Mothers! Christmas! Drama has started already :(

DuckEggGingham

victory wrote: »

Isn't this some kind of bully boy tactics? Your mum does not get what she wants so she books a holiday first, tells you later, she gets what she wants and you feel guilty enough to pay up for your daughters share?

Not a very healthy mother daughter relationship, do not pay up, do as others have said and email your mum with strict no get out details of how you are not going to pay the share and have already bought your brother a present.

Don't tell your brother, it is between you and your mum and your mum needs to be told:D

Is your mum lonely, lacking in friends and hobbies, does she feel she has to spend to look good, feel good about herself, to feel included?

It will always go on if you let it.

You are right, its not a healthy relationship at all. Toxic would be the word I would use.

She is not lacking in friends, its a shame she does not always see just how many good friends she does actually have. Some have given up as the years have gone on but a couple have stuck it around to the bitter end. You have though hit the nail on the head about the "look good" part.

If you met my mum you would wonder what all the fuss is about. She is one of the best friends you could ever have. Would support you to the ends of the earth and back again. ( Though when you stop needing her, or you say no about something, be sure your name will be mud in the privacy of her home or when she is on the phone to others. She will tell certain people how much she did for you and how ungrateful you are now. She won't tell everyone because only few are privy to what she is really like.)

She is involved in the local community, does so much for the community. Always on the go my mum, constantly coming up with new ideas and volunteering to do all the leg work that comes with that. She is an absolute God-send! ( Just be sure you offer to help out, even if its so she can say no, that her back is broad, because if you forget to offer knowing she is going to say no anyway then you will be the kind of person that wants all these fancy ideas for the community, yet never help but when they are all put into place you will be the first one using up all of their resources, people will know just what you are like and all will be told with a gentle, knowing smile as well)

I WISH it was as simple as just stopping "Letting it go on" I could go on, but I am in danger of getting boring now lol

j.e.j.

if mum was that keen for brother to have a tv she'd buy it as a pressie from herself, surely? This must be more to do with family politics and cajoling the other siblings to spoil the 'favourite' brother with an expensive gift.

I am on a low income and wouldn't be happy with ANYbody else trying to dictate what presents I buy for people, but I guess if it's something everyone else is in agreeance with it's harder to get out of it. What do the other siblings think of having to stump up £70 each for the tv?

valkirn

DuckEggGingham wrote: »

I am a grown, married woman with 2 teenagers, I hold down a busy job and I am studying, I like to think I am a 'tough cookie' yet I can be turned into a quivering, self doubting and apologetic wreck by one person without fail. My mother! :mad:

Because myself and hubby are so involved, I thought I would ask for an "outsiders" point of view on the situation!

My mum called me up to say that she has seen a gadget that she would like to buy for my brother and his wife. She told me she has worked out that it is £70 each that my other sibling, me and my mum need to "chip in" so we can buy this special gadget for them "as they don't have one and it will be such a lovely present from us all.e.t.c" It is not a life or death must have gadget! Its a Tv! They do have one just not a big one!

I explained to her that we were not planning to spend that amount on brothers and sisters. Between hubby and I we have a few lol! I explained that I would feel guilty not being to do that for all of the others and to be honest we are saving every penny towards a house. We are the only ones who have kids to buy for at Christmas on my side of the family. Seems my mum has a short memory and has forgotten how expensive teens can get at Christmas lol! Our main Christmas budget will be going on our children and we were thinking more along the lines of buying other family members a book/dvd/smellys etc

My mums reply to this explanation was "its okay, I will pay your part and you can pay me back when you have got the money"

It really is not about that!:mad: It feels like she is putting me into "debt" through no choice of my own! I literally have no say lol! My explanations do not work! My brother and his wife are in great paying jobs, own their house, take holidays etc They are not a young couple starting out.

If you know of the word narcissistic, then you know of my mum! I do not use that term lightly. Years of therapy has taught me all about it, I was never on a level playing field when it came to her.

But I just wanted to check, am I being mean not wanting to pay so much towards just 1 siblings present when we would not choose to spend that much of our own accord? Is it me that is wrong? I genuinely doubt myself and I'm totally open to your opinion! I have a thick skin and can take it!

