Just confirmed my family have planned my life for me

moneyistooshorttomention

chewynut wrote: »

My grandad is going to be moving into one of the community village complex things that have been mentioned before on this thread. He's been waiting for it to be built and the builders are literally handing it over this week. It's going to be heaven on earth for him because everything's flat and he's going to be able to go to the swimming pool by himself again! He's paying through the nose for it but we're hoping that because it's such an amazing place, he's not going to need half as much care as he does now. We didn't think he'd be able to afford it but my parents went down to talk to Trident, who built the place and there's different things they can do to help. It's always worth asking!

Thank you:T

No sooner said than done - an email has pinged its way over to them already with a couple of queries about this and requesting a brochure.

I can see that my parents could afford to buy one of those places from the money tied-up in their current house:D. What I'm not sure of is whether they could afford the level of service charges and what guaranties there are about there being no "real" price increases above inflation on them. Also it is in another area of the country to them and I have asked if non-locals are allowed to live there and whether they know of similar elsewhere in the country. The fact that they could afford the buying price of a place there doesn't necessarily mean they could afford a similar one in our area of the country (because it's much more expensive here) - so I think the main thing would be whether they allow non-locals there and whether my parents would be prepared to move to elsewhere in the country (now THAT is a biggie - bearing in mind just how attached they are to our area of the country!!).

Sounds like it will suit your grandad well and I hope he is happy there.

TheDoolallyDilly

Person_one wrote: »

Every situation is different. Sometimes it can be so demanding and draining that it doesn't matter how much you love your parents, you just can't cope. Not to mention that as people live longer and longer the adult children of dementia patients can be in their sixties or seventies and possibly not in the best of health themselves.

I think it's lovely when children want to care for their parents, but it's always a choice and not an obligation. People shouldn't see having children as some sort of alternative to a Bupa plan.

I agree. I have cared for my son who has a severe learning disability since he was born (obviously!). I'm bombing towards 50 now, and I'm tired - he's away at college during term times now and I am trying to fit 19 years of my life that I missed into the 3 years he is at college. He'll be back and that'll be the end of evenings out and time to relax. I am, frankly, frustrated at not having had a 'proper' life of my own. My parents are in their 80s, fortunately still able to sort out their own bills, have Tesco deliver etc, but what happens when they can't. I'm their only child ...

Mojisola wrote: »

money - it sounds as if, for the first time in your life, you're getting the chance to live as you've always wanted to live. No-one should be telling you not to!

I agree.

moneyistooshorttomention

Doolally

I sympathise and can see why you are trying to fit that "19 years of your life into 3 years". That is very understandable indeed.

Just hoping you don't get tempted to overdo it and find yourself burning out after 19 tiring years as a background to this scenario (ie meaning your "energy levels" will have been depleted anyway by the preceding 19 years).

I don't know what you envisage your life being like once your son finishes his education and do hope you find a way forward that will enable both you and him to have happy, fulfilling lives and that your parents remain healthy throughout the rest of their lives (both for their own sake and so that you don't find there is an extra "burden to bear"). Just don't worry about those comments that are frequently made in a variety of settings to the effect of "when" health fails etc. It's not "when" - its "if". It's not a given that we all become in need of care when age comes along. Think I read some statistic somewhere that it's 1 in 10 people that will need care at some point (my memory might be deceiving me on that...but I'm reasonably sure that was the proportion). In other words - 9 out of 10 people DONT need care ever.

edit: Camphill Villages - are they a way forward for you? Remember being quite impressed when I read about them ages ago.

missprice

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

Mojisola

I know my own "limitations" pretty well I think. I am perfectly prepared to keep a bit of an eye out for doing odd little bits of helping a total stranger in passing - as you never know when it will be your turn to want that.

I wholeheartedly support you in this.
If you 'know' fine well you cant do it then you cant do it.
if something happened to you tomorrow what would the parents and brother do?
well whatever it is that is what they must do.

It does not apply to me as I have neither parents, grandparents or siblings. but I know with all my heart I would be the lousiest carer in the world.
therefore I would not do it even if I lived in the same town as whoever it was. and for sure if an opportunity came up to move to a better place that too is what I would do. all hypothetically speaking of course.

moneyistooshorttomention

You are so right on "knowing you would be the lousiest carer in the world". I know I'd try my best, but would just get so so frustrated about why provision hadn't been made by Society as a whole for any situations like this and wondering why I couldn't get on with the things in my life that give me so much "sustenance" and enable me to cope with problems.

