13 yr old daughter dating a 17yr old

Rosann

tell someone immediately!!! this boy sounds like he is seriously abusing his position, it is perfectly reasonable for your daughter to have been attracted to him, and at this age there was probs some reason that she felt that he liked her which means that he is being very inappropriate. Tell her that is what you are going to do, and if there is a huge family war, dont sweat it as she gets older she will realise that it was for the best and you had to do something!!!!

jen007

Judi wrote: »

When i met my first husband i was 15. He was 21. It was only when i had my own girls that i realized that technically, my parents could have had him hung drawn and quartered as he ought to have known better.

Not sure what it would have done though.

Yep, my first ever boyfriend was 22, I was 14 when I got my crush on him mid 15 when it actually turned into more.

We were together for almost a year, openly. When we first started dating I used to sneak out, albeit my Mum told me in recent years she knew about that. We're still friends to this day.
This is the guy I lost my virginity to and not once have I thought, 'you took advantage of me' ect.

OP I don't think this lad is a 'sexual predator' nor do I think the police should be involved. A stern talking to as what the law is should be enough. Could he be an immature 17 y/o who doesn't actually realise the law? (Some may think this is absurd, but it is possible)

I think your DD and his hormones have got in the way of common sense. I bet your DD thinks its cool to be 'dating' a Corporal in the T.A. It must be like a boy having a car.....I know at that age, I might have thought him and me were the bee's knees.

I know you may think you're DD is telling the truth, you and her may have a close and open relationship. I too had this with my Mum when I was younger. Doesn't mean to say I didn't tell her everything I got up to though, including my sexual relations.

daisiegg

Faith177 wrote: »

Girls at that age can be a law unto themeselves (please don't take offence OP). I know what I was like back then and the stuff I go up too so I speak from experience

I totally agree. I dated a 17 yr old when I was 13. Girls mature much more quickly than boys so that seems an age when they're about level! My almost-stepdaughter started going out with an 18 year old just before she turned 15, and nobody called the police (her mum apparently adored him!). It's just life, girls will always, always fancy older boys, and older boys will always be immature and have their heads turned by the adoration and attention from a pretty younger girl.

Yes, if the boy had pushed it when the girl said no more (which it sounds like he didn't) or if we were talking about an adult (17 is not) you might need to worry, but as it is, it was too teenagers fancying each other, a bit of a snog, he groped a bit too far, she said no and he stopped. I think you can put it down to hormones (on BOTH their parts) and make sure your daughter feels she can talk to you about this sort of thing in case anything else ever happens that you need to be concerned about. If you go in all guns blazing about this, she may never open up about anything again and next time it might be much less innocent.

3v3

I agree with jen - most especially about not getting the Police involved at this point

Certainly, bring it to the attention of the CO first and then permit them the opportunity to sort it out; that may be enough. If it isn't and it happens again, then you can take it further because you can then mitigate any potential excuses (I didn't realise it was wrong blah blah blah)

I don't know that punishing your daughter and making it into a drama is the best course of action: ultimatums such as "if he stays you are no longer in cadets" is fairly unreasonable and I say this *because*:-

- all the while they are on cadet premises, they will be under the eyes of those present
- if his "inappropriate behaviour" occurred when they were on their way to cadets together, that is very easy to avoid; take her yourself.

Some have picked up on the seemingly emotional blackmail of this lad ... "if you tell I get into trouble" approach; forgive me for saying so, but that would appear to be the way your own family have approached this matter

she did not tell me willingly.....
...she told my her dads then step daughter who is the same age....
.... then her dad fell out with his partner and her daughter threatened to tell everythin that my daughter had told her so told my daughter that i wud be best to come clean before this other girls grasses her up....

Can't understand why her step sister would turn on her simply because her mum and your daughter's dad have a falling out? But, I would be wary that your daughter is already in family relationships whereby she is threatened with being grassed up (thus betraying the trust she gave this other girl). I'd be thinking very carefully about the message that sends out to her, particularly if it is true that this boy did indeed use a parallel argument to persuade her to not speak of it.

Good luck seeing the CO tonight; as difficult as it must be, do try not to go in heavy handed with both barrels blazing. You are the adult and it is up to you to present your position as calmly, yet assertively, as you can. Remember, this will be the first the CO has heard of it and it will be a shock for him, too! Give him a moment to digest what you tell him, take a deep breath while he gathers his thoughts and then listen to what he suggests. It's very important, at this stage, to understand you only have one side of the story and even that was given to you under duress! Let the CO hear both sides and decide his course of action.

