Affair - should I stay or should I go?

ukbandit

sorry to hear about your situation.

there are two reasons to tell the husband.

1 - for revenge - this is no reason really, its selfish.
2 - because he deserves to know.

for me, i would tell the husband because of 2. the thing to consider is this.
if your other half was having an affair, wouldn't you want to be told, no matter how painful?
he has the right to know that his wife has been unfaithful, and she has no right to ask you to keep quiet. i'm astounded she has even asked you to be honest.

regarding your future husband, its tricky, but are again theres a black and white line. can you ever trust him again? if you can then ok, if you can't well theres no worse way of getting married then distrusting that someone. what are you going to be thinking for the next 30/40/50 years?

desperate_lou

sportbeth wrote: »

No you're right, I think she would go and do it again. And it's like reporting a crime, I want more than anything to make sure that no-one ever has that amount of damage done to them like I have had done to me.

It is a tough one. Any more thoughts anyone?

Hi

Have only just started eading through this tread so apologies if i ve not taken it all in. What is the situation with you and other half, ie are you still getting married this year / you still talking and trying to work things out etc

lou

SUESMITH_2

tell him - she has no right to beg you not to tell. he needs to know

Jet

paddy's_mum wrote: »

In the final analysis, it is your man who has cheated on you. She is but the accessory and an onlooker could go so far as to say that she had no moral obligations whatever to you. The wrong was committed by him and it is him I would find so very hard to forgive.

This is a very good point. I see it time and time again. Two women hating each other while the cheating man in the centre of it, sits back and relishes the attention these two women are giving him.

I too agree that you should be concentrating on your relationship with HIM and nobody else and if that means to walk away, then so be it.

belfastgirl23

I know in this situation if i told it would be for revenge and I would be sick with myself afterwards for doing something motivated by spite. I'm not saying I wouldn't do it, just that I would find it hard to live with myself afterwards, esp if the marriage broke up and the kids were affected. Only you can decide if you can do it with a clear conscience....

Really sorry to hear about it all though, I'll bet it's almost a relief to have it out in the open and know that you can at least trust your own instincts...

morg_monster

One thing to add to the pot is that if you don't tell the OH, you can be 99% sure that this woman will do this again in the future with someone else, and probably again, and her husband WILL find out. From the sound of her she's been unfaithful before and these serial adulterers, well really they can't just stop. So, you could see it two ways -
1) You should tell him now - you are just bringing forward the inevitable. He will eventually find out about one of the affairs and it will then split their family. Better to do it sooner rather than later?
2) You shouldn't tell him - you don't want to be responsible for pain to her OH and kids, but you can appease your conscience with the knowledge that she will be found out eventually.

Personally, I would tell the husband. I really genuinely think that he will find out soon enough what an unfaithful cow his wife is. If it isn't this week with your fiance, then it will be next month or next year with someone else. He may already suspect - you have concrete proof and can show him this. In the future he may not have this proof of an affair and the suspicion and lack of trust could cause a more prolonged split if she kept denying it.

It is absolutely gutting that there are kids involved, but I really think with a mother like this they are going to experience the pain of their parents splitting one day. It is just a question of when, not if. Its also worth remembering that however much of a cow this lady is, its unlikely that her husband will tell small kids the true reason behind the split, and also remember that you aren't going to deprive the kids of having a mum and a dad - they just won't be living in the same house. I'm not underestimating the effect on these children, but I just don't think its as simple as "there are kids involved, so I can't tell him". Also bear in mind that if you don't tell now and the husband finds out about another affair in a few years, there could be more kids in the family to be hurt by then.

However - I think more important than whether you tell the husband, is what you are going to do about your relationship. I think you need to decide this first. Your first responsibility MUST be to your own well being and happiness and it sounds like you don't have too much of that at the moment. You don't want to have to cope with this husband's pain if your own is still unresolved.

I wish you all the best with whatever you decide to do, this is a horrid situation xx

bunty109

((beth))

So sorry it's not turned out well for you.

I'd be in your dilemma to. I think I'd also be in a situation where I would want to tell the husband for revenge and maybe could live to regret what I did.

In circumstances where I want to vent, I tend to write things down, much as you have done here. Write down what you would say to the husband in the form of a letter or e-mail and then sit on it. Often the act of just having written it all down really helps. You don't have to send it unless you later decide it's the best thing to do, but writing it now will capture all the feelings you have.

Maybe you could show it to your OH so he gets some idea of what you've been through.

Thinking about you xx

paddy's_mum

In a sentence of ten words or less .... She is not your problem - he is!

sadmummy

First of all, I hope that everything works out for you.

If you tell the other woman's husband, there is nothing to stop her from setting up home with your OH. After all, she has no pretence to keep up, her husband will ditch her (according to her) and your OH has no obstacles from dallying with her or you or her and you.

Your OH will not change after marriage. If he was tempted once then he will find it hard to resist temptation again. If he can lie to you now, with no kids to consider, he will lie to you later when it is important to keep the roof over you and your children's heads. And he will keep convincing you that he is the one in the right and you are a crazy woman to object to women ringing him at all hours. That does not make him a bad man, just one who is trying to cover up a guilty conscience.

I am sorry if this sounds hard. It is an awful position to be in. I imagine that you are hurting a lot and want to lash out. I am sure in the past you have lashed out on impulse, and have had to sort out consequences, although nothing as awful as this, but the sort of comment that you can't hold back. If you can deal with the consequences then it is up to you - there has been a lot said for and against telling the woman who is putting you and potentially her husband and kids through the wringer. If she had thought more about them in the first place, no-one would be in this position.

My OH has never, to my knowledge, been unfaithful, so I cannot give any insight from that perspective. I will say that all the faults I see in him now, and all the problems we have had in nearly 20 years of marriage, were very clear to me before we married. I thought marriage would help and it didn't. He hasn't changed, and his character flaws are just as strong or weak as they ever were. I ignored them, and I regret it. Do you think in twenty years time he will still look you in the eye even though you have proof? Is it out of character now? Or is it something in him that likes the adoration?

If you are sure of him, tell the woman's husband. When she is easily available she may not be so attractive. Get married and gloat over it on your wedding anniversary. If you are not sure of him, dump him, take the financial hit and get on with your life, gloating over having a happy and fulfilled time without him. Do not get married thinking that you can always get a divorce. Look on these boards - divorce is gruesome.

I really, sincerely hope that you find happiness. Whatever happens, there are a lot of good men out there, and there is a lot of love. The part of this that I really hope you take to heart is don't get so caught up in this that you lose chances to be happy. Good luck.

daphne_descends

I agree with Lynz - and I would definitely tell him. You owe her nothing - and if I were in your shoes I don't think I'd want the witch being 'grateful' for my silence.