Just confirmed my family have planned my life for me

moneyistooshorttomention

I'm not that surprised somehow, as I had had my suspicions for a long time.

Anyway, I have a brother (married/with adult children/living elsewhere in country) and I live nearby to my elderly/ill parents.

My brother was not very happy at all to be told by me that I will be moving to elsewhere in the country myself soon and am in process of selling my house/moving to the next one currently.

His concern - reiterated more than once - is what will happen to our mother when I do. I was so shocked (if not surprised) that he clearly feels this is my concern and my concern only (nothing to do with him of course:cool:) that I didn't have the sense to reply with "Well...what do YOU think about that?".

I'm not surprised somehow. I have wondered for years if the rest of family (father, mother and brother) have all calmly decided what I will do with the "rest of my life" and assumed I will turn into an unpaid carer if/when needed. So, I've carried on making my plans for retirement and am now implementing them, whilst all three of them have "buried their heads in the sand" and assumed that I will do what they want in this respect and live my life to suit them.:eek:

Obviously, I want to know my mother is safely "sorted out" and able to manage okay and I have tried over the years to try and persuade her to learn to be more "independent" (learn to drive/get on the Internet/move to "easier" accommodation/change the bills to direct debit/etc) and got nowhere. It feels like she has "buried her head in the sand" and decided that if she doesnt arrange to be "independent" then she won't ever have to be:cool:. I know this isn't just her, as a lot of women of her generation seem to have done exactly the same thing "If I don't want to and don't learn to...then I won't have to" and a lot of them have put themselves in a difficult situation because of this lack of forethought.

So, my brother is trying to "wash his hands" of it by the look of it and my parents look as if they have been "washing their hands" of it all this time and all just relying on me to ruin my own life and "pick up the pieces".

There must be a lot of others (and my suspicion is that it will usually be daughters at that:cool:) who found themselves in this position of everyone else assuming they would "turn to and ruin their own lives in the process" and wanted to ensure that the non-independent mother was okay AND make sure their own lives were okay too.

What did everyone else in this situation do and how did it turn out?

mountainofdebt

A saying springs to mind....."necessity is the mother of all inventions"

pollypenny

I don't think I'd have moved AWAY from my elderly parents. We moved when we were first married.

I was the one who had to drive 160 miles to visit and sort things out for my father after my mum died.

Yes, it's usually a daughter - and the first born at that.

margaretclare

Reading your post, feels like stepping back a century, because in Victorian times, if there was a family of sons and daughters, one daughter would always be encouraged not to marry just so that she would be there to look after mum/dad in their declining years. I recall reading Vera Brittain's 'Testament of Youth' when she was nursing in France during WW1 and had to come home and look after her mother who was ill. Never mind that she'd been doing essential work looking after badly-wounded soldiers - her obligation was at home. Brothers were always let out of this duty because 'they have a wife and family to support'.

Obviously, I want to know my mother is safely "sorted out" and able to manage okay and I have tried over the years to try and persuade her to learn to be more "independent" (learn to drive/get on the Internet/move to "easier" accommodation/change the bills to direct debit/etc) and got nowhere. It feels like she has "buried her head in the sand" and decided that if she doesnt arrange to be "independent" then she won't ever have to be:cool:. I know this isn't just her, as a lot of women of her generation seem to have done exactly the same thing "If I don't want to and don't learn to...then I won't have to" and a lot of them have put themselves in a difficult situation because of this lack of forethought.

I think this is true of a lot of my generation. I have a cousin in her early 70s now who has always boasted that 'their home is a computer-free zone'. DH's cousin's wife never saw the need to learn to drive, but since cousin's been so ill it has been extremely inconvenient for her what with all the hospital visiting, getting there by bus, not wanting to do it after dark etc. And the number of people who still go and draw their pension out in cash, used to be from the PO, now from the bank, but Monday mornings in the square you still see them. I can't imagine trying to live my life that way, but many still do.

All I can say to you is - we only get one crack at life and it is up to you and to nobody else, how you choose to live it. I believe in living life to the full, and I don't live my life to suit other people. Best wishes to you and don't let them 'mess with your head' which they may well try to.

valk_scot

Do your parents know you're moving? What did they say when you discussed your intentions, or did you present it as a done deal? Because if you just dropped it on them rather than mention it during the run-up I can imagine they would feel a little hard done by if you've never mentioned it before now, as would your brother.

