13 yr old daughter dating a 17yr old

bonjovibel_729

quinechinoise wrote: »

I think the next time your daughter tries dating a boy, of any age, she will cover her tracks better.

I, too, think you are causing a scene. Unless you have reason to believe that your daughter was coerced or is in danger, then it should be sufficient to talk to her about the risks of dating, etc. If not at cadets, the same situation may occur elsewhere and you can't lock her in an ivory tower.

When I was at school, one of the 6th formers dated a 2nd former. Quite openly - he took her to the prom as his official date. Admittedly, he also got a lot of teasing about her... but no one treated him like a criminal.

This will disappear faster if you play it down. Nothing is as attractive as the boyfriend your parents have banned. Better for both of them to continue attending cadets as normal. Peer pressure isn't always negative; their contemporaries will keep a better eye on them than you can - unless you go for the ivory tower option.

i dont think its the fact that she has done this with a nearly 18yr old is she issue if she had met him outside of cadets then i wud not be so concerned tho obv i wud be upset...its more the fact that this boy is in a position of authority and if he has got my daughter to do somethin like this how many other of the young and impressionable cadets has he done this to???

peachyprice

Lunar_Eclipse wrote: »

I can think of many reasons. I imagine that they could be of roughly equal maturity, additionally there are many 13 year old girls who look a lot older than 13 (and older than a fair number of 17 year old boys!)

I'm just thinking of my own 17yo boys and their friends, who all thinks it's just plain wrong and creepy when their friends little sister and her friends have crushes on them.

Perhaps it's because they have little sisters it makes them more aware that 13yo girls are too young for them.

bonjovibel_729

3v3 wrote: »

I agree with jen - most especially about not getting the Police involved at this point

Certainly, bring it to the attention of the CO first and then permit them the opportunity to sort it out; that may be enough. If it isn't and it happens again, then you can take it further because you can then mitigate any potential excuses (I didn't realise it was wrong blah blah blah)

I don't know that punishing your daughter and making it into a drama is the best course of action: ultimatums such as "if he stays you are no longer in cadets" is fairly unreasonable and I say this *because*:-

- all the while they are on cadet premises, they will be under the eyes of those present
- if his "inappropriate behaviour" occurred when they were on their way to cadets together, that is very easy to avoid; take her yourself.

Some have picked up on the seemingly emotional blackmail of this lad ... "if you tell I get into trouble" approach; forgive me for saying so, but that would appear to be the way your own family have approached this matter
Can't understand why her step sister would turn on her simply because her mum and your daughter's dad have a falling out? But, I would be wary that your daughter is already in family relationships whereby she is threatened with being grassed up (thus betraying the trust she gave this other girl). I'd be thinking very carefully about the message that sends out to her, particularly if it is true that this boy did indeed use a parallel argument to persuade her to not speak of it.

Good luck seeing the CO tonight; as difficult as it must be, do try not to go in heavy handed with both barrels blazing. You are the adult and it is up to you to present your position as calmly, yet assertively, as you can. Remember, this will be the first the CO has heard of it and it will be a shock for him, too! Give him a moment to digest what you tell him, take a deep breath while he gathers his thoughts and then listen to what he suggests. It's very important, at this stage, to understand you only have one side of the story and even that was given to you under duress! Let the CO hear both sides and decide his course of action.

thanks but all this threatening with grassing her up happened at her dads house...we are seperated so i cannot control what goes on down there....

peachyprice

Faith177 wrote: »

Like a hormonal boy is going to care about something he was told at school or pay attention to it lol

Yeah, imagine, a 17yo boy completley ignoring having it drummed into him that touching a 13yo girl inappropriately can lead to being charged with statutory rape and being on the sex offenders register. What a wheeze:)

Really, it isn't beyond the average 17yo to be able to grasp that.

Erinnire

bonjovibel_729 wrote: »

i dont think its the fact that she has done this with a nearly 18yr old is she issue if she had met him outside of cadets then i wud not be so concerned tho obv i wud be upset...its more the fact that this boy is in a position of authority and if he has got my daughter to do somethin like this how many other of the young and impressionable cadets has he done this to???

Why do you have to assume he's "done this" to other girls. Perhaps he just fancies your daughter, is that so hard to believe?!

You make this lad sound like a monster.

Faith177

A cadet corp doesn't actually have that much authority tbf.

They can do drill take final parade teach lessons but normally this is done by the more senior cadet NCO's.

Most of the Corps I met in my time use to just have to do a lot of running around doing thing the ones above didn't want too.

bonjovibel_729

Erinnire wrote: »

Why do you have to assume he's "done this" to other girls. Perhaps he just fancies your daughter, is that so hard to believe?!

You make this lad sound like a monster.

i dont 'assume' he has but wud i wud not be ok if something worse happened to one of the girls there and i did not speak up about what happened with my daughter.....have u not seen the news recently???maybe i am being over cautious but i dont think saying after the event ' oh well i wish i had said something' will cut it....

if he has done nothing wrong then he will have nothing to worry about..

thorsoak

bonjovibel_729 wrote: »

he knows its wrong as he told her he will get into trouble if i go and see the officers

This is what worries me: by telling your 13 year old daughter this, the 17 year old is putting her into a quandry - he knew that he had overstepped the mark(!) and as he is almost an adult, he should take all the responsibility for allowing this relationship to get to this situation.

Yes - you should tell the officers ....he may have had this sort of relationship before - at the very least, even if he is young for his age, he is still 4 years older than your daughter who is only just approaching adulthood.

bonjovibel_729

Faith177 wrote: »

A cadet corp doesn't actually have that much authority tbf.

They can do drill take final parade teach lessons but normally this is done by the more senior cadet NCO's.

Most of the Corps I met in my time use to just have to do a lot of running around doing thing the ones above didn't want too.

i just thought of it in a way that he is in a position that my daughter wud look up to as he is older and higher ranking than her

Faith177

peachyprice wrote: »

Yeah, imagine, a 17yo boy completley ignoring having it drummed into him that touching a 13yo girl inappropriately can lead to being charged with statutory rape and being on the sex offenders register. What a wheeze:)

Really, it isn't beyond the average 17yo to be able to grasp that.

Yes when they are getting up to things and lost in the moment

Also most 13 girls are a lot more mature then people give them credit for I know I was.

Also they may confuse statutory rape with rape. If the girl agreed and they stopped when she asked they may think that's ok