Just confirmed my family have planned my life for me

Poppy9

Bigmoney2 wrote: »

This is spot on in my view.

Its interesting that even in 2013, it still seems to be assumed (by the OP's parents and sibling) that its the (dutiful) daughter that will be the care giver if needed, and the son can have his own life and family.

I'd even bet that his job is considered more important than the OP's.

If you read this thread you will see that this is not the case. My OH (male!) was the "carer" for his parents for over 25 years. His sister moved and for the last few years of her mother's life couldn't even come home to visit, MIL had to go to her.

Sometimes the absent child is absent due to work commitments, it's not always due to trying to avoid looking out for ageing parents.

Spendless

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

Spendless

At least you and your mother are seeing things clearly and thinking and deciding on what you will do personally - rather than just being pushed into things by events.

:cool: Sort of. Following widowhood 13 years ago Nan moved to the town where my Mum had gone to live when she married.

Nan has out-lived her own generation, all her neices and newphews live elsewhere. She fell out with her son and his family who live in her old town around the time of my Grandads death and neither side has been in touch since. My 2 younger cousins were teenagers at the time, so unlikely to be helping out a Grandparent they lost touch with before they were adults even if they were re-conciled and my eldest cousin, I can't even trace, though it wouldn't surprise me to discover that he's either in prison or under a patio! That leaves my parents and me, since Nan also fell out with my sister a few years back and sis has washed her hands of her.The advantage me and Mum have is there's 2 of us to share the load.

Since being made redundant a year ago I have a job temping providing holiday cover for 1 firm, so I either don't work at all or work full days/weeks whilst Mum works every week but only part of it and can sometimes juggle her work round.

At the minute care is consigned to taking her to appointments and shopping. We've applied for a blue badge because it's becoming more and more difficult to park near enough to entrances, as she now also has mobility problems and so far we've been waiting around 4 weeks.

Shortly before Christmas, after Nan had upset my 9yo by accussing her of eating all her food and leaving her starving (she'd taken a biscuit!) I decided I needed a break from her and asked my hubby to step in taking her shopping for a few weeks. It is really hard when you are not at that stage, to guess when and what help is required other than some will be at some point.

SmallL

I hope to never be cared by my children, i have seen how difficult it is.

My aunt had to look after my nan for approx 8-10 years, due to declining mobility and dementia that was often severe enough to hospitalize her as she was a danger to herself.
My aunt had her husband helping for about 6 of those years, until he had a stroke that left him quite physically disabled, she now cared for both her husband and her mum.
Her husband then died about a year and a half after the stroke, leaving her to care for her mum on her own.
My nan (her mum) passed away about 8 months to a year later.

All that time i really admired her, she rarely left the house as my nan required around the clock care( for everything,washing,toileting etc), when she was caring for both my nan and uncle it must have been extremely hard for her.

I admire family carers, they don't get half the support they should for the work and effort they put in, both physically and mentally.

KxMx

Not forgetting if anyone has a relative providing the lions share of care for a mutual relative it's up to the rest of us to support them and provide help where needed.

My Aunt was the primary carer for Grandad but she knew if she needed anything to ask one of us and we would be there, didn't have to worry about not going on holiday, because although the rest of us may have had difficulties they would be put on hold so Aunt could enjoy well deserved respite.

Living 20 minutes away with no car we for example saved up 3x taxi fares for an emergency if needs be, if she was away on holiday we would pick that Saturday specifically to visit (as we did anyway semi-regularly) and do anything that was needed. Periodic, repeated offers of "if you need me to do anything" were also made.

Savvy_Sue

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

Yep..I heard the shrieks of horror at going to an area I've never been to so far.:rotfl:It's astonishing how well it's possible to check out an area on the Internet these days and I've had a lot of "virtual walks" round the area and "drives" in the surroundings by now and compiled a checklist of must-have facilities/shops and been surprised to find just how many would-likes are also there. For a much smaller place than I am used to it's been surprising to discover JUST how much there is there of the social type stuff I want. I've done a lot of "driving" round various locations in the vicinity to check them out and already ruled out the one I initially thought of as "That feels too 'cold' to me - having a high proportion of Victorian buildings there feels oppressive to me personally and I can see what plans the powers-that-be will have for there in a few years time and I don't like them" and another got ruled out as "Feels like it will go too buzzy/too much traffic for me - that's part of what's wrong with my current location - ie it's way too buzzy and 'happening' and too much traffic".

