Grandparents looking after grandchildren

kettlefish

It is probably FILs way of trying to emulate the upbringing his kids had, as in - a home environment as opposed to nursery. As FIL in the one "insisting" re the childcare, I can only assume he is of the old fashioned nature that kind of disagrees with the mums working, given that his wife was a SAHM and it can often be the way that generation feel (not always, just often!)He probably hasn't really thought about the advancing age of him and MIL / all the driving / the hard work for MIL (as you say she does most of the hands on care.)

In this situation, I would probably speak to MIL and express my surprise at their decision - a few "blimey, you're brave - FIVE under 3?!" As it is her doing much of the hands on care, you might well find she's not that up for the challenge either and is relieved to have someone to admit this to! I know it's a very roundabout way of doing it, but at least then she can work on her husband and hopefully diffuse the situation. I do appreciate that other posters are saying not to get involved, but it sounds like your position in the family is an ideal angle to come at this from.

purple.sarah

The parents involved need to stop acting like children, stand up to the grandparents and decide their own childcare arrangements! Trust me, if you try to intercede with the in-laws, you will be seen as interfering.

Tiddlywinks

notanewuser wrote: »

But now all 3 of the brothers up there are expecting next year - 1 in January, 1 in March and 1 in June. My SIL's relatives have said that they won't look after 2 under 2, leaving them stuck.

DH's parents (62 and 60) are insisting on having all of the children full time. Assuming each of the mums has 6 months off that will leave them with a 24 month old, a 20 month old, a 6 month old, then 2 months later another 6 month old, and then 2 months later another 6 month old, and travelling 150 miles/3 hours each day doing pick ups and drop offs.

This seems utterly ridiculous to me, and at least one SIL is very unhappy about it but feels that she'll have to go along with it at least part time as its the only way her 2 will see one set of grandparents as the other SIL will go back full time and so her 2 will be looked after full time. They don't want anybody using childminders or nurseries.

notanewuser wrote: »

Pretty sure 2 out of 3 of them won't qualify for any tax credits because their income will be too high (even if the mums don't go back full time). Think that's part of the issue.

Look... this isn't a 'police state' - if those parent don't want to sent the kids to grandparents for childcare then they all do have a choice.

Am I the only one that feels that their decision to just comply (whilst appearing to grumble about it) is more motivated by cheap (free) childcare than looking at shelling out for a 'formal' solution to the problem?

A mother will normally pull out all the stops to protect her child (if she really wants to)... if the mums go along with it then that speaks volumes.

Either way, OP, this is not your problem and if you join in the discussions then your views will be remembered forever... want to live with that fall-out for all of time?

glitter_fairy

First off I think its lovely they want to help.

Things like this used to be a lot more common, well the having all the grandchildren, not the travelling.

At times my grandparents had 11 of us, but they tended to be teacher training days not all the time.

Maybe suggest to your SILs that they split the week, if they dont want non family looking after their children (I get this I was the same) maybe they need to look at working part time.

Sounds like the GP just want to help so I would suggest its put to them as it would be nice for them to have quality time with each set of children, and they will beable to do more etc.

mysk_girl

notanewuser wrote: »

Pretty sure 2 out of 3 of them won't qualify for any tax credits because their income will be too high (even if the mums don't go back full time). Think that's part of the issue.

Have they looked into childcare vouchers via salary sacrifice? OH and I do this and save about £140 per month as you don't pay tax/NI on the value of the vouchers. We don't qualify for tax credits either.

notanewuser

glitter_fairy wrote: »

First off I think its lovely they want to help.

Things like this used to be a lot more common, well the having all the grandchildren, not the travelling.

At times my grandparents had 11 of us, but they tended to be teacher training days not all the time.

Maybe suggest to your SILs that they split the week, if they dont want non family looking after their children (I get this I was the same) maybe they need to look at working part time.

Sounds like the GP just want to help so I would suggest its put to them as it would be nice for them to have quality time with each set of children, and they will beable to do more etc.

Teacher training days implies you were all over 5, which is a bit of a different situation.

