Just confirmed my family have planned my life for me

Mojisola

Pitlanepiglet wrote: »

Good luck with everything, you've clearly made your mind up that you can solve all the problems, I genuinely don't think that you understand the realities of the issues but I really hope you find happiness.

But this is the problem - should someone who has a chance at the life she's dreamed about go for it before she gets too old or should she stay in an area she doesn't like to be near parents (one of whom doesn't like her) just in case they need help which her brother can't provide?

I suspect that money is shutting her eyes a bit to the problems but, if she stays nearby, she will become the main carer and that is the one thing she is clear she doesn't want to do.

CH27

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

Thinks: wonders if there is any financial help available for train costs if there were more than 1 or 2 "extra" visits back here - as I am only going to be on part pension for some while till my State Pension Age and my savings will be taking a heck of a bashing as it is making up the shortfall till then, as well as actually being "savings" and being "money to get work done on new house - bet there will be some of that".?? (If anyone knows if there is any financial help towards transport costs back to visit an ill relative I'd be pleased of a PM on that - as I am on a pension that is so low till my SPA that I'll be lucky if there's anything left after bills/weekly living).

I'm shocked at this.

You are choosing to move so far away from your parents that you are unable to afford to get to them if they need you.

There is living your own life & not being put upon and then there is meanness & I think your have crossed the line into meanness.

moneyistooshorttomention

Ch

I could say what my pension level will be until I reach my revised State Pension Age and you might be shocked at how low it is and it feels "brave" to give up a job (no matter how bad) at my own retirement age, rather than waiting till that SPA. Have you read my earlier post re a work colleague who recently tried to commit suicide because the job is that stressful? Unless you knew our work conditions/pressures on us you wouldnt know why they did this. I know and I do understand.

Have you read my earlier posts explaining that it is impossible for anyone to stay in the house I am in for that much longer without being exposed to very much worse problems than the worsening area ones that are now a regular feature round here?

Have you understood that I have no option whatsoever but that I had to retire now? Have you understood that anyone living in my house that can see very far into the future at all has no option but to sell the house (but that I have done my bit and much much more than my bit to try and keep the area on track and decent)?

Have you understood that I have "been there" for many years now for my parents?

Have you any idea just how far those savings of mine are going to have to stretch already for me to have managed financially to retire at my retirement age and that, obviously (as with anyone) there will have to still be some there once I get older myself (ie in case I need to pay for help)?

Frankly - I think I have been quite polite in the way I expressed my reply to this...I could have been a heck of a lot blunter in my reply but I chose "to be the better person" and stay polite. If I told you my financial position then a reasonable person would understand. You may or may not understand if I told you my income. Either way, I have no plans to come out with the income level I am now on - because it's not anyone else's business except mine.

silvercar

Frankly - I think I have been quite polite in the way I expressed my reply to this...I could have been a heck of a lot blunter in my reply but I chose "to be the better person" and stay polite. If I told you my financial position then a reasonable person would understand. You may or may not understand if I told you my income. Either way, I have no plans to come out with the income level I am now on - because it's not anyone else's business except mine.

You feel you need to move away, you feel the need to sacrifice income to move away, you feel the need for a change in lifestyle. These are all personal choices that you are entitled to make. There are some people that would think that lacks a consideration for your family and there are others encouraging you to "go for it".

I accept all that. What I find less acceptable is you then wondering if the tax payers in this country could then subsidise you to visit your home town! You move away, you have reduced income and then we are meant to pay for you to visit family! You need to include this in your budget. Then you go further by saying you have some savings and have money set aside to work on the new house, so we the taxpayers should help with train fares, so that your savings remain! Outrageous!

CH27

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

Ch

I could say what my pension level will be until I reach my revised State Pension Age and you might be shocked at how low it is and it feels "brave" to give up a job (no matter how bad) at my own retirement age, rather than waiting till that SPA. Have you read my earlier post re a work colleague who recently tried to commit suicide because the job is that stressful? Unless you knew our work conditions/pressures on us you wouldnt know why they did this. I know and I do understand.