Some of us?/many of us?/most of us? need "time out" to help us cope with everything that life throws our way just in regard to our own lives alone and having an extra "burden" on top of this would be more than we could find the time/energy/money to cope with without our own health/finances/mental state becoming rather precarious on us.

We've all had stuff of one description or another to deal with in our life to date and handled it more or less well/badly. I think, at some level, we all know our own limitations. We mean well - we really do - but we have watched the way things are for other people and sometimes thought "That far I could not go". I have watched carers go speechless and virtually motionless with total absolute exhaustion and these were people who were respectively paid to be a carer/married to the person concerned (the paid one was on a time-limited contract but the husband of someone severely ill knew it was an unlimited time span)...so goodness only knows how someone who hadn't "chosen" the association would go if pushed to the limit.:eek: . I felt so so sorry for that husband..one heck of a lot of respect for him and both he and his wife (a friend of mine now moved elsewhere) were people I got on well with and yet it was nearly "killing" him in the process of trying to do his best. The person with a paid-for carer nearly drove her paid carer into a nervous breakdown (ie because the caree was still trying to do a heavy load of voluntary work and it was often night work - thus a lot of us who came across her were friends with her, but tried to help her poor carer out in our various small ways).

I suspect that a lot of later life health problems boil down to the high level of "demands" made on someone's "life energy"/time/etc from finding that they were a carer and hadn't even chosen to do this. All that stress/work/etc will often come out somewhere...

SailorSam

I was always the one 'at home' in my Mums, decorating, doing the garden; cooking, even cleaning the house when my Mum wasn't well. My Sisters, one was a florist and came with lovely flowers on Mothers Day or Birthdays, the other came much more often but only to 'borrow' money.
I can remember sitting here alone after my Mum had died asking for help in sorting the house out but nobody came. Nothing changes. I don't begrudge anything i did but OP get others to do their share

Enterprise_1701C

moneyistooshorttomention- I have only just found this thread. You have my sympathies, such a hard position to be in, but you really have to put yourself first.

I myself am waiting for the time when my brothers turn round and tell me that I have to take in my father. He has recently been widowed for the second time, and his second wife managed to put a massive wedge between myself and my father. The last thing he said to me when we were still speaking was that "***** says you don't need to wear your glasses all the time". Weird or what!!!

All I can say is good luck in planning your path, stick to what YOU need and enjoy your retirement.

margaretclare

mumps wrote: »

I don't think anyone has said their is something stopping elderly people from learning how to "surf" but I and other people have said elderly people don't have to do because other people think they should. Just because you reach a certain birthday doesn't mean you become a child again and other people can tell you what to do.

The term 'elderly people' is not one that I would ever use, I regard it as demeaning. You love to nit-pick over every post and every word that I write, so carry on doing so if it makes you happy.

However, there is nothing preventing anyone from living in a previous century if that is what they choose to do, but they can't really expect someone else to facilitate their living that lifestyle when modern technology can do it all for you and free up time and energy for more rewarding pursuits.

You don't even have to go to 'silver surfers', there are people in the local library who are willing to help use the computers for public use in there.

mountainofdebt

margaretclare wrote: »

However, there is nothing preventing anyone from living in a previous century if that is what they choose to do, but they can't really expect someone else to facilitate their living that lifestyle when modern technology can do it all for you and free up time and energy for more rewarding pursuits.

But surely at the end of the day, that person has to be 'comfortable' with using that modern technology?

As an example my mum rued the day that shops stopped taking cheques and reluctantly began using her debit card.

Also she taxes her car & renews her tv licence on line but is in panic mode until the tax disc / confirmatory email comes.

mumps

margaretclare wrote: »

The term 'elderly people' is not one that I would ever use, I regard it as demeaning. You love to nit-pick over every post and every word that I write, so carry on doing so if it makes you happy.

However, there is nothing preventing anyone from living in a previous century if that is what they choose to do, but they can't really expect someone else to facilitate their living that lifestyle when modern technology can do it all for you and free up time and energy for more rewarding pursuits.

You don't even have to go to 'silver surfers', there are people in the local library who are willing to help use the computers for public use in there.

My husband is computer mad and finds the term silver surfer patronising, we are all different.