Just confirmed my family have planned my life for me

margaretclare

[QUOTE=wannabe sybil;58321259

My father lives with us. He is in his eighties but has a very young outlook. It works really well for us.

My uncle lives some distance away. In an ideal world he would like us to live with him. He is in his late sixties and has a very old outlook. I would not consider living near him under any circumstances as just the daily phone call and recovery time can take up to two hours out of my day.

There isn't a clear cut should/shouldn't, in my experience. I am not necessarily saying you should be focused on nothing but yourself, but I think that you owe yourself a chance to be happy. If he hadn't moved in with us, my father would be fine as he had taken all reasonable steps to keep himself able to live independently. He has three children, but is far from dependent on us and worked as if he would not be able to rely on us. My uncle has no children but relies on me and my brother to an unhealthy degree and refuses to look at trying to make things easier for himself.

What I am trying to say is that I don't think that there is a clear cut, one size fits all. I think you have looked at things clearly, made the choice and I think you should carry on. However you may find it of more comfort if you get in touch with Age UK and just check out what support is available and what sort of agencies can supply support.

Good luck![/QUOTE]

I loved this comparison, two ends of a spectrum really.

I think DH and I are more like your father in outlook, but we do know many people like your uncle, some even younger! Some people seem to have been 'old' in outlook since early childhood. It's a bit like the comparison between 'glass half empty or glass half full'.

moneyistooshorttomention

margaretclare wrote: »

Well done. Decisions made, now looking forward positively. I hope all goes well for you.

I think if I had done 'what other people expected of me', over the years, I'd never have achieved anything.

Thanks Margaret:T I really value the support you have expressed on this thread and I have read enough of history/personal stories of people to know that there have been a lot of people stymied at "achieving anything" by having been held back by life circumstances and it's such a shame when that happens.

I may - or may not:cool::o - ever "achieve anything" more than the couple of bits I am pleased with to date in my life - but every friend I consult about this confirms that they couldn't see any other option but to move in my circumstances even just to have an ordinary little Life without (hopefully:cool:) any major problem areas.

I know pretty well just what level of problems/hassles/etc will drive me into a state of virtual inactivity and low-level depression and that's part of why its taking so much time and effort to get this house sorted out to be ready for sale.( I'm really not that good at coping with "everyday ordinary hassles" beyong a certain level - after that everything "goes to pot" and I'm into Survival Mode). Reason being because I've had a basin and a half of job-related problems and latterly I could pretty much only summon up the Energy to get myself into work/stay there for the day/come home again and my house went to pot frankly while that was going on. My "second mother" figure has been through (well is still going through in some respects) some hard times in her life and said to me years ago "Sometimes money..all you can do is survive...and if that's all you can do..then it's all you can do and so do that and wait for Better Days when you can Have A Life again. Nothing wrong with just surviving if that's all you can manage". I think my "second mum" is very wise I do and I took good heed of that comment - as I have about many of her comments over the many years I have known her. She is one wise lady:D. I will miss her badly - but thank goodness for modern-day "communications".

For this evening - my friend has been round and "done his thing" and I shall sit back for the evening and admire the way some rooms are "glowing" at visitors to them and my latest Done Room is feeling so "warm" and "house like a hug" and hoping this is how it will come over to viewers.

margaretclare

I was looking a long way back into my past when I mentioned 'not doing what others expected of me'. Walking out on my first marriage, within weeks, at a time (the late 50s) when that really wasn't the thing to do, but I couldn't stand living with in-laws in a small bungalow. Going to do nurse training when everyone said I was 'too old' (22) and married. Going to train as a midwife when I had 2 children - shock horror. Doing any kind of a job when I 'should stay at home and let my husband support me'. Going to university as a mature student. Not wanting to take on the full-time care of MIL when she developed Alzheimer's. Taking in DH when he was in flight from a dreadful second marriage. Remarrying after widowhood and redundancy - 'why can't you be content to be a widow and live on your memories?' And so on.

'Survival mode' - yes, I've been there. Especially in 1992 following widowhood plus redundancy. That was what I got for working in a so-called 'caring profession'. Yes, it's sometimes all that you can do. Your second mum is a very wise lady, God bless her!

I wish you all the best for this New Year.

wannabe_sybil

I just want to add - I love my uncle dearly, I really do. I happily take the hit of the phone calls (and anyone who has witnessed them from my side knows that it is indeed a hit). My uncle is lovely, generous, kind and warmhearted. If I lived with him I would be finished within the year.

And with my father living with us, it works because we put in work to make sure everyone had space, people talked, and we relaxed about stuff. OH and he get on, and it has benefited us all. We all planned carefully what to do to make things work, talking it all through.