Have you read my earlier posts explaining that it is impossible for anyone to stay in the house I am in for that much longer without being exposed to very much worse problems than the worsening area ones that are now a regular feature round here?

Have you understood that I have no option whatsoever but that I had to retire now? Have you understood that anyone living in my house that can see very far into the future at all has no option but to sell the house (but that I have done my bit and much much more than my bit to try and keep the area on track and decent)?

Have you understood that I have "been there" for many years now for my parents?

Have you any idea just how far those savings of mine are going to have to stretch already for me to have managed financially to retire at my retirement age and that, obviously (as with anyone) there will have to still be some there once I get older myself (ie in case I need to pay for help)?

Frankly - I think I have been quite polite in the way I expressed my reply to this...I could have been a heck of a lot blunter in my reply but I chose "to be the better person" and stay polite. If I told you my financial position then a reasonable person would understand. You may or may not understand if I told you my income. Either way, I have no plans to come out with the income level I am now on - because it's not anyone else's business except mine.

I've read all your previous posts & am shocked at your attitude.

Trying to be the ''better person'' is a bit rich

Poppy9

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

Thinks: wonders if there is any financial help available for train costs if there were more than 1 or 2 "extra" visits back here - as I am only going to be on part pension for some while till my State Pension Age and my savings will be taking a heck of a bashing as it is making up the shortfall till then, as well as actually being "savings" and being "money to get work done on new house - bet there will be some of that".?? (If anyone knows if there is any financial help towards transport costs back to visit an ill relative I'd be pleased of a PM on that - as I am on a pension that is so low till my SPA that I'll be lucky if there's anything left after bills/weekly living).

If you have retired early and do not have enough to live on then why not get another job, even if only a few hours a week till you get your state pension? If you are moving to a new area it will also help you meet people.

With many employers age is no longer a barrier to getting a job. DD works at Boots and when she was recruited the other person was an older person who was supplementing her pension.

I don't think you will find the state providing you with any financial help for travelling to visit family. If your parents are in need of care then they can claim benefits and if you were a full time carer you maybe able to claim, but if you are living hundreds of miles away then you will struggle.

I have to say I've kept off this thread for a while, only making the odd post lately. The reason is that I feel you are coming over as "me, me, me" and like someone having a tantrum about how your life has been etc.

I don't think there is a poster on this thread who does not understand the complexities, difficulties and extreme demands of caring for ageing parents (or even younger disabled family members). Posters also understand that you can't choose your family etc. But you are coming over, the more you post IMO, as quite cold and selfish.

Threads like this are always difficult to answer as you only hear one side of the story. I'm sure my SIL had !!!!!ing moments about my OH, who she left to do all the caring for their parents for 25 years, to her friends. Probably things like her thinking he was having money off his parents for petrol for running them around, lump sums of money for our DD, taking his father's car and then him using it himself. None of it true but in her imagination it would be and no doubt she could come on a discussion forum like this and posters would take at face value what she said.

I get you had to retire from work as you hated your job.

I get you have to move out of the area you live in.

I get you find it demanding, difficult and frustrating looking after your parents.

I get you don't "like" your parents much.

I get you feel your brother has left you to it.

What I don't get it your lack of feeling about leaving your parents with only the neighbours nearby to call on in an emergency. What if the neighbours move away?

Thousands of people are in the same position as you regarding work, housing, family etc.

I think you need to sit down and talk face to face with your brother about what is happening/going to happen with your parents. Writing a note is just going to get his back up, he might not understand how difficult you have found this whole situation.

FatVonD

At the start of this thread I was totally behind you, OP, and still think it wrong that anyone should just have assumed you would take on the role of carer but I kind of assumed, when you said you had a place in mind, that it was somewhere you had ties to or, at the very least, had spent some wonderful holidays there, not somewhere you had never visited!

You've mentioned previously that there is no train station in the town, that could so easily be rectified by just choosing another town! I too don't get on with my mother, I can't spend longer than about 30 minutes in her company before wanting to pull my hair out, but I'd never move to a location that meant I couldn't get there in an emergency!

