meeting husbands female friend!

Zoetoes

3 yrs ago OH was in a different job to the one he's in now, a girl I grew up with & was good friends with started working there. They got chatting as she knew me etc. They often went for lunch together etc, no problem to me.

Then after a while I got a niggly feeling about it, little things started to bother me such as one morning I was running late getting the kids ready for school & asked OH to help get littlest ready as he had plenty of time before he needed to leave for work but he said he had to go in early, he'd actually arranged to meet her for breakfast.

A few of us went to the Grand National, she came too, all seemed ok, she asked me to go the loo with her which I did as women do, when I came back out she'd gone so I went back to our group & my OH was missing aswell, with her, I thought she seemed to get back quick before me & they'd both gone to put bets on apparently, fine, not much I could moan about.

Eventually I was totally uncomfortable with the amount of time they were spending together & told my OH I would like him to see less of her but still seen them in the car together after yet another lunch.

Now these little niggles together with the change in my partner were enough for me to feel unhappy, in the end I asked him not to see her out of work anymore at all & no texts etc either which might sound ridiculous to you.

He did as I asked.

Now he is in another job, works with mainly women, he had to go with one of them to stay at a hotel for a few days for work, I was fine with this, he also had a day at the races with her to meet up with clients, I was fine with this too, they text each other jokes etc, not a problem.

It all depends on the circumstances, contexts & topics etc.

Zoetoes

Could the OP give us an idea of what 'flirty texts' are??

vik6525

Alright you crazy kids!!! my mate (lets call him stuart...) is asleep on my lap at the moment cause hes really drunk... hes got a wife, and 3 bloody fantastic kids... ive rung her to say hes kipping here (he couldnt move if he tried!!).... Am I some rubbish, slattern old tramp? Or am i just his mate???

MATH

vik6525 wrote: »

Alright you crazy kids!!! my mate (lets call him stuart...) is asleep on my lap at the moment cause hes really drunk... hes got a wife, and 3 bloody fantastic kids... ive rung her to say hes kipping here (he couldnt move if he tried!!).... Am I some rubbish, slattern old tramp? Or am i just his mate???

If your friend's wife is happy with the situation then you are a good friend. If however, your friendship in anyway makes her feel uncomfortable or threatened then you are a problem in that marriage.

Remember a marriage is an exclusive relationship, part of the marriage vows are 'to forsake all others and to cleave to each other', if you enter this relationship as a third person you need the acceptance and invitation of both parties or you have no business being there.
Even if both parties have you as a friend you are not 'part of' the marriage but a friend/3 person, there will always be parts of this relationship that you have no right to intrude into. Hence the long discussions on the thread of where the boundary line is, this will change couple to couple but when one partner considers you hve crossed it, then you have crossed it.

lynzpower

Hence the long discussions on the thread of where the boundary line is, this will change couple to couple but when one partner considers you hve crossed it, then you have crossed it.

Math, as ever, wise words.

This is really the top & bottom of it. i have a freind who I used to work with, and he texted me out of the blue the other day, I was pleased ot hear from him ( it was a bit flirty going like "hello gorgous, long time, how are you, havent heard from u in ages, lets go and get drunk love you"

NOw I told OH, and said I wouldnt mind catching up for a pint with him, and that I would go. OH said he was worried about the tone of the text, he thinks this guy fancies me, and i siad nah, he said well he tried to kiss you that time. I said yeah but that was 3 years ago. Telingly he said, "blokes dont let this stuff drop, he will want another crack at you" and I said "well he can try his luck if he wants he'll get nowhere" AND I MEAN IT.

Interestingly I texted my mate back nad said yeah lifes good we moved to new house really happy, are you still at ( old workplace) whats new, lets meet for a beer" and I did not get another text back. My gut feeling is that the guy lost interest once he knew I was still with OH. Grudgingly I think my OH was right on this point, the lad was possibly trying to flirt with me.

Its one thing to RECIEVE a flirty text from someone outside of the relationship - after all you cannot legislate for other peoples behaviour- but if I had flirted back- I expect my relationship would be game over.

Why SHOULD you trust someone who is openly doing somethng to undermine the respect and the vows you have made? trust should be earned not dished out indiscriminately.

OPs hubby has done something to remoive that trust- adn that really is the point here, she feels insecure- why is this her fault- when he is bringing another woman into the family home thats he has been flirting with???

magentadreamer

As others have said it's about what are acceptable boundaries in a relationship, for some people one thing works for others another works. If the OP is unhapppy about the situation then she should speak out.

I can see it from both sides of the coin, I have a friendship with someone who I meet online several years ago, we've met on numerous occassions as part of a bigger group, I know everything practically about his life and vice versa. Yes we've passed the odd flirty remark via text or email but I would hate for any woman in his life to feel threatened by me. Every time he finds a new woman I always ask Can I dust down the hat now? I want him to be happy. He's a good mate nothing more and never will be.

From the other side I also know how gut wrenching it can be to wonder if something is as innocent as it would appear. My Ex had what I believed to be a similar friendship. I was led to believe that it was just the odd flirty text/email etc and the fool I was believed him.

All I can say to the OP is talk to your OH about it.

trigger2

I wonder how it went last night for Kerry, fingers crossed all's ok

Rachie_B

I've been thinking about her since I first read this thread

what a horrible situation

((hugs)) Kerry

POSSETTE

MY best mate is a man..i work with 3 blokes,and the one i get on with the most is brill..we have some good discussions. We have all met up with our hubby/wife and we have even been to Paris ,Venice, and Las Vegas together over the last 4-5years.
I HATE jealousy when you have NO proof of anything, wait and see how it goes.I am 38 hubby is 45 my mate is 52 and wife 46..they do tease us at work but its all light hearted..Even his wife calls me his WORKWIFE!!.i call her homewife...Chill out luv!!

Rachie_B

I think its more than fact that they have never met in any capacity up until now,
and the first he wants to invite her over is on her own?! not in a group scenario but a private FAMILY bbq ??