Mothers! Christmas! Drama has started already :(

barbiedoll

OP, instead of telling your mum that you can't afford to contribute/you've already got his present, etc etc, why not tell her the truth?

That you are a grown woman and you are perfectly capable of choosing your own gift for your brother. You don't appreciate being told what to buy and how much to spend and therefore you won't be contributing to her gift and that is the end of the matter. And you won't be discussing it any further.

I do hope that you're not thinking of feeding, watering and entertaining her over Christmas? :eek::eek:

Kt3

Duckegg gingham, thanks for the welcome - are we twins? Our mums sound so similar, my mum is active in the community, has friends of all ages and many people believe she would do anything for anyone, hard for anyone else to understand how she is with the family. I do feel for you, the more I stand up to mum recently the better behaved she has been, it's horrible but you need to dig deep and find the nerve to do this. It has taken some weeks for her to understand I am not going to weaken, I do love her to bits but she makes it so hard to like her sometimes. I am dreading Xmas though as there is bound to be a drama - she generally gives away anything I buy her - even when it is something she has asked for, usually takes glee in telling me she has donated it to the church raffle so she is always known for donating nice and sometimes expensive things. Really feel for you, let us know how it all pans out

Mrs_Huggett

Kt3 I wonder how much the church raffle will make on that nice lump of coal she will be recieving from you this year (go on - you know you want to tee hee!) DEG Stand your ground my love, and deffo speak to your other siblings now, before it's too late for them, I bet they will be in agreement with you and will probably be relieved to get this out in the open and have stop put to it!!

londonsurrey

This takes narcissism a level up. Not only is the golden child favoured by mummy, mother dear is now demanding that the scapegoat pays up to ensure that the golden child gets a bigger present than the scapegoat.

A person who hasn't been subjected to the decades of abuse that you have would simply retort back at her "You're having a larf, aren't you?"

londonsurrey

My narcissistic mother has no problem giving my money away too, and I'm the golden child!

She was complaining about her reduced circumstances, so I offered to buy half of her house abroad. It's worth about £17k, but I offered her £10k, just to be generous. She accepted.

Next thing I knew, she was waffling on about getting her affairs in order, and getting my name and my sister's name on the deeds, so it would be split three ways.

Hello? She was about to accept money for 50% of the house, and was giving me 33%, and making out that the 33% was a gift from her to me!

kitschkitty

Kt3 wrote: »

Duckegg gingham, thanks for the welcome - are we twins? Our mums sound so similar, my mum is active in the community, has friends of all ages and many people believe she would do anything for anyone, hard for anyone else to understand how she is with the family. I do feel for you, the more I stand up to mum recently the better behaved she has been, it's horrible but you need to dig deep and find the nerve to do this. It has taken some weeks for her to understand I am not going to weaken, I do love her to bits but she makes it so hard to like her sometimes. I am dreading Xmas though as there is bound to be a drama - she generally gives away anything I buy her - even when it is something she has asked for, usually takes glee in telling me she has donated it to the church raffle so she is always known for donating nice and sometimes expensive things. Really feel for you, let us know how it all pans out

In one way (a big way) I'm very sorry to read that but in another way it's almost nice to think she is cutting her nose off to spite her face and you are supporting a charity through her actions.

marmitepotato

After reading through these posts I realise I am very lucky indeed. My Mum will do what she does for Christmas and it doesn't hurt or involve any other member of my family. I did think that my MIL was a trial to have on Christmas Day as she talks non stop about nothing from the moment she arrives Christmas morning, until she leaves Boxing Day evening! She doesn't hurt or manipulate anyone, she just talks!

margaretclare

I'd like to know how you define a 'narcissistic mother'. I never heard of this during my Behavioural Sciences degree, although that was a while ago now. I don't recognise myself as any of these women, would certainly not do any of the things described in this thread, and yet I've been rejected by my surviving daughter. I did something stupid a few years ago which she regards as unforgivable and 'stay out of my life'. All apologies are thrown back and not accepted. She seems to have become very hard and unforgiving, something I find pretty hard to understand, because it is not in my nature at all. The situation came to prominence a short while ago with the birth of another generation, which I shall not be allowed to see. 'Stay away from my family'. 'Hah! 'My family?' And I am 'that woman', not the woman who gave birth to her?

I'm fortunate to have a step-family who love me. I don't think I am 'narcissistic', but reading this and other very sad threads, I wonder.

I realise that this is just another bereavement and I shall get over it as I got over all the others. It's just coming up to 10 years since her sister died, who had been very badly treated by elder sister, and this end of the year always engenders these very gloomy thoughts.

bestpud

margaretclare wrote: »

I'd like to know how you define a 'narcissistic mother'. I never heard of this during my Behavioural Sciences degree, although that was a while ago now. I don't recognise myself as any of these women, would certainly not do any of the things described in this thread, and yet I've been rejected by my surviving daughter. I did something stupid a few years ago which she regards as unforgivable and 'stay out of my life'. All apologies are thrown back and not accepted. She seems to have become very hard and unforgiving, something I find pretty hard to understand, because it is not in my nature at all. The situation came to prominence a short while ago with the birth of another generation, which I shall not be allowed to see. 'Stay away from my family'. 'Hah! 'My family?' And I am 'that woman', not the woman who gave birth to her?

I'm fortunate to have a step-family who love me. I don't think I am 'narcissistic', but reading this and other very sad threads, I wonder.

I realise that this is just another bereavement and I shall get over it as I got over all the others. It's just coming up to 10 years since her sister died, who had been very badly treated by elder sister, and this end of the year always engenders these very gloomy thoughts.

Perhaps you have a narcissistic daughter...

Other may have different ideas but, not being very good with words at this time of the morning, I've just done a quick Google search and this sums up my interpretation of a narcissistic parent:

http://www.lightshouse.org/the-narcissistic-parent.html#axzz2BWqiFnGD

margaretclare

bestpud wrote: »

Perhaps you have a narcissistic daughter...

Other may have different ideas but, not being very good with words at this time of the morning, I've just done a quick Google search and this sums up my interpretation of a narcissistic parent:

http://www.lightshouse.org/the-narcissistic-parent.html#axzz2BWqiFnGD

Thanks for this. You may be right.

Certainly, if you met her you'd very likely think she's absolutely charming. Highly-intelligent, articulate, accomplished (achieved a Classics degree which involved learning ancient Greek - she already speaks modern Greek) although her avowed ambition while at school was to 'be ordinary and live on a council estate!' Well, she achieved that, although they're buying the house, as well as importing a rescued dog from Cyprus and diving holidays in the Maldives.

Now she's basking in being the grandmother to premmie twin girls. Bit ironic for me, after my career in midwifery at a senior level, and even in recent years, I used to knit little hats for our local SCBU, used to deliver them by the bagful. Couldn't bear to do that now - too painful.

I recall her sitting in my house on the day of her Dad's funeral, telling me what an awful mum I'd always been, tried to make her do things she didn't want to do, like - go to school. Well, doesn't every parent do that? I know she broke her Dad's heart. I am darned well determined she shall not break mine. I have a good man who loves me, been together for 15 years now and that wouldn't have lasted if I'd been so awful - he'd have left me like he left 2 others if it became unbearable. And his son, daughter and 2 granddaughters - lovely people and I love them.

Sorry to intervene in this thread. But I would absolutely not do any of the things that mothers are described as having done. More particularly, I don't go much on the whole 'Christmas' charade. Year by year it seems more and more meaningless.