Affair - should I stay or should I go?

sportbeth

Jeez.

cut a very long story short.

Suspect OH of having had a one night stand and carrying on contact with the woman.

Found text messages, argued about it and he went off to think for a few days telling me he was confused and didn't know what he wanted (Whilst insisting there is nothing there in this other woman's story)

Since then he's come back, told me he's sorted out what he wants, that it's me and everything is all back on. He refuses to talk about the other party involved and has even looked me in the eye and said "I would never, ever lie to you". Since then as far as he is concerned I have dropped the conversation and I don't know as much as i do

Since then (this is about a fortnight so far) I get the impression he has has his fingers burnt and dropped everything with her (she is married with kids)

However. I have taken copies of all the e-mails between them, I know it went farther than he would admit to and can't bear not to trust him anymore. It's tearing me up the more I think about marrying a man who has lied to my face. I can't eat, can't sleep, can't work and really don't know what to do

Do I :-

A) Get on with everything knowing that I caught him and in time I will be happy again

Tell him I've got concrete evidence and demonstrate how downright sneaky and untrusting I have been?

The sad and shocking thing is that I could almost begin to forgive him and I would do anything to make it work but without being told the truth I've got no trust at all anymore for him.

What would you do?

cooperbob

I know I dont condone what he's done in anyway, but it does seem easier for a man to do things like that and have no attachment to those they are doing it with.
Maybe its time to get proffessional assistance with your relationship and think of this as a warning . It will take a long time to build up that trust again.

alwaysonthego_2

How long have you been together? Do you have children?

Personally I would tell your oh he needs to start talking, tell him you want the truth otherwise you will go your seperate ways. If you have children then it makes it more difficult, but I take it you don't. If there is no trust then there is no point, yes it will blooming hurt like mad, but you will be happy again and meet someone that is worthy.

If you decide to stay together then you will have to let it go, but in my experience it does rot a relationship. I wouldn't worry about how you came across this, you had a reason to be sneaky and your instincts proved right.

daphne_descends

What would I do?

I would leave. I think leaving would hurt more than staying and I'd be broken hearted for god only knows how long.

I could've forgive an affair, even if I wanted to, because I don't think I'd ever get over it. And you either have to forgive completely or not at all. I'd be one of those people that would pretend everything was all right but then bring it up in rows to get back at him or take the upper hand.

A) Get on with everything knowing that I caught him and in time I will be happy again

What if you don't catch him in time in the future?


An ex-OH 'tried' an affair with a girl he worked with. He was besotted with her and I could see that, it made my heart freeze but I ignored it for so long. Then one day he didn't come home from work until the next day and he was distraught, he'd been crying, was still drunk apparently and had tried to cut his arm with a razor blade - she had rejected him because she was happy with her boyfriend.
I left within the week, packed my things and came 300 miles home, never looked back.

But everyone has an anecdote :-)

Sorry you're going through this, and I hope you make the right decision.

Dan_Thunder

Without knowing what this 'proof' you have is it's hard to offer any definitive advice. You say that you know it went further than he said it did but can you really be certain?

It can be easy to see what you want to see in something. Re-examine the messages, can they actually verify your boyfriends claim as opposed to proving he's lied?

You are entitled to discuss this issue regardless of whether he wants to or not. If he truly wants to be with you then he should understand that you need to resolve this issue not sweep it under the carpet.

Ask him why he felt the need to re-assess your relationship and potentially break up.

I'd be wary of showing him your 'evidence'. If he has done something and you catch him out I assume you'll break up. If he genuinely hasn't done anything then he may break up with you over the lack of trust.

Maybe there's some devious way you can surreptitiously prod him and see if he denies or acknowledges being in E-mail contact with this woman. If he denies it then I'd guess there's no harm in showing him the e-mails.

Sorry to hear about this by the way.

Welshlassie

Hi Sportbeth
Sorry this has happened I recall you are due to get married soon. I think you need to sit him down and explain to him your inability to trust him fully anymore and that this effecting whether you want to marry him or not. you need to get this sorted before you marry him as you may just end up resenting him in the future if it is not resolved now.

Try writing down everything you want to get resolved with him, before you talk to him, this will help to keep you focussed and on track. It will be difficult, but it needs to be done.

