13 yr old daughter dating a 17yr old

jen007

bonjovibel_729 wrote: »

i dont think its the fact that she has done this with a nearly 18yr old is she issue if she had met him outside of cadets then i wud not be so concerned tho obv i wud be upset...its more the fact that this boy is in a position of authority and if he has got my daughter to do somethin like this how many other of the young and impressionable cadets has he done this to???

Stop jumping the gun. I will go as far to bet money on it that he has not taken advantage of your DD, or that of any other girl.
He's just being a boy, an immature one at that. Be thankful he stopped when your DD asked him to and respected her opinion on what she was ready for.


If he was a proper T.A Corporal who was there to actually do their jobs of looking after and training the youngsters (and being paid for it?) then i'd have a problem. But this is a young boy (I wouldn't call him an adult yet) who has a mutual pass time with your DD.

This is a learning curve for your and DD, and something you will have to get used to. In this day in age where underage sex is rising, I'd risk to say she may fall into this statistic just like every other Tom, !!!!!! and Sally.


The best you can do is educate her on safe sex and knowing when to speak up if she's uncomfortable about anything. And have an open door for her to come speak to you, without you blowing through the roof.

POPPYOSCAR

quinechinoise wrote: »

I think the next time your daughter tries dating a boy, of any age, she will cover her tracks better.

I, too, think you are causing a scene. Unless you have reason to believe that your daughter was coerced or is in danger, then it should be sufficient to talk to her about the risks of dating, etc. If not at cadets, the same situation may occur elsewhere and you can't lock her in an ivory tower.

When I was at school, one of the 6th formers dated a 2nd former. Quite openly - he took her to the prom as his official date. Admittedly, he also got a lot of teasing about her... but no one treated him like a criminal.

This will disappear faster if you play it down. Nothing is as attractive as the boyfriend your parents have banned. Better for both of them to continue attending cadets as normal. Peer pressure isn't always negative; their contemporaries will keep a better eye on them than you can - unless you go for the ivory tower option.

I think this is a good point.

Obviously you are right to be concerned but you do have to be careful how you react to this, as it may make your daughter more secretive in the future.

You also need to be sure of the facts, of course you should believe her, and take action, just be careful how you go about it.

asparagus1968

peachyprice wrote: »

You need to speak to the partol leader (or whatever it is they have) PDQ. This is not on, this 17yo is old enough to know better, is old enough to know it's wrong and will (should) have had it drummed into him at school that this is illegal.

Yes, a 13yo may have a crush on a 17yo, but it's up to the 17yo to stop anything happening. Why would a 17yo even be interested in a 13yo child, yuk.

Sorry to say, if it were me my daughter wouldn't be going back there until he has been told to back off and has acted upon it.

totally agree with this

Fire_Fox

There are two separate issues here, the teenage behaviour which you might not approve of and might take steps to prevent given her young age, but that is absolutely normal. Girls are more mature physically and emotionally than boys in this age group, in maturity terms there is probably only two years between them.

Then the fact that this is occurring as part of cadets, it's not appropriate for the young man to be engaging in sexual behaviour with someone in a junior position nor when you are working or volunteering. That holds true for all of us at all ages, learning that is part of maturing so this must be reported.

Faith177

bonjovibel_729 wrote: »

i dont think its the fact that she has done this with a nearly 18yr old is she issue if she had met him outside of cadets then i wud not be so concerned tho obv i wud be upset...its more the fact that this boy is in a position of authority and if he has got my daughter to do somethin like this how many other of the young and impressionable cadets has he done this to???

How has he got her to do anything she agreed to it.

Not being funny OP but have you ask your daughter why she agreed

You might even find that she doesn't see it that way. It might be that she has been flirting with him for a while and things have taken their natural course.

hawk30

bonjovibel_729 wrote: »

i dont think its the fact that she has done this with a nearly 18yr old is she issue if she had met him outside of cadets then i wud not be so concerned tho obv i wud be upset...its more the fact that this boy is in a position of authority and if he has got my daughter to do somethin like this how many other of the young and impressionable cadets has he done this to???