I also think it is important to understand that caring for elderly relatives takes a toll, it seriously does. Even having a relatively healthy, open minded and relaxed relative living with us has made a difference. He stayed for long periods for over a year to make sure it would work before he gave up his sheltered council flat. If I had taken him in without any of us thinking about it we could have ended in a situation where I couldn't cope and possibly was considerably worse off either physically, financially or both, and my father could end up homeless. If you promise more than you can actually do then in the end it causes damage to everyone. Some people can do more than others, but everyone has only a finite amount of energy which no matter how great can be depleted.

It is a lot kinder and more sensible in the long run not to promise that which you cannot give.

Mojisola

wannabe_sybil wrote: »

It is a lot kinder and more sensible in the long run not to promise that which you cannot give.

What a wise statement!

moneyistooshorttomention

wannabe_sybil wrote: »

And with my father living with us, it works because we put in work to make sure everyone had space, people talked, and we relaxed about stuff. OH and he get on, and it has benefited us all. We all planned carefully what to do to make things work, talking it all through.

I also think it is important to understand that caring for elderly relatives takes a toll, it seriously does. Even having a relatively healthy, open minded and relaxed relative living with us has made a difference. He stayed for long periods for over a year to make sure it would work before he gave up his sheltered council flat. If I had taken him in without any of us thinking about it we could have ended in a situation where I couldn't cope and possibly was considerably worse off either physically, financially or both, and my father could end up homeless. If you promise more than you can actually do then in the end it causes damage to everyone. Some people can do more than others, but everyone has only a finite amount of energy which no matter how great can be depleted.

It is a lot kinder and more sensible in the long run not to promise that which you cannot give.

That sounds like you indeed gave this a great deal of thought and planning all round:T and its been useful to hear your experience of this.

I grinned wryly at you saying there had been difficulties, even though your father is "relatively healthy, open-minded and relaxed" and thought "That makes him the exact opposite of my mother then and Sybil experiences some problems with this". Nobody but nobody would ever describe my mother as "relaxed" (probably including my parents themselves).

I knew what you mean by "recovery time" after just talking to your uncle on the phone. I have learnt that I'd better not "expect myself" to get on with any tasks I have planned for the rest of the day after visiting my mother - as quite often it "wipes me out" for the rest of the day mentally. I've learnt to plan in "wasted hours - for recovery time purposes" for the rest of the day each time, as otherwise I get so frustrated with myself for not getting on with what I planned to and to regard it as a bonus if I'm able to summon up the Energy to do any of what I wish to do myself for the rest of visiting days.

I very much agree with the idea that everyone has a "finite amount of energy" - whether you take that as meaning "energy" or "Life Energy" - I think the effect is the same and we all do vary. I believe I probably started out in life with more Life Energy than a lot of people, but I am aware that a LOT of it got expended on dealing with various job problems I had prior to retirement. I just congratulated myself on managing to summon up enough Life Energy to get through situations that I could see an awful lot of people couldn't handle and "caved into". Hence I reached retirement in an absolutely shattered state and need some serious Recovery Time from that in order to get out of being overdrawn on that particular "bank account" and hope I can get back to normal ("my" definition of normal that is) soon.

moneyistooshorttomention

Bit upset right now - though/because it confirms my perception about that job I have recently (and very thankfully) retired from....

I have been told today that a former work colleague of mine recently tried to commit suicide specifically because of the job.:(

The person concerned isn't someone I know at all well, but they are one of the "reasonable ones" there and with a kind streak in their nature. I knew they were feeling stressed (but then all the "reasonable ones" there are:cool:). They are a decent, intelligent, reasonable sort of person - so it is a bit of a "blow" to hear that and to realise that the workplace won't give two hoots if they hear about it and would be more likely to think "Shame it didn't work, that would be one less member of staff to pay":cool:

Feels a bit "knocked sideways" for someone (ie me) who has done their best to train themselves into being "unemotional", as that way you don't get hurt.

mumps

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

Bit upset right now - though/because it confirms my perception about that job I have recently (and very thankfully) retired from....

I have been told today that a former work colleague of mine recently tried to commit suicide specifically because of the job.:(

The person concerned isn't someone I know at all well, but they are one of the "reasonable ones" there and with a kind streak in their nature. I knew they were feeling stressed (but then all the "reasonable ones" there are:cool:). They are a decent, intelligent, reasonable sort of person - so it is a bit of a "blow" to hear that and to realise that the workplace won't give two hoots if they hear about it and would be more likely to think "Shame it didn't work, that would be one less member of staff to pay":cool:

Feels a bit "knocked sideways" for someone (ie me) who has done their best to train themselves into being "unemotional", as that way you don't get hurt.