If you don't trust him fully, you can't marry him and he needs to know this.

good luck.

Curious_George_2

sportbeth wrote: »

Jeez.
Tell him I've got concrete evidence and demonstrate how downright sneaky and untrusting I have been?

Im really sorry to hear your news,

I have quoted the above bit and i want you to read it again....
if he really has been playing around then which one of you has been the sneaky one?
if you have reason to believe he has been having an affair then of course your going to look for evidence, your only human... any of us would do it.

your going to have to confront him, dont start by waving your print outs in his face but you need to talk about it, tell him that your having trouble believeing him... you have heard that it went a lot further than he is admitting and that you need to know,
tell him that you feel hurt and you dont feel you can trust him at the moment, you have every right to ask him what really happened
that is of course if you actually want to know.

just remember... if you KNOW he had an affair and he knows you have let him get away with it... you have just written him a licence to do it again.
if there is no come backs for this behavoiur... what is to stop him?

even if you think you can forgive... please dont be a door mat, it will destroy your self esteem and without that life can get unbearable.

Spendless

sportbeth wrote: »

Jeez.

Found text messages, argued about it and he went off to think for a few days telling me he was confused and didn't know what he wanted (Whilst insisting there is nothing there in this other woman's story)

Since then he's come back, told me he's sorted out what he wants, that it's me and everything is all back on. He refuses to talk about the other party involved and has even looked me in the eye and said "I would never, ever lie to you".
However. I have taken copies of all the e-mails between them, I know it went farther than he would admit to and can't bear not to trust him anymore. It's tearing me up the more I think about marrying a man who has lied to my face. I can't eat, can't sleep, can't work and really don't know what to do

Do I :-

A) Get on with everything knowing that I caught him and in time I will be happy again

Tell him I've got concrete evidence and demonstrate how downright sneaky and untrusting I have been?

The sad and shocking thing is that I could almost begin to forgive him and I would do anything to make it work but without being told the truth I've got no trust at all anymore for him.

What would you do?

I believe that you don't know what you will do until you are actually put in that position. I can also see that perhaps people should get a second chance. I have never been in this position, I am basing my answer on what I have seen of my closest friends marriage who has been in this situation.
You are describing yourself as 'sneaky and untrusting' when YOU haven't done anything wrong. He has and then not admitted it. My friends husband has had at least 3 affairs (that we know of, I suspect there are more) each time it is a closed case and not up for discussion. Consequently nothing is learnt from the situation.

My advice go to him with what you have found. Either you will get to bottom of it and can work out why it happened and learn to trust again or you can get shut off him. To me you can only gain by speaking up.

Good luck whatever you decide.

nickyhutch

I agree with George. If you do have concrete evidence, it seems you were right to be untrusting. I really see nothing wrong with checking up on a partner, and wouldn't mind a partner checking up on me if he were suspicious.

sportbeth

Thanks for all the replies. We have been together 2 1/2 years, no kids but we do have a house together. We are/were due to get married in November. Part of me just wants to tell her husband and go to him with the proof just to stick the knife in but my parents divorced when I was young and I couldn't seriously plant that on someone else

The proof I have is in a number of ways. Him telling her how much he is missing her, referring to that "one night" (I know they were both there and I wasn't) him talking about his filthy dreams of her. I even know that he has talked to her about me as if I'm the last thing on his mind.

I would hope though that if the shoe was on the other foot he would want to talk to me and I would want to do everything I could to make it right. I have never had an affair but I have been dumped very unceremoniously because of one so I would never ever go there.

I think I've got to sit him down calmly and talk to him about what I know he knows I know (he knows I've been through the texts and there is enough there to start a debate) Then I've just got to keep my cool I guess.

Curious_George_2

sportbeth wrote: »

Part of me just wants to tell her husband and go to him with the proof

and there is the next question....
if you have absolute concrete proof of an affair, do you think her OH has the right to know?
despite you describing it as sticking the knife in and maybe feeling responsible for the outcome, its totally not your fault if they break up.... its hers, she had the affair so its her risking her marriage.
you and her husband are the innocent parties in this,
If she knew about you (which it sounds like she did) why should she get away with it when you and your OH are going through this terrible time?