Grandparents looking after grandchildren

notanewuser

Grateful for opinions on this, please as the situation is spiralling.

OH is one of 4 brothers. The family live around 300 miles from us. DH's parents live at a point with each of the other brothers living 45-60 minutes away in different directions.

Our LO was born late 2010. Within a year, 2 babies were born to 2 of the other brothers (4 months apart) with a 90 minute drive between them and DH's parents in the middle. When my SILs returned to work, DH's parents insisted on providing full time childcare to one and 2 days a week to the other (as other family have that child on the other days). So far so good.

But now all 3 of the brothers up there are expecting next year - 1 in January, 1 in March and 1 in June. My SIL's relatives have said that they won't look after 2 under 2, leaving them stuck.

DH's parents (62 and 60) are insisting on having all of the children full time. Assuming each of the mums has 6 months off that will leave them with a 24 month old, a 20 month old, a 6 month old, then 2 months later another 6 month old, and then 2 months later another 6 month old, and travelling 150 miles/3 hours each day doing pick ups and drop offs.

This seems utterly ridiculous to me, and at least one SIL is very unhappy about it but feels that she'll have to go along with it at least part time as its the only way her 2 will see one set of grandparents as the other SIL will go back full time and so her 2 will be looked after full time. They don't want anybody using childminders or nurseries.

I cannot see any way that this could possibly work well for anybody. How on earth do we get this across to DH's parents?

whitewing

Could they club together and get a recently graduated nanny or mother's help to assist the grandparents? That way the grandparents are in charge but some of the lifting, carrying, playing is done by someone younger. Best of both worlds perhaps.

notanewuser

whitewing wrote: »

Could they club together and get a recently graduated nanny or mother's help to assist the grandparents? That way the grandparents are in charge but some of the lifting, carrying, playing is done by someone younger. Best of both worlds perhaps.

I thought of that but DH's parents are very stubborn. They had 4 boys in 8 years (30 years ago!!) and think this is the same!!!

Their house is tiny and I don't know how to make them see that none of what they are proposing is safe!!! DH's mum also looks after her elderly parents as and when she can - and they aren't going to become less needy.

heretolearn_2

My advice is to keep out of it.

Not your kids. Not your mum and dad.

This has every chance of blowing up at some point, or someone being left unhappy at least, and you might find yourself in the position of blame for interfering/stirring things up.

Have to agree it sounds ridiculous. But if the kids parents won't stand up to the grandparents (who are assumably the 'they' who insist no child can go to a nursery), that's their lookout.

The only part I'd raise with anyone is how will grandparents fit that many car seats in their car?

newcook

I’d be inclined to tell them that its not their business if I use a childminder etc!!

Although Its very generous of the grandparents to offer childcare and I can see the benefits of great relationships bonding with grandparents and grandchild, 300 miles a day is a heck of a lot for a child to travel, let alone adults (and must end up being quite costly with petrol etc)!

I would probably arrange childcare closer to home/work and have regular trips to see grandparents at weekends.

notanewuser

heretolearn wrote: »

My advice is to keep out of it.

Not your kids. Not your mum and dad.

This has every chance of blowing up at some point, or someone being left unhappy at least, and you might find yourself in the position of blame for interfering/stirring things up.

Have to agree it sounds ridiculous. But if the kids parents won't stand up to the grandparents (who are assumably the 'they' who insist no child can go to a nursery), that's their lookout.

The only part I'd raise with anyone is how will grandparents fit that many car seats in their car?

FIL is looking at minibuses.

I didn't want any part in it, but one SIL has asked me to help. I've been married to their eldest son the longest, and as they make very little effort to see our daughter, I'm not emotionally as involved as the others. And I'm a "balls out" kind of girl where she'sore likely to get herself boxed into a corner.

warehouse

OP stay out of it as you've already stated they are stubborn. It simply won't work, and until they see that for themselves then they seem very unlikely to want to face facts.

If they do get a minibus they better make sure it has good air flow, as it's going to stink of unchanged nappies in no time!!

podperson

Tbh I would try not to be getting involved too much - this is bound to end in tears and if people are coming to you for 'advice' - and there going back to the in-laws going, oh well 'notanewuser' said you shouldn't be doing this then you're liable to end up as the bad guy! It sounds like your DH's brothers and partners need to grow a bit of a backbone and say if they don't want their parents taking on that much and their kids being trailed all over the place every day. Is it the parents or the grandparents who don't want nursery/childminders being used?
Could they perhaps compromise and say the kids go to the grandparents one or two days a week and nursery/childminder the rest of the time, possibly with the brothers doing alternate days so they don't have all the kids at once and only have to drive in one direction.

barbiedoll

Your SIL needs to man up and let her in-laws know that it's not their decision as to who provides the childcare, it is up to the parents!

Personally, I wouldn't leave one small child in the full-time care of a couple of 60-somethings, not necessarily because they couldn't cope but because they have had their share of bringing up kids and now is their time to do things for themselves. But I definitely wouldn't be leaving a load of toddlers there, even registered child-minders have legally imposed limits on the amount of small children that they can look after at any one time and for good reason.

I have to agree with the other posters though, it's nothing to do with you so don't get involved if you can possibly help it! :eek:

midnightraven3

i genuinely had to read the OP more than once to make sure i got it right

"DH's parents (62 and 60) are insisting on having all of the children full time"

and none of the parents have the backbone to say "no thank you, we have made our own arrangements"???

:eek:

i wouldnt want my children being driven around like that every day anyway
each of the parents who dont want this to happen need to voice their opinions, and soon
thats incredibly over bearing of the in laws

shelley_crow

i'd echo the sentiment to stay out of it, it could turn very nasty and you'll be the only voice of dissent among their wonderful plans. If Sil isn't happy with the plans then she needs to stiffen her spine and put the spanner in the works herself.

FWIW i would never allow it from what you have said. the in laws might have a rude awakening when presented with all 5 infants, I'm more than half their age and couldn't do it.