Real-life MMD: Should we share private financial info with mother-in-law for sake of

robpw2

i would say you need to be honest with yourselfs, the reason you don't want to share is that its so bad and you feel your going to be judged ... she is offering to help and maybe she will be able to offer more then just money ... the problem with lending money is that you will never learn , you will end up in a similar or worse state .. i feel she is wanting to try and see if she can offer support elsewhere ... if you cannot be honest with her then try posting in the debt free wannabe board and those lovely folk will help with ways to save and how to snowball etc

MalcBridge

Go for it. The bank will want to know at least as much - and will probably mis-use the information to boot.

pheonix254

In my mind, the first thing I ever do whenever I lend money is due diligence - i.e. Is it sensible to lend? Am I likely to get it back? How much am I willing to lose over this? If it's a few tens of pounds, then I'm not going to spend very long on this. If it's a few grand, then I'm damn sure that I don't want to be "wasting" it, and I'd be asking the same questions. It's important to know that, at least in my mind, this is a completely impersonal question. Whilst I'm likely to go the extra mile for family, it is still primarily a financial matter, and not a matter of family "trust." Family and finances are different things, particularly in our culture. If it's husband and wife, then trust is probably enough, any further afield than that, then trust shouldn't come into it, as far as I'm concerned.

So, if it was a substantial amount of money, then yes, I would definitely want to see your major income and outgoings. These don't have to be detailed (I wouldn't be interested in every transaction but would like to see monthly entertainment spend just to check it isn't massively out of proportion, for instance) but they do need to be accurate - but it will immediately tell me if there is something which is causing the financial trouble. If it's a run of bad luck, which is getting worse (as these things do with the current financial system - fines causing fines ad infinitum) and just needs a cash injection to stablise, then fine - I wouldn't pry any further - that gives me the confidence that this money is useful to you, and that there is a fair chance of me getting something back as well as helping you out in your time of need. That said, if there is an elephant in the room in your finances which is obviously something, which on reflection, you cannot afford, and a cash injection is just going to be used up paying for it, then I'm not going to be lending you money, as it doesn't help me, it doesn't help you, and the underlying problem won't be solved - it'll just give you breathing room, and very expensive breathing room at that.

So that would be my thoughts on a completely reasonable request to see your finances - you're in difficulty, and you believe an injection of cash will solve your problems. I just want to double check your calculations, and I believe that is a fair request, seeing as it is my money you're going to use.

That said, the nightmare "mother-in-law" scenario could also happen. I don't personally have one as I'm single, but for instance, I'd willingly accept a loan off one set of my grandparents, but definitely not the other as I'd never hear the end of it. You have to be the judge of this - is she going to nose around and judge you for every little insignificant little spend you make? is she a fan of micromanagement? do you disagree on most things when it comes to what you spend money on? If the answer is yes to any of these questions, then I might be going for the bank loan - the price of earache for an interest free loan from a highly intrusive mother-in-law is probably more expensive than the interest from the bank.

It's a favour from her - what does she want from it? A reason to pry? or just to help you and your husband out in a time of difficulty? As they say, nothing in life is free, but some people will pay for satisfaction of helping others out. Is the MIL the former or the latter?

snowleopard61

I'm surprised how many people above say, in essence, 'The bank will also want to know all your private information, and they'll charge interest too, so it's obvious you should borrow from your mother-in-law instead'. To me there's the world of difference between a large organisation knowing the detail of my finances, and a family member doing so, especially an in-law.

Certainly the OP's mother-in-law is perfectly entitled to make this condition, but if I were the OP I wouldn't want to accept the money, because I can just imagine all my future spending choices being scrutinised as mentioned by a poster above. The bank won't have that level of awareness, only an interest in getting the money (and the interest!) back.

As an aside, it doesn't follow that everyone who borrows money more than once is extravagant, as implied by some posters above. I have done so (from a bank, not an individual) not because I was silly with money but because first time round I was extremely cautious in how much I borrowed, second time round (having decided I could afford it with difficulty) I wanted to make it possible for my two children to have separate bedrooms - if I had saved up in advance they would have been grown and left home by the time they had them!

purpleweasel

There are two aspects to this dilemma as i see it, and either way the first thing to do is to sit down and go through your finances.

Firstly, why you need it. If you are having trouble getting by day-to-day a loan surely isn't the way out. You will have the repayments to find on top of all your everyday outgoings (even if it is interest-free!). Cutting back can be unpleasant but it is the long-term way to win, and can even lead to a feeling of pride and satisfaction when you find you can manage on less, as many of the people in this forum will testify!

If it's for a one-off, is there no way you could wait and save for it instead? Either way, if you do decide to go for the loan you will be able to demonstrate how & when you will be able to repay.

The second part is the relationship. If you do decide to borrow from a friend or relative please please make sure you stick to your agreement and repay faithfully (set up a standing order if you can). Think carefully whether you can risk your relationship with your mother-in-law over debt.

Try not to rush into anything, talk it over with your husband, and good luck!

chris40

In such a situation one can only comment fairly if one knows the relative wealth of both parties. Assuming that the loan is for daily living costs then its quite likely that the mother will be depriving herself of cash and flexibility that she herself could use. Maybe the son should think about her ability to finance him.
Or is she so well off that the loan is insignificant to her well being. In that case maybe they should do some inheritance planning!

WendellG

Maybe it's just me, but if I was the MIL and had some money that could help my struggling children I'd give it to them - with no strings attached.

That's what my parents did for me, and what I'd happily do for my kids.

martha11111

If you ain't got the cash - don't buy it (or borrow it!)

bye_bye_band_G

Try substituting in the word 'father' for 'mother-in-law' in the original question, and see if that changes the idea that the lender is being nosey or controlling, for an impression that perhaps the lender is being wise or giving good advice.
The phrase 'mother-in-law' does have dreadful associations, popularised by every stand up comedian for decades!
Whereas our own dads are usually respected for their experience.
It's all wrong of course, but my own guess is that some of these replies would be different if the lender were the OP's dad. And they shouldn't be.

berkshire71

Hello and hope this helps. I was in exactly the same situation as you. We provided all our details to MIL and short term it was good as debts were cleared. In time, however, she became more and more controlling. Only you can best decide what sort of person she is. Mine actually said to me once, "Well, you will have to come and see me more now won't you?!" It got very nasty and if I ever bought something new, she would make comments about how could we afford it (trust me we weren't buying anything more than essentials.)
It was hell. At the time, I had entrusted my then husband with the running (or not) of our finances and he got us into terrible debts.
I have been single for four years now and within a week of him leaving the family, I went to the Citizens advice who were fabulous. They contacted all the people who were owed money (credit cards, mortgage, council tax you name it, the gas board even had a warrant to enter the house to cut us off). I set up payment plans, and now four years later have reduced the debt massively. The CAB would be your best bet truly. Don't borrow more money to pay off debts without speaking to them and getting proper advice and help. Go down with all the information/paperwork and make a proper appointment. You will feel like a tremendous weight has been lifted off your shoulders and dealing with it properly.
Your MIL may be a genuinely lovely person wanting to help, but in my experience, borrowing from friends and family can often lead to upset and fallouts.
Good luck - don't be afraid of your debt, there are lots of organisations out there to help you get it sorted. Up to you, but I personally would try and and sort it properly and start living according to a strict budget to avoid problems in the future.