That is so sad, I hope they are OK. I believe this time of year is stressful, I have heard it said that more marriages break up and more suicides happen at Christmas/New Year. Your previous employer doesn't sound very nice.

I hope you hear something positive from your brother soon. Is the house on the market yet?

moneyistooshorttomention

mumps wrote: »

That is so sad, I hope they are OK. I believe this time of year is stressful, I have heard it said that more marriages break up and more suicides happen at Christmas/New Year. Your previous employer doesn't sound very nice.

I hope you hear something positive from your brother soon. Is the house on the market yet?

Oh I do so like that British "understatement" - "your previous employer doesnt sound very nice"...:rotfl:. Apologies - I've gone off into "black humour mode" at this moment. I can beat - or at least rival - doctors and nurses for "black humour" when I get into it....:( and understand where they are coming from with it...:(

Anyways...house is darn nearly ready to "go on the market" now - thanks be..._party_. Remind me to "get my head examined" if I ever put myself through some pretty solid weeks worth of unpaid/thankless work like it again...

Estate agent coming round in a couple of weeks time for doing the photos/plan/description - so that I have time for a couple of weeks absolute "fine tuning" to make sure they are totally perfect (having been astonished at just how many house sale particulars are very far from perfect!) and I am 99% certain that the house goes on the market in February. Estate agents " there" have been told I will come for a special trip sooner than my Housebuying Hunt one if "summat special" is available.

...and I'm being "put through the mill" from a parental direction yet again...for the 1 millionth time...and wondering just how many more times that will happen (as it has happened time after time after time after....etc....for over 20 years now...re my fathers health now...) so there's the usual "feel sorry for/sympathise and think that we must be on time number 10,003 or so of this by now and I know what they mean by Compassion Fatigue....":(.

So its a bit of a joint "I am not a crutch (yet again...yet again) I'm a person" in one direction and shock at my ex-colleagues situation on the other hand. I have seen so many of my (now ex) colleagues so "beaten down" by the job and it was absolute touch and go on the other hand as to whether I'd land up joining the "beaten down and roll over and do whatever-that-****-employer wants" thing sometimes myself - but I'm a stubborn little ***** and wasnt prepared to get "beaten down" too.:rotfl:

Anyways...had a little thing from Desired Destination yesterday out of the blue - brochure re holidays, etc there - and took that as "Sign It Is Meant" and sat there thinking "Every time I look at this it just looks better....." and I am homesick for this place I've never even visited.....and I WILL push on and get there...

Thank you for asking:)

poet123

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

Oh I do so like that British "understatement" - "your previous employer doesnt sound very nice"...:rotfl:. Apologies - I've gone off into "black humour mode" at this moment. I can beat - or at least rival - doctors and nurses for "black humour" when I get into it....:( and understand where they are coming from with it...:(

Anyways...house is darn nearly ready to "go on the market" now - thanks be..._party_. Remind me to "get my head examined" if I ever put myself through some pretty solid weeks worth of unpaid/thankless work like it again...

Estate agent coming round in a couple of weeks time for doing the photos/plan/description - so that I have time for a couple of weeks absolute "fine tuning" to make sure they are totally perfect (having been astonished at just how many house sale particulars are very far from perfect!) and I am 99% certain that the house goes on the market in February. Estate agents " there" have been told I will come over for a special trip sooner than my Housebuying Hunt one if "summat special" is available.

...and I'm being "put through the mill" from a parental direction yet again...for the 1 millionth time...and wondering just how many more times that will happen (as it has happened time after time after time after....etc....for over 20 years now...re my fathers health now...) so there's the usual "feel sorry for/sympathise and think that we must be on time number 10,003 or so of this by now and I know what they mean by Compassion Fatigue....":(.

So its a bit of a joint "I am not a crutch (yet again...yet again) I'm a person" in one direction and shock at my ex-colleagues situation on the other hand. I have seen so many of my (now ex) colleagues so "beaten down" by the job and it was absolute touch and go on the other hand as to whether I'd land up joining the "beaten down and roll over and do whatever-that-****-employer wants" thing sometimes myself - but I'm a stubborn little ***** and wasnt prepared to get "beaten down" too.:rotfl:

Anyways...had me a little thing from Desired Destination yesterday out of the blue - brochure re holidays, etc there - and took that as "Sign It Is Meant" and sat there thinking "Every time I look at this it just looks better....." and I am homesick for this place I've never even visited.....and I WILL push on and get there...

Thank you for asking:)

To be honest that worries me.....Hope everything works out for you though.