Mothers! Christmas! Drama has started already :(

bestpud

margaretclare wrote: »

Thanks for this. You may be right.

Certainly, if you met her you'd very likely think she's absolutely charming. Highly-intelligent, articulate, accomplished (achieved a Classics degree which involved learning ancient Greek - she already speaks modern Greek) although her avowed ambition while at school was to 'be ordinary and live on a council estate!' Well, she achieved that, although they're buying the house, as well as importing a rescued dog from Cyprus and diving holidays in the Maldives.

Now she's basking in being the grandmother to premmie twin girls. Bit ironic for me, after my career in midwifery at a senior level, and even in recent years, I used to knit little hats for our local SCBU, used to deliver them by the bagful. Couldn't bear to do that now - too painful.

I recall her sitting in my house on the day of her Dad's funeral, telling me what an awful mum I'd always been, tried to make her do things she didn't want to do, like - go to school. Well, doesn't every parent do that? I know she broke her Dad's heart. I am darned well determined she shall not break mine. I have a good man who loves me, been together for 15 years now and that wouldn't have lasted if I'd been so awful - he'd have left me like he left 2 others if it became unbearable. And his son, daughter and 2 granddaughters - lovely people and I love them.

Sorry to intervene in this thread. But I would absolutely not do any of the things that mothers are described as having done. More particularly, I don't go much on the whole 'Christmas' charade. Year by year it seems more and more meaningless.

I think the hardest part of dealing with someone like this is the two faces they have and the way they can switch from one to another, like flicking a switch, only you don't have access to the switch!

If you aren't careful they can leave you feeling you are completely mad!

margaretclare

bestpud wrote: »

I think the hardest part of dealing with someone like this is the two faces they have and the way they can switch from one to another, like flicking a switch, only you don't have access to the switch!

If you aren't careful they can leave you feeling you are completely mad!

Oh yes, I really do. I know she resents DH, but without him, I'd be a lonely impoverished widow and, with all that has happened recently plus younger daughter's death, I don't think I'd even want to live.

I need a new challenge, so have just embarked on a postal course in Old English (Anglo-Saxon) and volunteered to take part in transcribing a wills project for a family history group. One thing resonated with me in that site about narcissistic mothers. 'Being too focused on herself'. Well, I've never lived vicariously for others, if that's what it means - always had a career, we'd have been badly-off indeed if I hadn't! But many women of my age live, eat, breathe and sleep the grandchildren and great-grandchildren and seem to have nothing of their own. There has to be a happy medium somewhere.

bestpud

margaretclare wrote: »

Oh yes, I really do. I know she resents DH, but without him, I'd be a lonely impoverished widow and, with all that has happened recently plus younger daughter's death, I don't think I'd even want to live.

I need a new challenge, so have just embarked on a postal course in Old English (Anglo-Saxon) and volunteered to take part in transcribing a wills project for a family history group. One thing resonated with me in that site about narcissistic mothers. 'Being too focused on herself'. Well, I've never lived vicariously for others, if that's what it means - always had a career, we'd have been badly-off indeed if I hadn't! But many women of my age live, eat, breathe and sleep the grandchildren and great-grandchildren and seem to have nothing of their own. There has to be a happy medium somewhere.

Narcissistic parenting goes way beyond having a life and/or career of your own in my opinion. It seeps into everything and everything becomes about the parent - everything! Every event, everything that is bought, a child's birthday, holidays... They have the ability to make everything about them but it's underhand and done in a way that outsiders don't usually notice.

Personally, I think it is as damaging to dote on children to the point they can do no wrong and never allow them the space to develop into their own person and learn how to deal with ups and downs.

That's the other end of the spectrum for me.

I think most of us strive to stay in the middle somewhere!

ailuro2

Anyone want to start a parent / adult child swop on here?:think:

There are so many of us with awful kids or parents, surely it makes sense to swop things around a bit so the decent folks amongst us get the family we deserve and the mean / naughty / controlling ones get lumbered with each other?

( Speaking as the grown up daughter of narcissistic mother, no contact for years and my mental health is so much better for it, but I've never quite got over the feeling of being cheated out of a decent parent and a lovely Granny for my daughter - not for childcare or for presents, just someone who would extend the family and give her a different perspctive of family life)

Be strong and keep saying No - even when she starts name calling and blaming it on you - it's NOT your fault!

margaretclare

bestpud wrote: »

Narcissistic parenting goes way beyond having a life and/or career of your own in my opinion. It seeps into everything and everything becomes about the parent - everything! Every event, everything that is bought, a child's birthday, holidays... They have the ability to make everything about them but it's underhand and done in a way that outsiders don't usually notice.

Personally, I think it is as damaging to dote on children to the point they can do no wrong and never allow them the space to develop into their own person and learn how to deal with ups and downs.

That's the other end of the spectrum for me.

I think most of us strive to stay in the middle somewhere!

I agree with all of this.

Had to smile. A few years ago I was in an orthopaedic ward for revision of hip replacement. In the bed next to me was a woman who immediately started talking about her children/grandchildren/great-grandchildren. She asked me how many grandchildren I had. I told her. 'How many great-grandchildren?' I told her 'none'. 'Why Not?' I said 'Well, it's not up to me, is it?'

She went on and on about her grandchildren. And on, and on..One of them, she was very proud of, had recently bought his own flat. 'But he brings his washing to me every week for me to do!'. I didn't gain any brownie points when I said 'so he hasn't got a washing-machine of his own, or if he has, he hasn't discovered how it works?'

As it was getting close to Christmas, within about 3 weeks, she'd already prepared the brussels sprouts for Christmas dinner.

Person_one

margaretclare wrote: »

I'd like to know how you define a 'narcissistic mother'. I never heard of this during my Behavioural Sciences degree, although that was a while ago now. I don't recognise myself as any of these women, would certainly not do any of the things described in this thread, and yet I've been rejected by my surviving daughter. I did something stupid a few years ago which she regards as unforgivable and 'stay out of my life'. All apologies are thrown back and not accepted. She seems to have become very hard and unforgiving, something I find pretty hard to understand, because it is not in my nature at all. The situation came to prominence a short while ago with the birth of another generation, which I shall not be allowed to see. 'Stay away from my family'. 'Hah! 'My family?' And I am 'that woman', not the woman who gave birth to her?

What did you do? For all we know it was unforgiveable.

Not sure what you mean by 'Hah! 'My family?'

georgie262

This reminds me a bit of the mother in Bridget Jones, "Darling you will come to Debenhams and get your colours done":rotfl: