Just confirmed my family have planned my life for me

System

I felt sad reading the OP. I can understand that the OP is angry/upset at being taken for granted, put upon etc. but I don't think I could have abandoned my parents.

You obviously hadnt been treated like a punchbag whilst the favoured sibling had all the glory and couldnt be 'put on'.

Yeah, bitter me? Much! It took 15 years to say enough was enough.

Yes, we all have a responsibility for our parents but it doesnt necessarily mean living in gratitude for the rest of our lives.

Ive told my kids when the time has come, find me a good nursing home/retirement home and visit me once in a whilst to check i'm ok and i'll be happy with that.

I had my kids because i wanted them, not because i wanted them to look after me in my old age.

Poppy9

I think if Silver Surfers thought of themselves as medal winners then they wouldn't feel so patronised by the term:D Perhaps 80+ internet users could be Gold Surfers:rotfl:

mumps

margaretclare wrote: »

I didn't use it originally, someone else did. Jazabelle IIRC. You really do love to pick up on everything I write. Can't stay long. Lovely day outside and we're going into the Preseli Hills now the mist has cleared away.

I don't have any problem with people using the term silver surfers, I have no idea who originally said it. I was responding to your criticism of what I said. We all have things that we find grating, it might be Americanisms, teenage slang, swearing, racist language or whatever, you don't like the term elderly and I was merely pointing out that some people won't like things you say. Personally as long as its not swearing, blasphemy or racism I don't really care.

mumps

Judi wrote: »

You obviously hadnt been treated like a punchbag whilst the favoured sibling had all the glory and couldnt be 'put on'.

Yeah, bitter me? Much! It took 15 years to say enough was enough.

Yes, we all have a responsibility for our parents but it doesnt necessarily mean living in gratitude for the rest of our lives.

Ive told my kids when the time has come, find me a good nursing home/retirement home and visit me once in a whilst to check i'm ok and i'll be happy with that.

I had my kids because i wanted them, not because i wanted them to look after me in my old age.

That is very true, but it is nice if they want you. My youngest two have both told us when they get their own houses they intend to have a granny flat for us. Maybe they will have a fight for us? Perhaps they could split us up and have one each? Joking apart it is nice to feel they will be there for us, I haven't asked the older two what they think but they are busy with kids etc so they see me as a usefully granny rather than dependant old thing. I'm not saying it is what I want to do, I am 60 this year and not quite ready for the nursing home yet. My mother and MIL were both very independant and I hope to be like them but who knows?

We aren't like the Waltons, have our share of falling out etc, but we are incredibly lucky that our kids care about us and each other. More important than anything else to me.

Poppy9

Judi wrote: »

You obviously hadnt been treated like a punchbag whilst the favoured sibling had all the glory and couldnt be 'put on'.

Yeah, bitter me? Much! It took 15 years to say enough was enough.

Yes, we all have a responsibility for our parents but it doesnt necessarily mean living in gratitude for the rest of our lives.

Ive told my kids when the time has come, find me a good nursing home/retirement home and visit me once in a whilst to check i'm ok and i'll be happy with that.

I had my kids because i wanted them, not because i wanted them to look after me in my old age.

If you had read my next post you would see the position that my OH was in by his father.

Poppy9 wrote: »

My OH had a difficult relationship with his father as his father was an ungrateful, selfish man but he was disabled, quite severely for last 10 years. We couldn't just move away though and pretend we were not needed. Like OP the absent child, OH sister, was the darling child, whereas my OH was called all the names under the sun by his father.

Afterwards we were left with his mother who providing you stood up to her was manageable but she did become difficult in the last year, we suspected dementia, and it was upsetting for our DD to see her change.

At the end of the day though we can say we did the right thing by them and feel no guilt. The golden, but very absent DD still inherited equally with OH but she has to live with what she did. She herself is now disabled, along with her OH and they have moved hundreds of miles to be close to us last year. OH refuses to be their carer though.