I know the one SIL's employer won't let her go part time as she asked last time. She's built her career and I can understand her not wanting to be forced out, but at the same time they've been abroad 4 times this year and have spent tens of thousands on their house. I think she's very attached to the lifestyle that having free childcare brings.

The other SIL is thinking that she'll have no choice but to go part time. We both thought the other would as well and they'd be able to coordinate days.

The third SIL is in and out of jobs every couple of weeks, so I don't know how that's going to turn out!!

notanewuser

mysk_girl wrote: »

Have they looked into childcare vouchers via salary sacrifice? OH and I do this and save about £140 per month as you don't pay tax/NI on the value of the vouchers. We don't qualify for tax credits either.

Have sent them info, but to be honest I don't think they really want to pay for childcare if they can help it.

glitter_fairy

notanewuser wrote: »

Teacher training days implies you were all over 5, which is a bit of a different situation.

I know the one SIL's employer won't let her go part time as she asked last time. She's built her career and I can understand her not wanting to be forced out, but at the same time they've been abroad 4 times this year and have spent tens of thousands on their house. I think she's very attached to the lifestyle that having free childcare brings.

The other SIL is thinking that she'll have no choice but to go part time. We both thought the other would as well and they'd be able to coordinate days.

The third SIL is in and out of jobs every couple of weeks, so I don't know how that's going to turn out!!

We ranged from 6 months to 8 I think but it was the odd day not an all the time

Maybe the best thing to do is let them get on with it and see how it goes.

jellyhead

At a toddler group I help out at there's a set of grandparents who have up to 4 grandchildren in their care and they manage fine, but as we were saying last week it depends on how much space you have they have a lot) and how much energy! I wouldn't want to do it myself, and I'm only 40!

I wouldn't want my child spending so long in a car seat, and if there aren't 5 cots then are they also napping in car seats? How will they take all of these children to the park? Will they be able to take them to feed the ducks, take them swimming etc? A minibus won't solve the problem of getting out and about in those situations where some of them will need a buggy.

It's nice that the grandparents have offered, but why can't the parents send them to grandparents one day a week, for example, and sort out their own childcare for the other days to minimise the amount of time their babies spend in car seats?

And if these parents are too browbeaten to voice their opinions on the care of their own children that would worry me because I'd want my child to grow up confident and secure, and are these grandparents going to allow that?

notanewuser

jellyhead wrote: »

At a toddler group I help out at there's a set of grandparents who have up to 4 grandchildren in their care and they manage fine, but as we were saying last week it depends on how much space you have they have a lot) and how much energy! I wouldn't want to do it myself, and I'm only 40!

I wouldn't want my child spending so long in a car seat, and if there aren't 5 cots then are they also napping in car seats? How will they take all of these children to the park? Will they be able to take them to feed the ducks, take them swimming etc? A minibus won't solve the problem of getting out and about in those situations where some of them will need a buggy.

It's nice that the grandparents have offered, but why can't the parents send them to grandparents one day a week, for example, and sort out their own childcare for the other days to minimise the amount of time their babies spend in car seats?

And if these parents are too browbeaten to voice their opinions on the care of their own children that would worry me because I'd want my child to grow up confident and secure, and are these grandparents going to allow that?

They'll all sleep in prams/buggies. DH's parents don't take either child to any play groups or swimming etc. (My 16 month old niece had never seen bubbles before my daughter's birthday party!!). I don't think there are any parks near them but they do walk them to the shops at nap time.

FIL hasn't much experience of childcare at all - he has, I believe, changed 2 nappies in the past 37 years. He wants them all walking at 8 months, talking at 12 and potty trained by 18 months else he thinks they are "behind". I seriously question whether his memories of his own 4 sons' infanthood are in any way accurate at all.

Both toddlers will sit on the floor and play with whatever they are given - whereas my daughter is a climbing, exploring monkey (and has always been). FIL thinks our daughter is a "child genius" because she does things the others aren't encouraged or allowed to think about doing. It saddens me, to be honest.

You're right that the others need to come to a solution themselves. But I can't help but worry what might happen if they attempt this harebrained scheme.