Just confirmed my family have planned my life for me

Hermia

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

Re the hospital visiting from afar - my fathers own personal decision (after a pretty disastrous last experience in one) is that he will never go into a hospital again except for tests and the like. So no hospital visiting is likely there.

My parents and grandparents all spent their final weeks/months in hospital and none of them would have gone by choice. A lot of conditions just cannot be treated at home. My father spent the last six months of his life in and out of hospital (with cancer) and there was no other choice due to the range of problems he had. Towards the end your father may be in terrible pain or be a danger to himself. You cannot make the assumption that he won't end up in a hospital.

Errata

Perhaps the father doesn't want to go to hospital, but if he's unable to state this when the paramedics or GP rock up, he won't have any say in the matter.

moneyistooshorttomention

Believe me - neither of my parents are "weak-willed". They have both proved time and again that they will do/or not do exactly what THEY decide personally.

They are both perfectly capable of deciding to barricade themselves into their house (yep..literally) if they had decided they simply werent going to be "rescued". Where do you think I get that from?:rotfl:

They arent much good - either of them - at asking for help they need. But, believe me, they are one heck of a good at making sure they don't get help imposed on them that they don't want...:cool: and I am determined to say (even if its at the end of a phone) that they are to have/or not have exactly whatever it is they want and they will be the ones making the decision.

As for situations causing me stress personally - well...try for "between Devil and Deep Blue Sea" (ie heads I lose, tails I don't win) hence the going round in circles trying to make sure they are okay and I am okay too.

One other thing that strikes me here is I can spot that different backgrounds/different cultures would appear to be making a difference to peoples responses. There are a lot of people around who think automatically in the context of the culture and background they are used to and then make decisions/form opinions based on that. Those who try to look at things totally objectively are rare - and thoroughly appreciated. I think its relevant to remember here that most of the people I know are incomers and most of the time the reason for that is that they are "career people" and/or people who have always planned/expected to "have lives of their own" and, if you are going to judge, then judge me by my peer group and not your own.

iaps

If liberty means anything at all, it means the right to tell people what they do not want to hear.

George Orwell,1903-1950

johnswife

i posted about my Mum 95, we all muck in so she stays at home.
Just got back from the hospital, where we left her, after falling badly at home.
She didnt want to go, the hours we were waiting to be seen she still wanted to go home.
at 11pm she was so tired, she accepted it was the best place for her.
We are all in pieces at leaving her there and planning the visiting rota for tomorrow.
No one knows when they will have to be in hospital and sometimes even the strong willed independent ones have to accept the situation.
sorry if this doesnt make sense so so tired. But not eaten all day so just having tea and toast.

CH27

johnswife wrote: »

i posted about my Mum 95, we all muck in so she stays at home.
Just got back from the hospital, where we left her, after falling badly at home.
She didnt want to go, the hours we were waiting to be seen she still wanted to go home.
at 11pm she was so tired, she accepted it was the best place for her.
We are all in pieces at leaving her there and planning the visiting rota for tomorrow.
No one knows when they will have to be in hospital and sometimes even the strong willed independent ones have to accept the situation.
sorry if this doesnt make sense so so tired. But not eaten all day so just having tea and toast.

Hope she recovers quickly.

Bufger

I can see this is going to be us down the line. My wife is the eldest of 2. her mum had her and her brother and the dad left and was never around. The MIL has never had a boyfriend in 15 years to my wifes knowledge, she said she's ok on her own but shes had a low earning job, has no savings no assetts and no pension. We live close by currently but I can see that she will rely on us to support her in later years.

I've encouraged her to think about her pension, assets and what shes going to do but I cant see any kind of plan for the future.

poet123

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

One other thing that strikes me here is I can spot that different backgrounds/different cultures would appear to be making a difference to peoples responses. There are a lot of people around who think automatically in the context of the culture and background they are used to and then make decisions/form opinions based on that. Those who try to look at things totally objectively are rare - and thoroughly appreciated. I think its relevant to remember here that most of the people I know are incomers and most of the time the reason for that is that they are "career people" and/or people who have always planned/expected to "have lives of their own" and, if you are going to judge, then judge me by my peer group and not your own.

I think that to some extent we areall a product of our background. However, I think you are trying to justify your own actions here by assuming or stating that all those who would act differently are not career minded or content to stay at home and have no life.


Certainly that doesn’t apply to me, nor I suspect to a good proportion of those who have stated they would not do what you are contemplating. Nor do I think you are necessarily being “judged” but if you are,you are mistaken if you think it is not by your peer group.

rosered1963

poet123 wrote: »

I think that to some extent we areall a product of our background. However, I think you are trying to justify your own actions here by assuming or stating that all those who would act differently are not career minded or content to stay at home and have no life.


Certainly that doesn’t apply to me, nor I suspect to a good proportion of those who have stated they would not do what you are contemplating. Nor do I think you are necessarily being “judged” but if you are,you are mistaken if you think it is not by your peer group.

It doesn't apply to me either. I don't think people should automatically be carers for their parents, but, when you look at what the alternative for them will be in my case, I cannot walk away. I would also like ideally for my life to be completely my own to do what I want with, but my parents gave me life and have always been there for me - always, and now it's my turn - give and take. I would never walk away from anyone in need, whether I was related to them or not. What goes around comes around.

As for not wanting to go into hospital. All old people say that, but that's where most of them end up, and someone has to make sure they are clean, hydrated and fed, because in many hospitals that does not happen in my personal experience. So that's my culture and attitudes.

Pitlanepiglet

So patronising :rotfl: those of us who think it's nice to care for our parents (and relatives) are all, poor creatures to be pitied, we are all underachieving stay at homes who are happy simply to bake bread all day!

Actually so some extent my husband is that person, he is the main carer for both my father and his mother and he bakes great bread - he's the youngest of four children but that doesn't fit the other stereotype does it! :rotfl: I'm the breadwinner for our family - he stays home and does the chores and I earn the money....hmm another stereotype blown away