Just confirmed my family have planned my life for me

Lunar_Eclipse

What a sad thread on so many levels. I really feel for the OP.

Having read the entire thread, offering some brilliant practical advice (Nicki got a grilling despite coming across as possibly the most helpful) I can't help but wonder how this can pan out well for all parties.

It reads like a lightbulb moment thread of running away, sadly leaving aging parents behind, although I hope that's not really the case. I feel for the OP in her desperation to consider moving so far away from her parents at this stage in their life. Not something I could live with personally but I wish her well and just hope that she has truly thought it through enough.

I think I would really try to come up with a plan for helping your parents when the time comes, with your brother, sooner rather that later, if possible.

moneyistooshorttomention

As I have been heavily influenced over the years by "positive" American thinking, I have spent time over those years thinking "To every problem there is a solution - it's just a question of finding it".

Sadly - there isn't. There is a solution to many problems - but not all. "Happily ever after" endings all round are for fairy tales, but ITRW we do the best we can to get the happiest ending we can.

The one thing that strikes me strongly re comments about how I would "live with myself" that have been made across the course of this thread by a few people is that no-one seems to have wondered how my mother would "live with herself" if the rest of my life got mucked-up substantially/ruined by her. I guess that is supposed to mean that everyone thinks my mother doesnt care a bit about me and therefore wouldnt "feel my pain"......?? Or do they think she would be so busy being relieved I was going to stay after all that she would totally ignore the effect on me of doing so? (which is probably how she would feel in effect - just "Thank goodness I have help to hand if I want - so what about what happens to Money's life even after I've gone in the process"). She has shocked me sometimes with her attitudes to other people, so I'm shocked/but not surprised that she has shown no concern for MY life.

Person_one

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

Re expecting my "father to go first" - his energy is nearly gone/his colouring is often "white as a sheet" and always white now. Blue fingertips. Breathing changing. He is only eating at all with great reluctance. I "feel" his energy levels are nearly out. The only reason he is still here is because he is fighting. My mother has changed colouring and is pretty pale now - but not that pale and still has "reserves of energy" if lower than they used to be.

I may have missed this earlier in the thread, but does your father have a diagnosis of a terminal illness?

C_Mababejive

#1 Love the headline and really,it encapsulates one of the major dilemmas of life. How we handle power within our relationships. You see if your not careful,you will find that people are always planning your life for you. If it isnt your parents its your siblings,partner,lover,wife,husband..whatever.

You then find that you wake up one day and have completely lost your individuality. These people have insidiously taken control of you and you no longer have control over your own life.

Why do they do it? Well for a myriad of reasons.

Something they think you cant manage or they need to help you or advise you on what they think is best.

Often though the underlying reason though you or they may not recognise it ,,is that they are simply manipulating situations to make things better and more comfortable for themselves..in short..self interest and selfishness.

If someone else is a casualty,who cares as long as they gain.

margaretclare

Person_one wrote: »

I may have missed this earlier in the thread, but does your father have a diagnosis of a terminal illness?

It sounds like severe heart damage/heart failure, the breathlessness, the blue fingers and lips? Is this right, money?

We've just had a shock. A good friend in the USA had congestive heart failure (among other things) and she has just died. In her late 60s, leaving her mother in her mid-90s.

Dunroamin

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

As I have been heavily influenced over the years by "positive" American thinking, I have spent time over those years thinking "To every problem there is a solution - it's just a question of finding it".

Sadly - there isn't. There is a solution to many problems - but not all. "Happily ever after" endings all round are for fairy tales, but ITRW we do the best we can to get the happiest ending we can.

The one thing that strikes me strongly re comments about how I would "live with myself" that have been made across the course of this thread by a few people is that no-one seems to have wondered how my mother would "live with herself" if the rest of my life got mucked-up substantially/ruined by her. I guess that is supposed to mean that everyone thinks my mother doesnt care a bit about me and therefore wouldnt "feel my pain"......?? Or do they think she would be so busy being relieved I was going to stay after all that she would totally ignore the effect on me of doing so? (which is probably how she would feel in effect - just "Thank goodness I have help to hand if I want - so what about what happens to Money's life even after I've gone in the process"). She has shocked me sometimes with her attitudes to other people, so I'm shocked/but not surprised that she has shown no concern for MY life.

There might well have been different comments if it had been your mother asking the questions rather than you, although I doubt that many of us would consider we were ruining a close family member's life by having them care for us. I really hope that my husband doesn't feel that.

Mojisola

Dunroamin wrote: »

There might well have been different comments if it had been your mother asking the questions rather than you, although I doubt that many of us would consider we were ruining a close family member's life by having them care for us. I really hope that my husband doesn't feel that.

I would never have said so to my parents but the years I have spent looking after them has had a detrimental effect on my life and health. I've glad I was able to care for them when I did but I could not have gone on for much longer.

If my lovely husband wasn't so tolerant, it could have had a serious effect on our relationship.

I hope that we can make plans for our later years so that we don't have to call on any of our children to make the sacrifices that I've had to.

Dunroamin

Mojisola wrote: »

I would never have said so to my parents but the years I have spent looking after them has had a detrimental effect on my life and health. I've glad I was able to care for them when I did but I could not have gone on for much longer.

If my lovely husband wasn't so tolerant, it could have had a serious effect on our relationship.

I hope that we can make plans for our later years so that we don't have to call on any of our children to make the sacrifices that I've had to.

I do appreciate what you're saying but I think there could be a middle way between sacrificing your life and health to care for someone and deliberately choosing to move a days' journey away from an elderly widowed parent.

Lunar_Eclipse

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

The one thing that strikes me strongly re comments about how I would "live with myself" that have been made across the course of this thread by a few people is that no-one seems to have wondered how my mother would "live with herself" if the rest of my life got mucked-up substantially/ruined by her. I guess that is supposed to mean that everyone thinks my mother doesnt care a bit about me and therefore wouldnt "feel my pain"......?? Or do they think she would be so busy being relieved I was going to stay after all that she would totally ignore the effect on me of doing so? (which is probably how she would feel in effect - just "Thank goodness I have help to hand if I want - so what about what happens to Money's life even after I've gone in the process"). She has shocked me sometimes with her attitudes to other people, so I'm shocked/but not surprised that she has shown no concern for MY life.

Two things strike me about this:

1) Firstly, as someone in the 'how could you live with yourself' camp, this wholly applies to how *I* would feel and is not intended as a guilt trip in the slightest. I just honestly couldn't contemplate what you are considering and can't help but wonder why you didn't move away years ago. The fact that you are choosing to leave, to live somewhere you haven't even visited, as opposed to having a "pull" to somewhere you love, raises concerns to me about your reasoning for moving. It sounds very much like you are 'running away' from your parents and current life, to a new one with less responsibilities.

2) The comments you made about how your mother would feel if you stayed confirm my thoughts above.

It is clear that you have a difficult relationship with your mother/parents/family. I hope you manage to find peace with them all whilst they are still alive (for you and you alone.)

Mojisola

Dunroamin wrote: »

I do appreciate what you're saying but I think there could be a middle way between sacrificing your life and health to care for someone and deliberately choosing to move a days' journey away from an elderly widowed parent.

The difference is that our family is very close and my parents had done a lot for me over the years. Although it was a struggle, I was glad that I could make their lives easier for them. Even with the good relationship we had, it was very hard.

If our relationship had been anything like the one money describes, I would not have done what I did. Without all the good feelings we had towards one another, it would have been stressful beyond managing.

If money has been the one on hand up until retirement age, I would be pushing for the brother to step up and do his bit for a few years.