I led my life as I wanted to btw, and moved away as did my sister. In later years when my mum was on her own and in need of more support we moveed her to be near me and my family so I could keep an eye on her. It worked fine for us because by that time all her local friends had died, unfortunately, so she didn't mind moving to a new community. But it might not work for you...if your parents are elderly and unwell, who is going to look after them? Both you and your brother, or neither of you?

Sounds like you, brother, parents and any spouses involved need to get round a table and discuss this tbh, rather than your brother just dumping it on you and then you jumping ship without warning. You need to get a rough plan in place, even if you are not intending to have anything to do with any future care. It will give your brother and parents the chance to consider other options. But no, I don't think it should be the automatic responsibility of the single daughter, nope.

FatVonD

If your brother is assuming you can be your parents carer because you are unmarried tell him you are thinking of marrying a Gambian toy boy. Or more sensibly that you cannot be a carer as you will have to work until you drop to support yourself (which is probably true if you were born around the same time I was and have had your retirement goalposts moved twice!), unlike his wife and himself where one can work to support them both while the other takes on the carer role.

mountainofdebt

Actually I think you are being a tad unfair when you say decided in your first post, I think assumed may be a better choice.

Also have you told them beforehand that you were planning on moving ? Perhaps the news came as a slight shock .....one thing to bury your head in the sand because you don't feel the need to (there will always be you to do things) but another to bury your head in the sand because it never occured to them that there may be a reason why they shoudl learn these things.

And to be honest I think there will always be one son or daughter that the rest of the family assume will cover the bases

FatVonD

ophellia wrote: »

Who cares if she didn't consult the move with her family first, she is an Adult she can do as she pleases. Her brother has probably been relying on her to do all the caring rather than taking responsabillity himself, time the OP lived without guilt or restrictions.

I agree with this, I doubt the brother had to ask permission to up sticks and move.

charlies-aunt

There is an old saying

" A son is a son - until he takes a wife
A daughter is a daughter - all her life"

I looked after my parents for nearly twenty years from being approx 25 - 45 years old - unpaid home help, nurse, cleaner, taxi driver, gardener, dog walker - despite being married, having two children, working and living out of town ........... dear brother (married, working but no children through choice & living closer) visited on birthdays and Christmas, didn't do a hands turn and was treasured as the perfect son.

Please don't give in to emotional blackmail as I did

I spent years running myself ragged trying to juggle my time to meet everyones needs and do what was expected of me . . . . towards the end, I was really struggling and had to beg my brother for help - he grudgingly agreed but when push came to shove - there was always an excuse

You are only here once - live your life the way you want to

NeverEnough

mountainofdebt wrote: »

Actually I think you are being a tad unfair when you say decided in your first post, I think assumed may be a better choice.

Also have you told them beforehand that you were planning on moving ? Perhaps the news came as a slight shock .....one thing to bury your head in the sand because you don't feel the need to (there will always be you to do things) but another to bury your head in the sand because it never occured to them that there may be a reason why they shoudl learn these things.

And to be honest I think there will always be one son or daughter that the rest of the family assume will cover the bases

No-one should be "assuming" that one sibling will take on the care of an elderly parent or relative and end up wrecking their lives by doing that - no relative is actually responsible for the care of a parent unless they choose to be, or agree to be. OP's mother has clearly had some encouragement to render herself less helpless but has chosen not to do so - she is an adult and can make those decisions validly, just as her daughter can quite rightly make a decision to move elsewhere and get on with her life - she does not have to be a lifelong skivvy to her mum, just because she happens to be the eldest daughter, the mum could help herself more from what it sounds, although chooses not to do so.

OP, You have one life - live it as you wish to do, and don't be swayed into feeling guilty by your siblings or random forum commenters. Your life is your own to live, it does not belong to your mother, brothers or family.

mountainofdebt

ophellia wrote: »

Well no, and that doesn't make it right or fair. It's extremely archaic to assume the unwed Daughter will give her life up in order to always be on call.

Who said anything about being unwed ? And I specifically said son OR daughter.

I'm married and yes I live no far from my mum but I know my sister would be useless if mum needed looking after, and I doubt very much there would be any offer either!

ophellia wrote: »

Who cares if she didn't consult the move with her family first, she is an Adult she can do as she pleases. Her brother has probably been relying on her to do all the caring rather than taking responsabillity himself, time the OP lived without guilt or restrictions.

There's a world of difference of being the one that has taken on board the role of carer, more likely by default but telling them that she had plans for her life and the family ignoring the warnings and the carer suddenly announing that she was no longer doing that role.