Just confirmed my family have planned my life for me

moneyistooshorttomention

Mumps

My father is unlikely to live much longer - as we all know.

I do various odd "bits and bobs" for my parents at present - odd bits of shopping and in daily hospital visiting etc when required. Looking information up on the Internet for my mother is one thing that I can do wherever I live obviously. Some degree of success with odd bits of trying to persuade parents to do beneficial things - like shopping around for car insurance, getting cavity wall insulation free scheme, etc.

What all of them are concerned with is what happens to my mother when my father dies. My brother has obviously been expecting me to stay living nearby and "on call" for as & when required. My mother has made it plain she just likes me living nearby in case (if not under the same roof...).

silvercar

My father is unlikely to live much longer - as we all know.

Sorry to hear this. Having lost my father this summer, I can tell you that in all likelihood your relationship with your mother will change. She will change from being part of a couple who presumably co-depended, she will be single and grieving and less able to cope. This is bound to make some changes to her relationship with you. Don't pre-judge your relationship with the person she will become.

mumps

So they are actually pretty independent at the moment, don't seem to be relying on you for anything vital. That is good as problems not overwhelming at the moment. You obviously aren't going to be a regular visitor after your move so makes sense to plan ahead. I see in an earlier post you mention your parents couldn't afford a retirement village but what about a sheltered flat? Some of them are quite reasonable and you can get them to rent. They could sell their house and use the lump sum to pay their rent. If they outlive the capital they would be eligible for help with their rent if they only have small pensions. Would they consider this? If not you might find your mother changes her mind if she is left on her own. Might not be ideal as you would probably need to help her with the move, your brother should help as well, but would probably be worth investing the time to ensure she is well set up. I think you are probably feeling a bit worried about leaving them and so seeing this as worse than it is. I hope it all goes well.

Have a word with AgeUk, they might be able to help them with some practical things like form filling and arranging transport.

HariboJunkie

Sorry to hear you don't sound close to your mother or brother. I was always very close to both my parents and siblings so find it hard to put myself in your shoes but i think Nicki has raised some very salient points about what exactly needs to be discussed with your brother. Whether you all get along or not it's clear you both care what happens to your mother and as you have her best interests at heart surely you can come to some arrangement about who will care for her when she needs it.

Also I think you need to discuss in depth with your parents what it is that THEY want as otherwise your planning for them to go into different accomodation/care homes is really just making you as guilty of making assumptions about their lives as you claim they have been about yours.

Just one more small point....

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

Obviously, I want to know my mother is safely "sorted out" and able to manage okay and I have tried over the years to try and persuade her to learn to be more "independent" (learn to drive/...

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

(I myself don't drive).

.

If you are in your sixties it's no way too late to learn to drive and gain the independance you tried to encourage your mother to have. I have a relative who learned to drive in her sixties when she lost her husband so it is possible.

Good luck with it all.

margaretclare

Just to add a couple of points: Jazabelle, I'm glad you mentioned silver surfers. DH has for a long time now been a volunteer, police-checked so that he can go into people's homes to help them set up and run their newly-acquired laptops,skype, all the rest. Many of them are 80-90 and have been so pleased, now able to keep in touch with relatives at the other side of the world.

HariboJunkie, I too had a relative who learned to drive at 60+.

We're now 300 miles from home in a lovely farm B&B in West Wales. DH is 78 tomorrow and we're going to St David's Cathedral to give thanks.

Glad you enjoyed the 'Miss Potter' film. She managed to break out of the expected mould and do a lot of good in the world thanks to her individual talent.

Pitlanepiglet

Gosh what a sad situation. I think Nicki made some very sensible points in a non judgmental manner - the OP appears to be doing the common thing of only listening to those who are agreeing with her.

I only have one remaining parent, my dad who is approaching 80. We (husband & I) lived 90 minutes away but Dad reached a point four years ago where his mobility and care needs were becoming an issue and we made the decision to move back "home" (for me) and to live with Dad - we have a grampa annexe.

My sister lives overseas but we have always talked about Dad's care and I know that it is hugely difficult for her to be away from him when he is ill. She feels very helpless, she can't do any thing and she knows that we are carrying the can - I'm under no illusions that it isn't easy for her. My sister comes over at least one a year, usually twice and on the odd occasions when things have been very difficult and I've said "I need you", she's got on a plane and been here.

Dad is doing pretty well at the moment, he drives - but forgets to get his car MOT'd and Tax'd without being reminded. He uses a computer - but manages to break it fairly frequently by randomly clicking things. He doesn't like internet banking, he likes to go to the bank. He doesn't take his medication unless reminded, he panics when he gets letters through the post that he doesn't really understand and he struggles to use automated telephone systems. Just now he came in as he'd lost one of his cordless phones and it was obviously switched on and he was worried about it so I had to go and find it.

The reality is that elderly people need some help - driving, using a computer and the like don't stop their need for support and it's those little things that aren't covered by the NHS and Social Services.

Even when social services kick in, there is still a need for someone to be there - we moved 90 year old MiL to be nearer to us as whilst OH's brother visited nobody was sorting things out for her - her hearing had gone but nobody would take her to sort out hearing aids so she was socially isolated. She only had a bath which she couldn't get into although she was in a sheltered flat and the housing association would have put a shower in. It's very very difficult to deal with these things remotely - you really need to be there when the occupational therapist comes around or (if they are like mine) they are a bit prone to playing the "I can do it" card. Someone needs to be there to read the letters that they don't understand....

For us being here, for Dad and for MiL is by far easier than trying to deal with both of them remotely, I fear the OP is going to end up feeling bitter about having to deal with things from a distance. After all neither she nor her brother will change when she moves - she may live elsewhere but their personalities will remain the same and their inability to discuss their parents care needs will continue.

It isn't easy but I don't feel hard done by, we've rebuilt our lives here and I feel lucky to be able to spend time with Dad - we didn't always have a good relationship, he and my mum were divorced and I had little contact for a number of years. Bitterness just eats you up and ruins lives.

Good luck OP, I hope you find what you are looking for in the world.

Mojisola

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

(my parents have room for me - but my mother and I are best off not under the same roof as each other for more than a few hours at a stretch:rotfl:- so I wouldnt stay in my old room and she wouldnt want me to). We both shudder visibly at the thought of us both staying under the same roof for long....:rotfl:.

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

What all of them are concerned with is what happens to my mother when my father dies. My brother has obviously been expecting me to stay living nearby and "on call" for as & when required. My mother has made it plain she just likes me living nearby in case (if not under the same roof...).

In the light of the bit in bold, it's totally unrealistic for anyone in the family to expect you to do much for your mother!

mumps

margaretclare wrote: »

Just to add a couple of points: Jazabelle, I'm glad you mentioned silver surfers. DH has for a long time now been a volunteer, police-checked so that he can go into people's homes to help them set up and run their newly-acquired laptops,skype, all the rest.

Do you mean CRB checked?

Dunroamin

CH27 wrote: »

There is no way I could contemplate leaving my elderly dad to move so far away.

Me neither. How anyone could describe the OP as a caring person is beyond me.

Person_one

Dunroamin wrote: »

Me neither. How anyone could describe the OP as a caring person is beyond me.

The OP has a mother who apparently can't bear the thought of having to spend a night under the same roof as her daughter, and doesn't seem to mind that her daughter knows this.

How she has the nerve to expect anything from her is what's beyond me.