What do you mean by 'he has got my daughter to do something like this'? Is there anything to lead you to believe that it was non-consensual? I'm sorry, but you need to understand that your daughter is growing up and she will allow boys to kiss her, touch her, etc, and she will encourage their attentions. As others have said, make sure she has the confidence to say no (which it sounds like she does) and she understands that she should only have 'relations' with boys she trusts, loves, etc and how to set limits.

You have done the right thing in talking to the cadets, but please don't demonise this young man without further evidence. Yes, what he has done is wrong and he needs a stern talking to, but don't overreact.

Nicki

bonjovibel_729 wrote: »

i dont 'assume' he has but wud i wud not be ok if something worse happened to one of the girls there and i did not speak up about what happened with my daughter.....have u not seen the news recently???maybe i am being over cautious but i dont think saying after the event ' oh well i wish i had said something' will cut it....

if he has done nothing wrong then he will have nothing to worry about..

There is a gaping chasm of difference between a high profile and popular middle aged man forcing himself on young girls who are unable to say anything to anyone afterwards because they won't be believed, and a consensual kiss leading on to a quick fumble of a clothed boob (I imagine) with hand removed immediately it was asked between two teenagers attending a mutual activity though. Even if there is a 3 and a half to 4 year age gap between them and even if one is under the age of consent and the other is (only just) over it.

Is your DD in any way traumatised by what took place (other than your reaction to this) or was she hurt or coerced in any way?

Amanda65

bonjovibel_729 wrote: »

i dont think its the fact that she has done this with a nearly 18yr old is she issue if she had met him outside of cadets then i wud not be so concerned tho obv i wud be upset...its more the fact that this boy is in a position of authority and if he has got my daughter to do somethin like this how many other of the young and impressionable cadets has he done this to???

But from what you said earlier, it happened on the way to cadets, so not on their premises. I asked before if she already knew the boy or had met him at cadets and why they (presumably) were travelling there together on their own? Is he someone known to the family meaning you could speak to him and tell him your daughter is upset about what happened?

daisiegg

peachyprice wrote: »

Yeah, imagine, a 17yo boy completley ignoring having it drummed into him that touching a 13yo girl inappropriately can lead to being charged with statutory rape and being on the sex offenders register. What a wheeze:)

Really, it isn't beyond the average 17yo to be able to grasp that.

It is not necessarily the case that this is drummed into him! There's nothing about it on the PSHEE curriculum at my school.

3v3

bonjovibel_729 wrote: »

thanks but all this threatening with grassing her up happened at her dads house...we are seperated so i cannot control what goes on down there..

Totally agree that you have no control over what goes on down there. That goes without saying

However, you *do* have "control" regarding how acceptable, or otherwise, that type of behaviour is in your family unit, depending where it sits on your ethical barometer.

You can control how she could responds to this type of behaviour by explaining to her how others (her step sister, this cadet, *anyone*) manipulate peoples behaviour using certain techniques: it's called "power games" All children should be aware of manipulation/power games that other humans may play because they will come across it at school, the playground, clubs, work and all through their lives.

You've been presented with a wonderful opportunity to discuss particular aspects of human behaviour and her options on how to deal with that. You have a fabulous opportunity to reassess how she perceives what is meant by moral dilemas/being manipulated to do things against ones will (both by her step-sister and - allegedly - by this cadet) and to explore her own reasoning and understanding of these - in other words, how well your parenting to date has sunk in.

It may also be a very good time for you to think about how you would have reacted to your daughter being "grassed up" by her step-sister. How would you have taken it?
Would it have occurred to you that the girl may only be telling you because she is playing power games with your daughter? Trying to get her into trouble because she wouldn't do as she wanted? The betrayal of trust? Just as important (because the perceived threat worked on your daughter!) how does your daughter think you may have reacted to being told this by her step-sister?

If you take this opportunity to discuss with your daughter with the various options available to her when others are manipulating her, be it verbally, physically or psychologically, you will be giving her a magnificent gift that will last throughout her life: empowerment!!

No, you cannot control what happens when she is "down there"; neither can you control what happens when she is out of your sight and is put in a compromised situation; nor can you be physically with her 24/7. But, you can give her the skills and abilities so that she can control how she responds to those situations.