Honestly I can understand you walking away as there were many a time my OH and myself (as OH wife I found it very hard to watch what went on and having to choose when to speak out) said ENOUGH. Caring for demanding relatives can be all consuming and it p!ssed me off no end that MY family would be on call when we were on holiday and OH sister wouldn't even ring them for weeks on end but she was still so highly spoken of by FIL.

Even little things can be an issue. i.e. MIL TV broke night before we went away. To make life easier for ourselves we recommended she got the same TV as us (she had habit of messing up settings) so we could talk her through on phone the which buttons to press on remote control etc. without OH or myself having to go up at 11pm at night to sort out. She didn't drive and couldn't carry TV so I ordered on line for next day delivery. Still problem it needed to be unpacked, TV stand put together and set up and she wouldn't wait 2 weeks so my nephew did it. Such a little thing but an added stress when we thought we had sorted everything before we went away and my nephew did it with such good grace.

I think the only way to keep your sanity is to stand up for yourself and I can understand that sometimes you just have to walk away and say enough is enough.


Every situation is different and sometimes the anger is not at you but their own frustration at being dependant on another person. Sadly people take it out on those they know will take it.

moneyistooshorttomention

TheDoolallyDilly wrote: »

The no computer thing is part of the overall philosophy, I think.

If something happened and I couldn't look after my son, or when we get too old to be able to, then something would be done. Probably too late/done in a rush/not preparing my son properly. When he leaves college he will, in my opinion, be as ready as he'll ever be to live away from us, albeit with considerable support. Once he is home, he will gradually get less and less able/willing. Incredibly, indescribably short-sighted of my local council :-(

Anyway, enough of me, this is your thread!

Ah right....

Wonders what the Council would deem "too old to be able to". I can understand the done "probably too late/done in a rush" etc thing. I have been thinking further re the thought of that place in Derbyshire for my parents and thought "Only a few years back they were okay about driving across the country for one of their weekends away - but these days they think twice about driving very far at all". It would have been SO much easier for them to investigate somewhere in Derbyshire a few years back - now how would they do so?

It does make a lot of sense for people to plan well in advance for any contingencies that might arise. I often think that I must be very much in the minority when it comes to planning/anticipating many years ahead for my own life personally:(. I do wish more people (and Councils) would take a longer-term view about things...even if I think I understand why they don't:(


I must admit to being shocked at the way I see my parents being treated as somewhat (rather a lot) less than A Person by authorities when it comes to it and am gearing my own personal plans towards a very cynical/realistic take on how I think the "Authorities" would treat me if ever I end up with some long-term difficulty. It is quite clear that the Authorities (Councils, NHS, whoever) have an "acceptable" (in their minds anyway) rate of attrition as to how many people can be treated badly and have their needs disregarded if it comes to it and I expect nothing for myself personally if it comes to it for me personally and plan according to an "expect nothing from the Authorities and you won't be disappointed" basis.

DOOLALLY - I'm not going to get "precious" about this being "my" thread. Do feel free to knock a few ideas round as to any possibilities there might be for your particular dilemma on here...it won't upset me honest:D

mumps

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

I must admit to being shocked at the way I see my parents being treated as somewhat (rather a lot) less than A Person by authorities when it comes to it and am gearing my own personal plans towards a very cynical/realistic take on how I think the "Authorities" would treat me if ever I end up with some long-term difficulty. It is quite clear that the Authorities (Councils, NHS, whoever) have an "acceptable" (in their minds anyway) rate of attrition as to how many people can be treated badly and have their needs disregarded if it comes to it and I expect nothing for myself personally if it comes to it for me personally and plan according to an "expect nothing from the Authorities and you won't be disappointed" basis.

In my experience alot of it is down to who shouts loudest. Not very nice and certainly not fair. I had to do a fair bit of shouting for my uncle in his last months and I feel sorry for people who haven't got someone to do this for them. If people live long enough I think most get to a stage when they need an advocate.

margaretclare

mountainofdebt wrote: »

But surely at the end of the day, that person has to be 'comfortable' with using that modern technology?

