Affair - should I stay or should I go?

Angel777

Really sorry that you are going through a hard time.

I suppose you cannot move on truly until you know all of the facts.

I would need to talk about it and lay all cards on the table. He needs to know how you are feeling as otherwise you two will carry on with this issue unresolved and its not something you can forget about and move on.

If you are planning to spend the rest of your life with someone he cannot expect you to just get on with things knowing full well that he has not been truthful with you.

It will probably take time for you to trust him again, you have to talk about him and get some answers as to why he did it in the fitrst place.

I hope that you will sort things out for your health/sanity.

Take care.

bunty109

I'd be inclined to sit your OH down and tell him how you feel: that you strongly suspect there was a one night stand and that it is tearing you apart that he may have lied to you. Maybe you could stress that you think you could forgive and work through an affair, but if you found out he lied to you, that would be unforgiveable?

I think you are probably right in that going away to have a think about your relationship are the actions of a guilty man. Maybe he thinks if he tells you he did something with this woman then you would end it with him? Maybe - just maybe - he is telling you the truth?


Whatever you do, you need to be certain that you can marry this man and he needs to be clear that you cannot marry him if you suspect he is a liar.

Good luck huns xx

Jet

An affair I could forgive, although it would depend on the circumstances, what I could never forgive is the lies and deception.

For that reason, I would walk and indeed did so.

But I'm not in your shoes and don't have your circumstances.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

ktb

If he had come and opened up to you about everything rather than you catching him out then I would say there might be a slim chance that you might be able to salvage your relationship.

He is due to marry you in Nov and is telling another woman how much he misses her and telling her intimate & sexual details about his dreams.... surely only you, as the women he is planning to spend the rest of his life with, should be privy to all that sort of stuff.

Whether he has actually been physical with her or not he has massively disrespected and devalued your relationship with what he has done. Surely you deserve better than someone so willing to get intimate (even if he's not done so physically) with another woman behind your back?

Personally I feel that you should get out whilst you can... it may only be flirtation/fantasy at the moment, but someone capable of that sort of thing now is more than capable of taking it further and will only make your life miserable in the future.. also by then you might have kids and that is going to make everything far more difficult and heartbreaking.

Good luck with confronting him again... I think staying cool is definitely the only way to get to the bottom of it all. Anger just clouds everything.

sleepymy

Do you think that he can really love you when he can a. be emotionally intimate with another woman and b. not even try to earn your forgiveness for it?

I'm sorry, but if my husband did that I would leave him as he would me and I wouldn't blame him if I messed around.

If he's doing this at this stage what's it going to be like when the everyday mundane life of marriage sets in (yes, yes there are exciting bits but you all know what I mean).

I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

sportbeth

bunty109 wrote: »

I'd be inclined to sit your OH down and tell him how you feel: that you strongly suspect there was a one night stand and that it is tearing you apart that he may have lied to you. Maybe you could stress that you think you could forgive and work through an affair, but if you found out he lied to you, that would be unforgiveable?

I think you are probably right in that going away to have a think about your relationship are the actions of a guilty man. Maybe he thinks if he tells you he did something with this woman then you would end it with him? Maybe - just maybe - he is telling you the truth?


Whatever you do, you need to be certain that you can marry this man and he needs to be clear that you cannot marry him if you suspect he is a liar.

Good luck huns xx

You are right. I would do my damndest to forgive an affair. At the moment as it stands, I want to know why and how to stop it happening again and just to understand a little bit of why it happened. I can't get past the lies though.

poppyscorner

Hi there,

Just thought I would give you my experience on this my circumstances were different though I had a baby boy in 2003 (feb) in Oct of the same year I noticed my hubby very close to my neighbour (my best friend at that time) she was married and like my little sister Iloved her as a sister and trusted her completely my hubby I loved completely aswell and trusted him they seemed to be getting very close she denied anything would ever happen between them and made me feel guilty for daring to think it 2 days later hubby said he fancied her and wanted to go to his mums for some space I let him go helped him pack and gave him a hug he ran away with my best friend he came back 2 weeks later to see our son cried the entire time said he loved and missed me and our son and wanted us to sort things out.
He left the girl and we started talking I agreed to give things another go but I had to know what happened when it started what happened between them down to conversations they had and any sexual activity that had occured without him telling all I wouldn't have given things another go I couldn't move on otherwise.
Things have worked for us we got married in October 2005 and I have never looked back it wasnt easy at first and I did find myself checking up on him quite a bit but I got to thinking that if he was going to cheat he would do it whether I checked or not but if he did he would loose me and the opportunity to live with us both I dont believe he has ever cheated again and we are close I trust him completely.
I am not saying this will work for you or indeed that it would work for anyone else but I think it depends on you and on him and the circumstances around the said affair before my hubby had one things had not been right between us for a while but I hadn't noticed.
If something has gone on you have a right to know what exactly has happened so you can make an informed decision about what you do next I made my choice after I had all of the information I do not regret it and never throw it back in his face it would never work like that just thought I would share my experience of it with you .
I wish you well and hope you make the right choices for you and your relationship take it one step at a time and remember you are the innocent party in all of this pm me if you like Amanda x

snugglepuss_2

Just a quick thought - if things can't be resolved, or you can't stay in the house as friends, a few people have suggested you walk. DON'T! I wish I hadn't when I found out that my ex-hubby had been playing away (and it wasn't just the once) and lying to me for a long time. I wish I had kicked him out instead. Mine was a difficult situation - couldn't bear to be in the same place as him and I was miles away from my friends and family, so I left and lost out financially. I'm not saying that this would be the situation with you, but it is what happened to me.

People might think of it as cruel in asking him to leave, but why should you be homeless because of something he has done, if indeed he has lied to you and cheated on you?

victory

It is the lies that will tear you apart not the affair...to be with someone you need complete 100% trust....if you absolutely know he has lied to you it will eat you up and so much emotion will go into where is he? what is he doing? what is he thinking? why did this happen?

Communication is the key to this one but honest talk not letting him just say to you what you want to hear as that will resolve nothing.

Some damage has been done by him having the affair the catalyst is the lying....

ailuro2

Ultimatum time- tell him the wedding's off until you get straight answers. Only issue ultimatuims if you will stick by the threat though.
Don't let on about how much you know, just tell him if he won't tell you the truth then it's all over. If he lies then it's over.Sorry but you are young there are no kids and you deserve better.

I've been there got the t shirt and we survived, but it takes a lot of honesty to get to a place where you nearly forget.

Best of luck to you.