Mothers! Christmas! Drama has started already :(

missprice

margaretclare wrote: »

I completely agree! I wouldn't want one either. I walked past some in Tesco recently and I thought OMG, who on earth wants a TV as big as this???

me I may actually be able to see it then:D
yes glasses don't help much

as for OP
somewhere on here is a short list of 'broken record' sayings
or make up your own
keep them by the phone and repeat as necessary.
tell your bro and enlist his help, you can both use the same sayings and it just possibly will slow her down.
try

I don't want to discuss that again
I already said no
This subject has been covered and my decision is the same
This conversation will be finished if you mention that again
I already asked you not to mention that
Please stop trying to discuss that
Stop now or I will end this conversation
your behavoiur/comments are unacceptable and I refuse to continue this conversation

etc etc
repeat in order or randomly
but REPEAT
keep saying the same thing and DO NOT let her continue talking about whatever subject.
oh and follow through if you say you will end the conversation then do so
she cannot shoot you for putting the phone down on her.
make sure that if she ever visits there is someone else there so they can help you make her leave your house (not throw her out btw) just be very firm and keep saying leave now thank you. and if someone else is there then she cant carry on ignoring you as it will look bad on her.
if you refuse to discuss something then she cant get her way and has to leave the subject alone eventually
be prepared for payback however.

do not visit her at home as this is her territory and what she wants is the upper hand
again make a list of excuses and repeat until she gets the message


OR
the simple way is to go no contact
no repeating of sayings
no visits
no more fear of doing or saying the wrong thing
no more being bullied

Sezzagirl

Just wanted to say what great adice you've been given here

I would agree with the people who say to put in writing that you will not be paying towards this

All I kept thinking as I read this, was that however much you say to her face that you are not paying, if she comes to you for money in the new year, she will say that you agreed unless you have something in writing to prove you do not

In view of the holiday situation, you could put in the letter that you do not want you mother to commit you to anyting financially unless she as written agreement from you first!

Good Luck

victory

Isn't this some kind of bully boy tactics? Your mum does not get what she wants so she books a holiday first, tells you later, she gets what she wants and you feel guilty enough to pay up for your daughters share?

Not a very healthy mother daughter relationship, do not pay up, do as others have said and email your mum with strict no get out details of how you are not going to pay the share and have already bought your brother a present.

Don't tell your brother, it is between you and your mum and your mum needs to be told:D

Is your mum lonely, lacking in friends and hobbies, does she feel she has to spend to look good, feel good about herself, to feel included?

It will always go on if you let it.

melanzana

Being together and having a good time is SO much more important and enjoyable than a useless present is. I do know that is not possible for everyone, but all the same...

But then again, off you go and spend a fortune on pressies that no one will remember a few days later. And prob be recycled to Someone else pretty soon.

I know I am a muppet, before anyone says it! But it works for us. Happy days.

sunflower_2

i am prob going to be hated here but here is my opinion...

* i totally disagree with the way in which OP's mother is going about things*

however, the OP did mention that she is the only one in the family with children.

i have the most children amongst all of my friends & relatives and do not find it fair that they spend more on us over Christmas, birthdays etc.

what i tend to do (and promote) is to set a budget "per family". e.g. £100 for Christmas per couple. If they have 3 kids that is £20 each, if they have no kids its £50 each or a joint pressie for £100.

i am just wondering if this is what OP's family is thinking?

shoot me now...

Mojisola

Knowing that she will ignore what you're saying because it's not what she wants to hear, I would put it in writing so there can be no dispute later. Otherwise, she will try to bully you into paying "your share" of the cost.

KxMx

Some people just do not get that parents can be wrong/bad/narcasstic/mean/evil/crafty/devious etc and always find a way to suggest the OP has or may have got it wrong, despite OP knowing parent a millions times better than said posters- shame!

Trust me parents are not 100% good, innocent people, and just because you grew up with Ma and Pa Larkin, does not mean they are all like that...

Those with parents who aren't perfect know well what we are talking about, usually is is not an isolated incident but the straw that broke the camels back!

(i'm not aiming this at any one in particular, just general observations from being an MSE user!)

bestpud

It seems to me you aren't ready to stand up to your mum yet, OP?

It's good your OH is supporting you but it needs to come from you or she will more than likely work on you every time you are away from him.

If she is narcissistic, she may even start trying to come between you.

Your mum won't change, so if you want to keep in contact you will have to change the way you respond to her.

This may work - it has for me: Practice creating a 'shield' around yourself so the words fly around you but don't penetrate. If you can stop the words entering your head then you are less likely to be sucked in or upset/angered by her behaviour.

If you can create a 'gap' between her and you then it is possible to start seeing and appreciating her better qualities because you won't be bogged down by the crap any more.

DuckEggGingham

sunflower wrote: »

i am prob going to be hated here but here is my opinion...

