Just confirmed my family have planned my life for me

marisco_2

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

I have tried over the years to try and persuade her to learn to be more "independent" (learn to drive/get on the Internet/move to "easier" accommodation/change the bills to direct debit/etc) and got nowhere. It feels like she has "buried her head in the sand" and decided that if she doesnt arrange to be "independent" then she won't ever have to be:cool:.

On her head be it then. You have done all you can to try and ensure, that as and when you move away and follow your life choices, your parents would be okay. The idea of having children who give up their own lives to care for you in your later years is very archaic.

Your brother has a nerve expecting you to give up the future you have planned when he lives miles away with his own life and family.

Give them all a wake up call and spell out that you have your own life to live and will be continuing with your plans for your future. The option of sticking their heads in the sand will disappear quick sharp.

margaretclare

Are you still driving? You mention your husband's driving but not yours.

Yes, I'm still driving. I make a point of driving because I don't want to lose my confidence. I don't drive perhaps as much as I'd like to because DH finds it extremely difficult, nearly-impossible, to get into the passenger seat of any car because his L leg will not bend far enough to get round the A-frame, so when we go out together he's the driver. I drive on my own. Drove round to the gym this morning. About cataracts, we both had ours done about 5 years ago now, our sight is better than it was at any time since we both needed glasses when we were 11 or 12. That's because a side-effect of dealing with cataracts is also correcting short sight.

BTW I completely agree with marisco above.

margaretclare

Did you by chance see the film 'Miss Potter' yesterday evening? (Beatrix Potter, the author of children's books like Peter Rabbit).

Now there was a lady whose life was planned out for her by her parents, mainly her mother, but she managed to escape by means of her talents. Everything she did was disapproved of!

mumps

margaretclare wrote: »

About cataracts, we both had ours done about 5 years ago now, our sight is better than it was at any time since we both needed glasses when we were 11 or 12. That's because a side-effect of dealing with cataracts is also correcting short sight.

It would have been lovely if my uncle could have had his sight improved but it wasn't possible. You seem to have missed the point that you are fine now but things can change, even people who have made all possible steps to ensure they can manage can find themselves in an unexpected situation.

LannieDuck

I think moving away is a good thing to do at this point, while your parents are still capable. When you and your brother are on an equal-footing in terms of distance and 'ease' of helping your parents, you can have a proper conversation about how the two of you will deal with them.

You might find that as they become less capable, you choose to move back closer to them (or, of course, you may not). But that would be your choice, and you wouldn't feel that you've ended up there by default.

Person_one

mumps wrote: »

So what would "What would stop us being able to get out of the house? Not having the car, I guess." Well alot of things could stop you being able to get out of the house, not having a car would just be one of them.

Absolutely this, you don't even need to be elderly for this to apply. People of all ages can find their life changes in an instant.

Brighton_belle

mumps wrote: »

You seem to have missed the point that you are fine now but things can change, even people who have made all possible steps to ensure they can manage can find themselves in an unexpected situation.

I think Margaretclare knows that - what she is saying is that she and her husband have made, and continue to make, the effort to change the things they can, where as OP's parents have refused to plan at all for old age, by updating their skills or outlook to help themselves as much as possible for as long as possible.

mumps

Brighton_belle wrote: »

I think Margaretclare knows that - what she is saying is that she and her husband have made, and continue to make, the effort to change the things they can, where as OP's parents have refused to plan at all for old age, by updating their skills or outlook to help themselves as much as possible for as long as possible.

Does she? Nothing she said gave me that impression. She actually said she what would stop her getting out of the house and the only reason she could see was losing the car. My uncles car is still sitting in his garage but he was still housebound for six months. Lots of reasons people find themselves unable to go out or manage on their own and blaming them doesn't help. It does come across that these people are being blamed. Margaretclare knows people who can drive at 90, I know a guy of 90 who still enjoys his walk down to the post office to collect his pension, pay his bills, collect his papers and have a chat with people. Who is to say his way is wrong?

consultant31

Robin_TBW wrote: »

You use "quotations" a lot.

Gosh what a useful post (not) :mad:

consultant31

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

Mojisola

The whole concept of "being cared for in old age" is something I don't give any thought to for myself personally - and just think "Well I will just HAVE to stay healthy and independent then" and, if need be, pay for anything/everything I needed otherwise. Hence it feels very odd to me to think that someone else could have been assuming that I would provide unpaid care if....because that's not how it would be for me (though I wouldn't think it fair to expect unpaid care from anyone else anyway).

I guess it depends what sort of parents they were to you as a child, but I don't regard my caring for my Mum (and Dad when he was alive) as "unpaid care", I regard it as "love"!