them and discussing their fears rather than discussing them with their own neighbours? I would be seriously angry if my son was discussing my future and finances with my neighbours. Surely better to check out local care homes with them, should the need arrive, than researching what the OP thinks would be suitable for them?

Person_one

consultant31 wrote: »

I guess it depends what sort of parents they were to you as a child, but I don't regard my caring for my Mum (and Dad when he was alive) as "unpaid care", I regard it as "love"!

Every situation is different. Sometimes it can be so demanding and draining that it doesn't matter how much you love your parents, you just can't cope. Not to mention that as people live longer and longer the adult children of dementia patients can be in their sixties or seventies and possibly not in the best of health themselves.

I think it's lovely when children want to care for their parents, but it's always a choice and not an obligation. People shouldn't see having children as some sort of alternative to a Bupa plan.

grey_lady

I think that perhaps Mumps misunderstood what MargeretClare was saying. There are some retired people who try look after their health and try to take advantage of things like online banking to make life easier. There are others who still go to the bank once a week and live unhealthy lives. Hopefully the former will be independent and have better health for longer.

I've had 80+ relatives be very independent and others be very dependent, which takes it's toll on the primary carer.

marisco_2

margaretclare wrote: »

Did you by chance see the film 'Miss Potter' yesterday evening? (Beatrix Potter, the author of children's books like Peter Rabbit).

Now there was a lady whose life was planned out for her by her parents, mainly her mother, but she managed to escape by means of her talents. Everything she did was disapproved of!

I watched that. Quite horrifying how the mother never realised the amazing raw talent of her daughter and wanted her to settle for so little. She achieved amazing things didn't she.

hcb42

My eldest sister took moving away to Cornwall to be her excuse to avoid every family event that ever happened, and including dealing with the wind up of estate etc when my father eventually passed 25years later.

Even though I also lived at best 100 miles away, and for the majority of the time 250 miles away, it never once occurred to her to help.

this situation, unfortunately continues.

PoorCharleyBear

When I was in my mid 20s (just out of uni) my divorced mother was very ill.
My brother called me and announced as I was unmarried with no kids (other siblings married before 20) I was the one to look after my mother from now on.
Well no chance of ever meeting anyone/having kids at that rate.

Anyway crisis passed and my mother recovered. I moved to another country and my brother still felt I should be available at the drop of a hat to care for my mother! She died earlier this year- had I agreed to act as her carer, I would have ended up in my mid 40s as a single woman, no family and with no career- doing what until I retired?

OP- follow your heart and don't let your dictatorial brother tell you what to do.

moneyistooshorttomention

margaretclare wrote: »

Did you by chance see the film 'Miss Potter' yesterday evening? (Beatrix Potter, the author of children's books like Peter Rabbit).

Now there was a lady whose life was planned out for her by her parents, mainly her mother, but she managed to escape by means of her talents. Everything she did was disapproved of!

No I didn't, but I will look it up as to whether it's on Iplayer or repeated on some other channel now that you mention it.

I knew the book you mentioned earlier in the thread - ie the Vera Brittain one and vaguely recall what you say about the daughter in that having been called back to be a carer. I was lent that book many years ago by a housebound old woman that I used to visit when I could. I thought Vera was quite an incredible woman as I recall. Though the housebound old woman was someone I liked and admired herself and who had a daughter herself (who she often used to comment about, but who I only met when she invited me eventually to her mothers' funeral). I also got lent another book or two by her. Must look them up and have a re-read.

EDIT: I've just checked and it is there on Iplayer, so will watch that with interest later. Thank you.

moneyistooshorttomention

LannieDuck wrote: »

I think moving away is a good thing to do at this point, while your parents are still capable. When you and your brother are on an equal-footing in terms of distance and 'ease' of helping your parents, you can have a proper conversation about how the two of you will deal with them.

You might find that as they become less capable, you choose to move back closer to them (or, of course, you may not). But that would be your choice, and you wouldn't feel that you've ended up there by default.

I understand your reasoning, but I cannot stay here. I will be moving to a cheaper area of the country and where the "housing market" is MUCH slower than it is here. I know that "once I'm there I'm there" and I will have burnt my bridges. Whilst it's perfectly possible to move from here to there I'd never be able to "bridge the gap" to move back again if I wanted to. That area of the country will suit me a lot better than this one actually and I am looking forward to having a garden at last. My own area has lost its sense of community that it once had and I need to move somewhere smaller/etc that still has a community feel (which is something I feel is all the more important for me because I am a woman on my own).

margaretclare

mumps wrote: »

It would have been lovely if my uncle could have had his sight improved but it wasn't possible. You seem to have missed the point that you are fine now but things can change, even people who have made all possible steps to ensure they can manage can find themselves in an unexpected situation.

No, I have missed nothing. I am well aware that things can change. Given that we're just coming to the 10th anniversary of my daughter's death, I spoke to her at 5 pm and by 9 pm she was dead, completely unexpectedly, I am the last person in the world not to be aware that everything can change either slowly or suddenly, you can have the rug pulled out from under you without any warning at all.

What DH and I have done is to try to organise our lives to our convenience and comfort and with the idea that we may not always be active and mobile but that there is no one in the world whom we could expect or hope to be for us as the OP is expected to be for her mum. It has taken a lot of thought, planning, some expense etc but that's the way we like it.

margaretclare

Brighton_belle wrote: »

I think Margaretclare knows that - what she is saying is that she and her husband have made, and continue to make, the effort to change the things they can, where as OP's parents have refused to plan at all for old age, by updating their skills or outlook to help themselves as much as possible for as long as possible.

Thank you, Brightonbelle, you've understood what I tried to say. Yes, that was exactly what I was saying.