As an example my mum rued the day that shops stopped taking cheques and reluctantly began using her debit card.

Also she taxes her car & renews her tv licence on line but is in panic mode until the tax disc / confirmatory email comes.

'Comfortable' comes with use, with familiarity. We don't have TV licences any more, paid by direct debit when we did, but taxing the car online is one of the 'best things since sliced bread' as the saying goes. I could never afford to tax it for the full year, so every 6 months there was the wait in the PO queue, time that could have been better spent. I still write the occasional cheque, but it's very occasional.

moneyistooshorttomention

mumps wrote: »

In my experience alot of it is down to who shouts loudest. Not very nice and certainly not fair. I had to do a fair bit of shouting for my uncle in his last months and I feel sorry for people who haven't got someone to do this for them. If people live long enough I think most get to a stage when they need an advocate.

Now "shouting" is one thing I can do and will feel better able to do from a distance in fact in some ways.

I was warned many years ago by someone in a position to know what they were talking about that I would have to be "very careful" if and when my parents got any frailer because I live so close to them. That person told me that it was "policy" for the relevant Authorities to try their best to shove caring onto any relative they could spot anywhere nearby, in order to save themselves (the Authorities that is) money. I was told this back before the recent years of cutbacks. I will feel a lot freer to "shout" from a position of being able to say "No, I can't just pop in here, do that there, do the other some place else - I don't even live in the same county any more. Now can I have the name and contact details of the person I need to contact about this please? By the way Act x, Section Y says you should be doing such and such".

I've never yet met a system that I didn't think was fair that I won't try and find a way around:rotfl:

Poppy9

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

I must admit to being shocked at the way I see my parents being treated as somewhat (rather a lot) less than A Person by authorities when it comes to it and am gearing my own personal plans towards a very cynical/realistic take on how I think the "Authorities" would treat me if ever I end up with some long-term difficulty. It is quite clear that the Authorities (Councils, NHS, whoever) have an "acceptable" (in their minds anyway) rate of attrition as to how many people can be treated badly and have their needs disregarded if it comes to it

Sorry to cut your post!

I work public sector finance so see the cost implications of rising demands for it's services and the biggest growth area is social services and education.

Children's services, impact of cases like Baby P, requiring more proactive intervention, children being accommodated either with foster carers or specialised centres and one child can cost over £1/4m a year. Children who remain with parents who have poor parenting skills are supported by child care professionals.

Adult services, an ageing population and more demand for services. HA under pressure to discharge patients as quickly as possible and LA picking up looking after them when they are home.

LA budgets being cut, in a recession they cannot increase council tax to meet the funding shortfall. The Govt. introduce/promote service standards but do not provide sufficient funding.

There are limited resources and this unfortunately limits the services it can provide. Each client has to be assessed individually and their needs met, but it might not fulfil the client's expectation but it does meet their basic needs.

There is a shortage of Social Workers as it's a very tough job and many find it difficult/frustrating having to balance meeting client's needs with limited resources.

Even with personal planning you might still find yourself in need of NHS/LA specialised assistance and with resources spread so thinly it can be hard for people to access the help they need in a timely manner.

There is talk of removing Educ and SS away from LA to central bodies to provide services over a large area to ensure consistency of level of service and economies of scale. On the down side it removes local accountability for service provision.

For those struggling with LA utilise your local councillors and council complaints procedures. Also many local support networks have ex LA workers as volunteers as they feel they have valuable skills to offer and knowledge of the workings of the systems. There are many LA who want to provide a good service and are frustrated as the client (or have experienced as we are service users too) in the limitations and they will pull out all the stops to help you.

An example of a worsening of service for clients is the Blue Badge scheme. Previously you applied to your LA who issued the badge. This could be done on the day if you had all the correct information. Now you have to apply centrally and it can take at least 2 weeks. This has come about to ensure that Blue Badges are issued fairly but many clients will not see this as a service improvement.