Bluemeanie_2

I haven't read the whole thread. I can't comment on the Cadet element/position of trust, but I can offer some insight into the brain of a 13 year old girl. I'm making major confessions here!
I was bought up very well, with a lovely home and all the stuff money could buy.
I have always been tall for my ages and was 5ft 11" by the age of 13 (luckily I stopped growing then). As a consequence I always looked older than I was. To the point of since about age 12 having to carry my passport around and arguing with the bus driver who always tried to make me pay full price (the age were I was 16 for full). I always used to get served at the off licence to from age 14 (never tried before. I'm 29 now, admittedly they weren't so strict when I was a kid).
I liked make up and at my school we didn't wear School uniform.
I "developed" very young and have been told since I was about 13 that I am mature for my age.
I have always been attracted to older men (I don't know whether this is a consequence of being mature??) and when I was 13, looking about 18 I used to date 17 year olds. I used to tell porkies and tell them I was 16. I didn't have sex with them but used to kiss and cuddle and do "other things". I was well educated about contraception and wanted more from my life than having a baby at 16 so it was never an issue of not taking care of myself. It was just a part of developing and exploring your sexuality/part of growing up.
I'm not saying that what he has done isn't wrong, but from her point of view, she probably has all kinds of hormones/desires racing around. A mature 13 year old girl, isn't that different in "real age terms" to a particularly immature 17 year old.
I just don't think you should be so hard on her. She will stop confiding in you. To be honest, I'd never dream of telling my parents who I'd snogged at age 13!

Lunar_Eclipse

peachyprice wrote: »

Why would a 17yo even be interested in a 13yo child, yuk. /QUOTE]

I can think of many reasons. I imagine that they could be of roughly equal maturity, additionally there are many 13 year old girls who look a lot older than 13 (and older than a fair number of 17 year old boys!)

I hate all this talk about predators. Let's keep calm. I can remember being about 11 and having a major crush on my babysitter who was 17 at the time. Nothing came of it and I wasn't remotely sexually active for years and years after that, so we really do not need to blow this out of proportion.

I'm not sure whether I would mention it to the cadets. If I did, it would be in an 'off the record' capacity, so that it was handled in a sensitive and age appropriate manner in keeping with his actions. I would also discuss it with my daughter, the main priority being to keep communication channels open. If she's sexually interested, locking her up won't help much if she has an ounce of determination and brains.

quinechinoise

bonjovibel_729 wrote: »

my daughter doesnt want me to cause a scene and has just s aid she will quit cadets but i still think i shud go talk to the officers what d u think??

I think the next time your daughter tries dating a boy, of any age, she will cover her tracks better.

I, too, think you are causing a scene. Unless you have reason to believe that your daughter was coerced or is in danger, then it should be sufficient to talk to her about the risks of dating, etc. If not at cadets, the same situation may occur elsewhere and you can't lock her in an ivory tower.

When I was at school, one of the 6th formers dated a 2nd former. Quite openly - he took her to the prom as his official date. Admittedly, he also got a lot of teasing about her... but no one treated him like a criminal.

This will disappear faster if you play it down. Nothing is as attractive as the boyfriend your parents have banned. Better for both of them to continue attending cadets as normal. Peer pressure isn't always negative; their contemporaries will keep a better eye on them than you can - unless you go for the ivory tower option.

peachyprice

Faith177 wrote: »

Age probably didn't even come into it for either of them. I think both of them have got carried away with hormones, plus being away from home with older people. After all she allowed him to do it and it has since stopped after she said no.

Oh, I'm sure it probably did come into it. It's one thing they drum into them in school during their PSEC lessons. I'm sure at 17 he knows full well 13yo girls are off limits.

Faith177

peachyprice wrote: »

Oh, I'm sure it probably did come into it. It's one thing they drum into them in school during their PSEC lessons. I'm sure at 17 he knows full well 13yo girls are off limits.

Like a hormonal boy is going to care about something he was told at school or pay attention to it lol

bonjovibel_729

have just spoken to officer in charge and he was quite off hand about it he said they do discourage dating between cadets but didnt really seem to kno what to do...have left my number and he is going to talk to a more senior officer to see what action if any needs to happen