* i totally disagree with the way in which OP's mother is going about things*

however, the OP did mention that she is the only one in the family with children.

i have the most children amongst all of my friends & relatives and do not find it fair that they spend more on us over Christmas, birthdays etc.

what i tend to do (and promote) is to set a budget "per family". e.g. £100 for Christmas per couple. If they have 3 kids that is £20 each, if they have no kids its £50 each or a joint pressie for £100.

i am just wondering if this is what OP's family is thinking?

shoot me now...

No hate from me! I appreciate all input. I maybe would of thought something similar had I been reading about this situation. That is a good idea to have a budget per family. For a few years now though my family just buy for our children. I was asked if I minded this being the way by a sibling a few years ago due to budget reason and I had no problem with it, I totally supported it. My kids now receive something like a book, new dvd or vouchers from their aunts and uncles, it all works well.

KxMx wrote: »

Some people just do not get that parents can be wrong/bad/narcasstic/mean/evil/crafty/devious etc and always find a way to suggest the OP has or may have got it wrong, despite OP knowing parent a millions times better than said posters- shame!

Trust me parents are not 100% good, innocent people, and just because you grew up with Ma and Pa Larkin, does not mean they are all like that...

Those with parents who aren't perfect know well what we are talking about, usually is is not an isolated incident but the straw that broke the camels back!

(i'm not aiming this at any one in particular, just general observations from being an MSE user!)

It is so hard to try and explain to people who have had the good fortune to never of come across such a person just how draining it can all be. I do though understand that it is breaking the rules by having such conflicting feelings over your mum, especially as her daughter. It seems unfathomable to some people and that is ok because knowing not everyone "gets it" gives you hope that there are nice people out there as it just seems so unthinkable. Nice/Normal (?) people don't think like my mum may or have had to deal with someone like my mum, its hard to know it happens when you don't see it for yourself. I hope that makes sense. Thank you for your support.

bestpud wrote: »

It seems to me you aren't ready to stand up to your mum yet, OP?

It's good your OH is supporting you but it needs to come from you or she will more than likely work on you every time you are away from him.

If she is narcissistic, she may even start trying to come between you.

Your mum won't change, so if you want to keep in contact you will have to change the way you respond to her.

This may work - it has for me: Practice creating a 'shield' around yourself so the words fly around you but don't penetrate. If you can stop the words entering your head then you are less likely to be sucked in or upset/angered by her behaviour.

If you can create a 'gap' between her and you then it is possible to start seeing and appreciating her better qualities because you won't be bogged down by the crap any more.

I am ready in my head lol! I am just not sure I am ready for the fall out that will occur. She did try in the past to come between myself and hubby but he nipped that right in the bud. She also will not push hubby to far as due to his job she gets to be " woe is me" amongst her friends sometimes. She gets to be "brave" and a wonderful supportive mother, an absolute rock. When in reality its nothing like that but to meet her, you could not meet a lovelier lady.

Thank you everyone for the input. All taken onboard.
I must say though that it is NOT about the money, it could be £70 or £700 it was just the maddening attitude I was coming up against and because I tend to get very paranoid and gibbering when it comes to my mum I thought I would ask "normal" people if I could maybe be reading the situation wrong as its all very blurred when it comes to my sense of reality with her some days lol

Thank you all again,

DuckEggGingham

Kt3 wrote: »

Hi. I have been lurking for a long time and your thread finally encouraged me to post, so here goes first post (scary).
I too have a narcissistic mother, maybe not everyone on here really understands what that is or how it affects every conversation with your mom. Therefore my view is from a different angle and may sound harsh to others. If this was my mum I know it would be nothing to do with the money. She would already know I would say no but the debate, anxiety etc would string out to many conversations for weeks to come, I have only recently really understood how to handle her after she did something unforgivable to me. I am currenly coming from a tough stance, say no and refuse to discuss any further. Should the conversation arise refuse to discuss and if necessary warn her you wil leave or put down the phone if the conversation continues and make sure you follow through. I know I would be slated to anyone who would listen to her but so be it. This has taken me over 40 years to get the nerve to stand up to my mum like this and it's not pleasant and I wish things were different but recent events were the last straw. I too thought about 'no contact' but not felt able to do this so now I have to carefully control what I say and end conversations as above. For your brother (I too am the golden child hence why it took me so long to figure out) will she use the grand present as a form of control with him? Will he have to be eternally grateful? Will this present come up in future conversations? That's what would happen to me but you have to let him deal with this and yes I would speak to him prior, he can always pretend he doesn't know if you have done the wrong thing but without knowing beforehand this gesture will be the focus of Xmas when it should really not be all about mums and grand presents. Only you can really decide though how to handle this as only you know your mum. Good luck.

Welcome to MSE! I am sorry though that this post was the one that broke your lurkdom. Its not nice to know there are others out there. I mean that in the kindest of ways!

Thank you for your lovely post. Its interesting to read from my brothers point of view if you like. I do feel for him, he is under so much pressure but in a completely different way. Well done on getting to a place where you do not put up with it all any more, I hope to meet you there one day soon! lol