Wow are you sure we dont own the same mum

My mother is very much like this and i finally took the option of 'no contact' and its been that way now for nearly a year whilst in some ways im happier as my decisions are no longer being second guessed and are now my own especially where my children are concerned, but i do miss picking up the phone for a natter.

I hope you find a way to resolve this without resorting to no contact.

FatVonD

Dear Mum,

I do not wish to contribute to this gift as our budget doesn't allow us to spend £70 on one person. This is not because we are short at the moment, it is because we do not wish to spend this amount of money AT ANY TIME so please DO NOT make a contribution on our behalf. Worrying that you will go ahead without my permission and present it to me as a fait accomplis(sp?) is already ruining my Christmas.

I will not be cajoled into this and refuse to discuss it further.

I have cced *sibling* into this so they know that I will not be contributing.

DEG

19lottie82

hardpressed wrote: »

I don't know if I've miss-understood but if your mum is wanting to split the cost of the telly 3 ways and is asking for £70 from each of you, where is she planning on getting a decent telly for £210?

You've got to stand up to her, how does your other sibling feel about it?

http://www.tesco.com/direct/sharp-lc32sh130k-32-inch-widescreen-hd-ready-lcd-tv-amd-usb-record-with-freeview/212-5792.prd?pageLevel=&skuId=212-5792

http://www.richersounds.com/product/tv---all/toshiba/32bl502/tosh-32bl502

System

I remember my Mother telling me she had paid for my brothers insurance on his car (the car she bought for him). She bought a jumper for him, a jumper for his girlfriend, pyjamas for both his kids for Christmas and i got a pair of slippers, hubby a pack of cheap underpants. Only 3 of my kids got a present (she doesnt like the other two because they remind her of my husband).

I'll never forget how hurtful that was. It wasnt the money it was the fact that i (and two of my kids) felt unloved by a person who should be loving us unconditionally.

My relationship with my Mother continued with great pain on my side for the way she treated me for another 10 months until i finally realized the only people she cared about was herself (and my brother). I was just the carer.

I talked myself out of going to see her a couple of months ago. If i thought she had changed i'd go and see her tomorrow.

Yes take it from me you need to stand up to her now. Her attitude will destroy you from within and if it hasnt already, will affect your relationship with your brother.

Abbafan1972

In a way I am glad I don't have siblings to buy for!

I have read through this thread and I agree with everything that has been said, be firm with your Mom. You've decided on what present(s) you're giving and stick to it, don't cave in.

I think you should speak to your brother though, as there's a danger she will put your name to the gift and there will be endless jibes such as "your sister still owes me the money for this etc" and will make you look like the baddie.

Please keep us updated and good luck with it.

sassyblue

Judi wrote: »

I remember my Mother telling me she had paid for my brothers insurance on his car (the car she bought for him). She bought a jumper for him, a jumper for his girlfriend, pyjamas for both his kids for Christmas and i got a pair of slippers, hubby a pack of cheap underpants. Only 3 of my kids got a present (she doesnt like the other two because they remind her of my husband).

That has got to be one of the most outrageous things l've ever read - WITHOUT what came before it....

My God l'm so sorry you have to put up with that.

System

My God l'm so sorry you have to put up with that

Thanks. It was so hurtful when she said that she didnt like him. Especially as a favour to me and his Nan, he was helping her move some things into her new flat.

My other child, well she has been the most faithful to her of all of my children. She took Nan down to see my eldest son one christmas and Nan gave him an envelope containing £200 (he counted it in front of his sister). Taking Nan back home my daughter texted me she was so hurt. She didnt even get a card.

Theres no love lost between hubby and my Mother. They have put up with eachother for years... well not any more they dont.:(

Abbafan1972

Judi wrote: »

Thanks. It was so hurtful when she said that she didnt like him. Especially as a favour to me and his Nan, he was helping her move some things into her new flat.

My other child, well she has been the most faithful to her of all of my children. She took Nan down to see my eldest son one christmas and Nan gave him an envelope containing £200 (he counted it in front of his sister). Taking Nan back home my daughter texted me she was so hurt. She didnt even get a card.

Theres no love lost between hubby and my Mother. They have put up with eachother for years... well not any more they dont.:(

I really don't know what to say Judi