Mothers! Christmas! Drama has started already :(

DuckEggGingham

I am a grown, married woman with 2 teenagers, I hold down a busy job and I am studying, I like to think I am a 'tough cookie' yet I can be turned into a quivering, self doubting and apologetic wreck by one person without fail. My mother! :mad:

Because myself and hubby are so involved, I thought I would ask for an "outsiders" point of view on the situation!

My mum called me up to say that she has seen a gadget that she would like to buy for my brother and his wife. She told me she has worked out that it is £70 each that my other sibling, me and my mum need to "chip in" so we can buy this special gadget for them "as they don't have one and it will be such a lovely present from us all.e.t.c" It is not a life or death must have gadget! Its a Tv! They do have one just not a big one!

I explained to her that we were not planning to spend that amount on brothers and sisters. Between hubby and I we have a few lol! I explained that I would feel guilty not being to do that for all of the others and to be honest we are saving every penny towards a house. We are the only ones who have kids to buy for at Christmas on my side of the family. Seems my mum has a short memory and has forgotten how expensive teens can get at Christmas lol! Our main Christmas budget will be going on our children and we were thinking more along the lines of buying other family members a book/dvd/smellys etc

My mums reply to this explanation was "its okay, I will pay your part and you can pay me back when you have got the money"

It really is not about that!:mad: It feels like she is putting me into "debt" through no choice of my own! I literally have no say lol! My explanations do not work! My brother and his wife are in great paying jobs, own their house, take holidays etc They are not a young couple starting out.

If you know of the word narcissistic, then you know of my mum! I do not use that term lightly. Years of therapy has taught me all about it, I was never on a level playing field when it came to her.

But I just wanted to check, am I being mean not wanting to pay so much towards just 1 siblings present when we would not choose to spend that much of our own accord? Is it me that is wrong? I genuinely doubt myself and I'm totally open to your opinion! I have a thick skin and can take it!

Torry_Quine

You aren't being mean at all. You know who you have to buy for and what money you have. If your mother insists on getting this you will have to be clear that you want no part of it and will not be 'repaying' her.

Sagaris

No you are not being mean at all!

You have your budget, stick to it - and become a 'broken record' whenever she brings it up - make it quite clear that you have your Christmas present arrangements in hand, what she wants to do is up to her - but you will not be paying any money to her for other presents. Keep repeating often and loud!

What a cheek!

notakid

Ring your Mom back and say that you thought about it and would rather just buy your own gifts. Be firm and clear, say please leave our name off the gift as you have already brought your presents and don't want to "double" gift.

tattycath

No, you are not being mean-we don't even buy for our siblings as Christmas is so expensive. If your mother is desperate for your sibling to have that particular gift, your other sibling and her can go halves and you can get them something within your budget from you and yours

Sally_A

I'd even tell a little/big porkie and say not to involve you, as you have already got your siblings pressies sorted, paid for and wrapped.

CH27

You need to ring her back & state very firmly that you will not pay that much for a present.
She needs to be more sensitive.

scottishchick27

No you're not being unreasonable, that's a lot of money for a siblings present. I spend about £20 on mine because she buys for my daughter, she doesn't buy for me.

skattykatty

NO! You are not being mean. You are being a reasonable adult. In your shoes I would make it very clear that I will NOT be contributing towards this present. I don't think you need to give a reason. It's your choice not to just as it is her choice to go ahead, by herself, with her money, if she wants to! You have your own family to take care of. Keep strong!!

sparrer

My mother has always liked to rule the roost even though I'm retired and she's now in her 90's! She plays the guilt trip game, pushes buttons etc etc., and it's only this year, much to my shame, that I've stopped rising to the bait. It was quite simple really - I was told by a much younger family member, who know what I've had to cope with for years, to just tell her no. No explanations or discussion, just no. It rocked the boat badly the first few times but gradually I'm getting on top of the mind games, and will continue to say it. No. It's a wonderful feeling of freedom! Good luck

DuckEggGingham

Thank you all! I honestly was starting to wonder if I am being mean.

I have spoken with her a few times today to try and be firm with a No, explaining that we have no intention of spending that amount on just 1 sibling, that it may cause bad feeling as we won't be able to do it for the others. Her response to that was "they all already have big Tv's" lol! Honestly I could cry! lol

She keeps saying how amazing it will be when they see it on Christmas day etc how grateful they will be. I really think if they wanted a different tv, they would of gone and got one by now! She is adamant she is putting my name on the present and "we can sort it out later" as again I have tried to explain that I will not be spending that much and I would rather pick them a gift myself.

So frustrating!