Grandparents looking after grandchildren

Fire_Fox

It's nothing to do with you, to be involved is essentially interfering in other people's parenting which you should not do unless you need to call in social services. It's irrelevant that you are the most outspoken, you aren't there to fight anyone's battles. The grandparents are massively outnumbered by the parents anyway if they just got together!

The sons need to deal with the grandparents. Surely all the relevant parents determined childcare arrangements before they decided to have more children? What other aspects of their lives are they going to let the grandparents dictate, or are you going to be asked to mediate every time?

notanewuser

Fire_Fox wrote: »

It's nothing to do with you, to be involved is essentially interfering in other people's parenting which you should not do unless you need to call in social services. It's irrelevant that you are the most outspoken, you aren't there to fight anyone's battles. The grandparents are massively outnumbered by the parents anyway if they just got together!

The sons need to deal with the grandparents. Surely all the relevant parents determined childcare arrangements before they decided to have more children? What other aspects of their lives are they going to let the grandparents dictate, or are you going to be asked to mediate every time?

Amazingly, not one of the next 3 grandchildren was planned (but they are all very much wanted).

findingmyownway

notanewuser wrote: »

(and all the boys are tight like their parents)

To me, this is the crux of the matter. 5 kids all with full time care is prob not far off £5k / month. Perhaps someone has intimated this and the GPs can't bear to inflict that cost on their children, and think that offering to help is the only solution.

If the brothers are of the same mindset then it is the SILs that need to stand up to the husbands as a first step. It's easy to think that saving that amount of money is worth any sacrifice, but look deeper than face value and its often not!!

As an aside, my brother has a 4 month old and wants our mum to take care of her while his wife does shift work. Completely motivated by saving money. My mum isn't too happy about it but feels like she has no real options. One toddler is hard work enough, 5 is a genuine nursery-style situation and far too much for GPs to be taking on full time.

The OP commented that one SIL felt like she has to go along with it because the other one is? Because her children will have less granny time than the others if she doesn't? To me that is a ridiculous notion - GP time is about quality not quantity, and a family day out at the weekend would be far more beneficial than being stuck in their zoo all week and spending 1-2 hours/ day in the car. Can you encourage her to look at the time SHE would be missing out on, compared to a nursery round the corner?


e
ETA: of course none of this is any of your business so you may well decide to stay out of it and let it all come tumbling down around them! No one on here would blame you for that :-)

notanewuser

findingmyownway wrote: »

To me, this is the crux of the matter. 5 kids all with full time care is prob not far off £5k / month. Perhaps someone has intimated this and the GPs can't bear to inflict that cost on their children, and think that offering to help is the only solution.

If the brothers are of the same mindset then it is the SILs that need to stand up to the husbands as a first step. It's easy to think that saving that amount of money is worth any sacrifice, but look deeper than face value and its often not!!

As an aside, my brother has a 4 month old and wants our mum to take care of her while his wife does shift work. My mum isn't too happy about it but feels like she has no real options. One toddler is hard work enough, 5 is a genuine nursery-style situation and far too much for GPs to be taking on full time.

The OP commented that one SIL felt like she has to go along with it because the other one is? Because her children will have less granny time than the others if she doesn't? To me that is a ridiculous notion - GP time is about quality not quantity, and a family day out at the weekend would be far more beneficial than being stuck in their zoo all week and spending 1-2 hours/ day in the car. Can you encourage her to look at the time SHE would be missing out on, compared to a nursery round the corner?


e
ETA: of course none of this is any of your business so you may well decide to stay out of it and let it all come tumbling down around them! No one on here would blame you for that :-)

I completely agree. My LO sees them 5-6 times a year (always under us going up there). This will increase now because of 3 more cousins with birthdays at different times, but DH's parents are going to be knackered by the weekend even if they only have 1 son's children (1 toddler, 1 baby). So other SIL worries about them not having time off, and also with her and her OH working full time, weekends will be their time together as a family.

I don't think it's just a money thing. DH's father is obsessed with the news - he told us not to give our LO grapes (ever) because a child choked on one. And there's a rapist/child snatcher/pedophile on every street corner (and in every nursery) don't you know?

It may well sort itself out while everyone is on mat leave, I don't know. But for now I'll stick to encouraging them to stick up for themselves if they aren't happy with the arrangement.

Caroline_a

notanewuser wrote: »

I don't think it's just a money thing. DH's father is obsessed with the news - he told us not to give our LO grapes (ever) because a child choked on one. And there's a rapist/child snatcher/pedophile on every street corner (and in every nursery) don't you know?

maybe make the point that childminders and nursery staff now have to go through the same checks as teachers (CRB, etc). Or are they intending to teach them all at home too?

jackyann

Universal agreement on this one!
OP: I am guessing you wanted:
Confirmation that this is odd (yes)
Confirmation that this is for your SiLs to sort out (yes)
But I also wonder if you wanted to be able to give your SiLs some ammunition?
The "childminder numbers" argument only just stacks up: for the 2 months that they have 3 under one (if I have the dates correctly) they would be "illegal" (if they were childminders). But otherwise, 2 adults under retirement age would fall within guidelines (and FiL sounds like a guy who would check if challenged!)
I also wonder if they worry about seeing their grandchildren, and worry that the others may only be seen as often as yours?
I had wondered whether to suggest that some care is done in the children's own homes - but I can't say I'd want this man given free reign in my home!
I do wonder if the travelling argument is the most powerful one - does he listen to the traffic news?

So back to the parents putting collective feet down, with your sympathy & support, but not involvement.
I'd love to hear the outcome, but of course it is a long way down the line, and as I said before, I hope something may happen!

And PS: if I was grandma I would develop a mildly concerning but non-specific illness, for which the doctor specified rest.

notanewuser

Caroline_a wrote: »

maybe make the point that childminders and nursery staff now have to go through the same checks as teachers (CRB, etc). Or are they intending to teach them all at home too?

I think they just don't want a non-family member changing nappies.

Lunar_Eclipse

notanewuser wrote: »

I think they just don't want a non-family member changing nappies.

Which is bizarre when you consider the facts on child molestation.

The whole suggestion is ridiculous and I agree with the majority of posters that I'd stay out of it. This one is down to the sons.

I'd go back to your SIL and suggest she discusses the reality of the arrangement with her husband. For instance, I doubt most parents would want their children spending so much time in a car seat. I also wonder how competent he would feel with that many young kids in his full time care ... so why would he think his parents could cope any better?

Acc72

notanewuser wrote: »

How on earth do we get this across to DH's parents?

Simple, you don't.

This situation involves neither your parents or your children, therefore you need to keep out of it.

You may have been married to the oldest son the longest, but this does not give you any additional status.

As you live so far away from everybody else and are considered a "strong character", any attempt to get involved will backfire and you will be seen as the "gobby, interfering sister in law".

margaretclare

midnightraven3 wrote: »

i genuinely had to read the OP more than once to make sure i got it right

"DH's parents (62 and 60) are insisting on having all of the children full time"

and none of the parents have the backbone to say "no thank you, we have made our own arrangements"???

:eek:

i wouldnt want my children being driven around like that every day anyway
each of the parents who dont want this to happen need to voice their opinions, and soon
thats incredibly over bearing of the in laws

I didn't realise that it was possible for 'grandparents to insist on having the children full-time'?