You say you plan to fit in (even to the extent of changing your accent which I find very odd!) but you don't come across as someone who will bite her tongue if there's something she doesn't agree with. What if you find that the local hunt drink in your local pub, will you be able to bite your tongue then?

Would it be worth making an informal call to the local Police station to ask what problems there are in the area? I did this once when I was considering moving to a semi-rural town. They were able to reassure me that the part of town I was considering was the 'nicer' side of town but that there was a big drug problem (probably due to boredom on the part of the local teenagers who didn't have too much else to do.)

If you really, really want a garden have you considered a ground floor flat in a more expensive area that you like?

Somerset

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

Have you any idea just how far those savings of mine are going to have to stretch already for me to have managed financially to retire at my retirement age and that, obviously (as with anyone) there will have to still be some there once I get older myself (ie in case I need to pay for help)?

I've kept out of this thread so far.

You should make the move because you want to, desperately. It's selfish yes, but someone's life will be damaged - either your mother's or your's. There appear's to be no middle-ground, either you stay and are miserable/depressed/feel you have no life .... or.... you get what you want/need and mother/parent's are isolated/adrift.

The question about travelling costs is a joke and it's no wonder you got the responses you did. Get off your high horse with the ''Have you read my earlier posts'''' Have you understood'''' Have you any idea'' etc.

Frankly - I think I have been quite polite in the way I expressed my reply to
this...I could have been a heck of a lot blunter in my reply but I chose "to be
the better person" and stay polite

Frankly, you are taking the !!!! thinking there should be some 'freebie' to pay for you to visit your own parents. So you're short of cash - join the club. That's life - choices - you've made the choice to leave, so choose to visit or not, but put your hand in your own pocket when you make that choice.

poet123

I get the impression that you have been a bit of a social warrior for the area you live in currently. Reporting graffiti, Fly tipping, possibly even people, to address what you consider to be anti social behaviour in your area and yet it is still going down. There is nothing at all wrong with that, but it does add to the picture you have given on here.

Caring is hard work and not everyone is cut out for it, there is no doubt about that. I don't think that I am particularly, especially personal care. However, it does not have to be all or nothing, you can still do your bit and set up other care to provide a fuller package.

Put simply, you don't want to be personally involved and that is your right. You do come across as someone who has a lot of regrets about how her life has panned out ( and perhaps a little jealous that your brother seems to have made different choices or had more opportunities) and now you seem to be stamping your feet and cutting all the ties that you feel have held you back.

I think that moving to an area you have never visited is madness, I think that expecting elderly parents never to be hospitalised is unlikely, I think that having done so expecting the taxpayer to fund trips back whilst you use your own money to fund your new choices is unfair. I think that if you are a certain type of person problems move with you and don't remain behind. I think that believing that you cannot change your life without making such a momentuous move is sad. You really don't need to throw the baby out with the bath water.

In your position I would be looking at finding a place a short distance away which would mean I could travel back in an emergency, or be on hand if really needed, but which precluded me from day to day care. You can construct your new life there just as easily as at the other side of the country. If you draw a circle on the map from where you are now and take each area and look for what you can afford and what would suit I am certain you will find something much closer to home if you want to......

I simply don't believe that you need so go far to find contentment, the distance is driven by your need to run, examine that need and see where the roots lie and address that issue in another way would be my advice.

HariboJunkie

I still wish you luck with your plans OP but I'm finding it increasingly difficult to empathise with you as your plans are so unlike what I would do in your situation. I'm not saying you are wrong but just that we are different...

I also remain concerned that you are being naive if you think you know an area simply by "walking" up and down some streets on google street view . Also please be careful about thinking that adopting the accent of the area you are moving to will endear you to the locals. I live in an town where half the population are "incomers", (I am one myself although I'm married to a local) and I really think that you are more likely to, at best, attract some very odd looks if you start speaking in a new accent and at worst seriously antagonise the locals.

I hope you find a resolution soon.