Mothers! Christmas! Drama has started already :(

Brighton_belle

seashore22 wrote: »

Ok, I think even more now that something needs to be done about your lovely mum. I'm sure she is lovely, but like all of us she comes with her faults.

She doesn't sound lovely to me in any shape or form - she clearly frequently makes OP very unhappy and walks all over her and never listens.
I don't think the rational considerate and thoughtful sounding OP would be reaching a point of considering 'no contact' if her mother wasn't controlling and manipulative. OP is clearly already working out how she will have to dance to her tune to 'keep her happy' on Xmas day. She (OP's mother)sounds a selfcentred selfish nightmare.
My eyes have been opend to narcisistic mothers by other posters over the last few years - I had no idea such dreadful people exisited.

Kt3

Hi. I have been lurking for a long time and your thread finally encouraged me to post, so here goes first post (scary).
I too have a narcissistic mother, maybe not everyone on here really understands what that is or how it affects every conversation with your mom. Therefore my view is from a different angle and may sound harsh to others. If this was my mum I know it would be nothing to do with the money. She would already know I would say no but the debate, anxiety etc would string out to many conversations for weeks to come, I have only recently really understood how to handle her after she did something unforgivable to me. I am currenly coming from a tough stance, say no and refuse to discuss any further. Should the conversation arise refuse to discuss and if necessary warn her you wil leave or put down the phone if the conversation continues and make sure you follow through. I know I would be slated to anyone who would listen to her but so be it. This has taken me over 40 years to get the nerve to stand up to my mum like this and it's not pleasant and I wish things were different but recent events were the last straw. I too thought about 'no contact' but not felt able to do this so now I have to carefully control what I say and end conversations as above. For your brother (I too am the golden child hence why it took me so long to figure out) will she use the grand present as a form of control with him? Will he have to be eternally grateful? Will this present come up in future conversations? That's what would happen to me but you have to let him deal with this and yes I would speak to him prior, he can always pretend he doesn't know if you have done the wrong thing but without knowing beforehand this gesture will be the focus of Xmas when it should really not be all about mums and grand presents. Only you can really decide though how to handle this as only you know your mum. Good luck.

kj*daisy

I think you need to tell your brother, he may well not want the telly she is thinking of getting them, particularly as you've explained he is the golden boy but hates that position. Then he can tell her if he doesn't want the telly. I'd hate anyone else to chose my telly,my relatives all buy cheap stuff and would never buy the qulity we want, so we have an old telly till we can save up for the ne that we really want!

margaretclare

As you advise us the recipients of this TV could afford to purchase one for themselves if they chose to. Maybe the fact they dont have one is that they dont want one. Personally I would hate one of those huge, gaudy, ugly monstrosities in my house. It would not fit in with the design of my rooms at all. I have a small flat screen TV and love it. It is there when I want it, but doesn't stand out like a sore thumb and take over the room.

I completely agree! I wouldn't want one either. I walked past some in Tesco recently and I thought OMG, who on earth wants a TV as big as this???

LannieDuck

I would leave your brother out of it. It's not his problem, it's yours. You need to say 'no' ...and after hearing what she did with the holiday, it's even more important.

I would have said 'no' at the holiday stage personally - how dare she decide what your birthday present to your daughter will be?! At least this time she's asked you in advance. So take the opportunity to stand your ground. One final e-mail or phone call to make it crystal clear that you won't pay for it now or in the future, and you're going to give brother a different present... and then leave it. What she decides to spend her money on is up to her.

hardpressed

I don't know if I've miss-understood but if your mum is wanting to split the cost of the telly 3 ways and is asking for £70 from each of you, where is she planning on getting a decent telly for £210?

You've got to stand up to her, how does your other sibling feel about it?

seashore22

Brighton_belle wrote: »

She doesn't sound lovely to me in any shape or form - she clearly frequently makes OP very unhappy and walks all over her and never listens.
I don't think the rational considerate and thoughtful sounding OP would be reaching a point of considering 'no contact' if her mother wasn't controlling and manipulative. OP is clearly already working out how she will have to dance to her tune to 'keep her happy' on Xmas day. She (OP's mother)sounds a selfcentred selfish nightmare.
My eyes have been opend to narcisistic mothers by other posters over the last few years - I had no idea such dreadful people exisited.

No, she doesn't sound particularly nice and I'm glad she's not my mother, but I was trying to be polite. Too polite maybe.

Brighton_belle

seashore22 wrote: »

No, she doesn't sound particularly nice and I'm glad she's not my mother, but I was trying to be polite. In my defense I hadn't seen the op's other posts with more background.

Always better to err on the side of politeness seashore, if in doubt. No offence intended and I'm sorry if I came across as harsh towards yourself - I was just worried the OP feels so bad when she is around her mother that she might feels somehow she is the one at fault.:)

melanzana

My Bah..humbug comes out big time at Christmas.

FGS it's over in 24 hours. And a lot of money is spent unnecessarily too.

We do not buy for siblings. Full stop.

Or for nieces and nephews over 18 either.

All have accepted this and are relieved believe me. But I was the one who suggested this. Always me...

Anyway, I do have a mother. Who is as narcissistic as they come. But I honestly love the woman, but don't LIKE her much, if you get me.

When we decided to ditch the gifts for all but those under 18, she went ballistic.

But my younger sister said in sweet tones " but Mum, YOU can still buy a gift for everyone , including your children and grand kids, and thanks a million for that".

Now we all buy a gift for Mum of course, and she gives us a few bob in a card. Great.

But Christmas has to be sorted for those who have similar problems to OP.

It is a time to be together, and I can remember those times when we are all togther having a laugh, much more than I remember who gave me what bloody gift!

seashore22

Brighton belle - no, not the slightest bit offended.

Really feel for the op. It must be so distressing.