I will be going there shortly for a fortnight's holiday and house hunt and spending a lot of time walking up and down those streets in actual fact that I've walked up and down "virtually" and checking out different times of day in the set of roads I have pinpointed as "Where my house probably is located".

I'm sure you can check an area out online to a certain extent, but there is no substitute for 'walking the streets' at various times of day.

Plus you never know how friendly (or otherwise!) the locals will be to 'incomers' until you get there. We moved from a small town to a large city and I'd say the city is friendlier on one level. However parts of it are quite 'tribal', with families who've lived there for several generations, and they're not always friendly to those who haven't.

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

Will be bearing in mind that in my current area some of the Council housing in this mixed area (ahem...rather a LOT of the Council housing in this area) has been used as a dumping ground by the Council for "problem people" (in common with all our public sector housing here).

Actually, it's now so difficult to get Council housing that the 'problem people' as you describe them are probably becoming an larger % of the tenants. And you will find 'problem people' wherever you go: in small towns, in the countryside. In some ways the problems are harder to deal with too: there are fewer facilities, less to do, transport not available etc.

Savvy_Sue

Oh, and the 'guilt' thing wrt moving so far away: you end up running backwards and forwards anyway, because you can't not (IMO) if an Aged Parent is hospitalised. Just that having moved away, the running backwards and forwards is more difficult.

I normally live c. 70 miles from my parents. When Dad was in hospital, it was 80 miles. I went on a UK holiday while he was ill, 160 miles. I visited him on alternate days while I was away, and wouldn't have wanted to do that for more than a week. Those of my siblings who lived less than 100 miles away found it much easier to visit than the further flung ones, but they were still coming at least weekly!

wannabe_sybil

OP - not really for you as I assume that you have a good idea, but as a note to others reading this thread, sort of for information on a topic.

My great aunt moved to the country, to an area which she knew quite well, and was known (sort of village where the vicar is still 'the new vicar' after forty years). One of the things that made it stressful for her was the druggies. Seriously.

For anyone moving to somewhere less known it is worth checking out things like crime maps. There is a lot of unemployment and deprivation in some (not all!) rural areas. And there is rural and rural. I can see farms and farmland from the bedroom windows, but my area postcode is one which gets EU funding due to social problems and poverty, and is definitely urban.

My grandfather did the same relocation and was fine. It varies from place to place and person to person. It can work out, really well. Moneyistooshorttomention seems really clear sighted and realistic about what the possibilities and pitfalls are. I think that is the key when it comes to both the care of relatives and relocation.

moneyistooshorttomention

SmallL wrote: »

I admire family carers, they don't get half the support they should for the work and effort they put in, both physically and mentally.

That is very true.

At least there is a Carers Allowance (though don't know how many people get it...) - but I recall thinking just how low it is for all that some of them do and nothing remotely like the level it needs to be pay to cover the fact that some people have given up part or all of a job to be a carer and thus lost income (and possibly pension on from that they would have expected in retirement).

Though, I would imagine the main need for a lot is respite care of one description or another - I would imagine it would be a blessed relief to some to just know they could have a few hours a week to "go and do their own thing" and the chance of even a couple of decent nights sleep a week would help a lot.

My friend who is now a widow of a dementia sufferer managed to hang onto doing her (full-time) job - but it was a struggle for her and part of why I fully agreed with her decision in the end to put him in a home latterly, as I could see she couldnt afford to even cut her job to part-time and would suffer financially for the rest of her life if she had done so.

She is only now trying to get her own life properly back on track. As I estimated she would she has taken time for a Recovery Period, but now is getting her own life back together again. I wouldnt be surprised if a lot of carers never do get their own life fully back on track later on when released from this - they only get part of their own life back or maybe none at all of it back - as they've just lost their contacts/lost their energy to "try again"/etc. My friend is a very practical/calm/"unemotional" sort of person - so I knew she was strong enough to be able to work out what her own life actually is and then start working on getting it back again once she was free. She is now dieting off the excess weight she accummulated during that period/I'm still encouraging to take up going back to her church again - and hopeful she'll do that and she is following my plans to move elsewhere with interest and I wouldnt be that surprised if she follows me and I end up with her as a neighbour at some point.

WANNABEE SYBIL
The place I have chosen is a mixture of locals and incomers. I have a friendly contact (incomer themselves) there already - who I think sounds alike enough that they might be a potential friend. On the other hand - besides "friendly contact" and possible "imported neighbour" I certainly have every intention of trying my best to blend in and get accepted by the locals and I respect that it is "their area" - so my responsibility to try to blend in and adapt to them. I'm not expecting my sophisticated city tastes to be it and thats it...more "stick yer walking shoes and wellies on and get on with whats there" idea. I've seen this from the other end of that and most of my friends are incomers actually and I'm the "local". I've noticed that people vary as to whether they do or don't keep their own accent - some still have theirs decades later. Fortunately in this case I don't have my own accent - but can quickly pick up other peoples accents and start sounding like them just by osmosis (one American friend I had for a while resulted in some new people asking me if I was American when they met me..) - so won't be attempting to stop myself doing so. If I'm a voice-alike by a couple of years in and have lost my own "neutral" voice then thats fine by me and should help me blend in.

moneyistooshorttomention

Re the hospital visiting from afar - my fathers own personal decision (after a pretty disastrous last experience in one) is that he will never go into a hospital again except for tests and the like. So no hospital visiting is likely there.

When I go on holiday/househunting trip/s my brother is just going to be told that I simply won't be available for x number of days and uncontactable - but HE will be. If there are hospital visits to my mother after I have moved then it would be possible to stay in my parents' house (as she wouldnt actually be there and us getting on each others nerves and my father and I are okay together without doing so). My father would just fall asleep and I would read my Kindle/surf the web on my Ipad/chat to any neighbours hanging around that wanted a chat. I have my doubts as to whether my mother would ever let anyone get her in hospital again either actually - after a couple of recent disastrous episodes with hospitals - so hospital visiting might not arise again there either.

Time for rest of breakfast and wondering how fast the plan neighbour and I have hatched for my mother re her taking on a little paid help without realising that they had been "put in her way" works. Knowing her neighbour, I suspect it will be within the week that this person just "happens" to turn up in the vicinity LOL.

Thinks: wonders if there is any financial help available for train costs if there were more than 1 or 2 "extra" visits back here - as I am only going to be on part pension for some while till my State Pension Age and my savings will be taking a heck of a bashing as it is making up the shortfall till then, as well as actually being "savings" and being "money to get work done on new house - bet there will be some of that".?? (If anyone knows if there is any financial help towards transport costs back to visit an ill relative I'd be pleased of a PM on that - as I am on a pension that is so low till my SPA that I'll be lucky if there's anything left after bills/weekly living).

Pitlanepiglet

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

Re the hospital visiting from afar - my fathers own personal decision (after a pretty disastrous last experience in one) is that he will never go into a hospital again except for tests and the like. So no hospital visiting is likely there.

You know life doesn't always work as you want it to?

If your father is unwell it will be very difficult to avoid a hospital admission - at 3am during a crisis the paramedics are going to need some persuasion to leave him at home with only your mother to care for him.

Respite care is almost impossible to find in most areas and of varying quality, my uncle has been paraplegic since his 30's, my aunt has cared for him and her family ever since, she gave up on in patient respite care when he came home with more problems than he went in with each time and the final straw of him being dropped because they didn't listen to her instructions about how he needed to be put on the hoist (because of his specific disabilities). She now struggles to get community nurse care to cover the gaps when she wants to go away for a day.

Good luck with everything, you've clearly made your mind up that you can solve all the problems, I genuinely don't think that you understand the realities of the issues but I really hope you find happiness.