Affair - should I stay or should I go?

anguk

I don't understand why he would need to go off for a few days to work out what he wanted if he hadn't had an affair. I'm probably being very cynical but if it was my partner I'd be wondering if he only came back because the other woman wasn't willing to end her marriage for him and I couldn't bear to be 2nd best.

I agree with the others you really need to talk to him and lay all your cards on the table, you're due to be married later this year and you can't do that with any doubts or it'll never work. An affair can be forgiven but continuing to lie about it is another matter.

Zara33

Don't rush into anything, be clear in your mind what you want.

MXW

something very similar happended to me, but I went ahead and married him anyway. He then did it again a few years later (with someone else) now we are divorced. You must go with your gut instinct.

Good luck x

inkie

I think once the trust has gone, then there cannot be any future in a relationship.

1sttimer_2

Sportbeth (((((hugs))))) to you

You must be hurting like hell at the moment and so confused. This happened to me (and it seems we're not the only ones!) almost 2 years ago. My OH had an internet affair which in my eyes is just as deceitful as any other type of affair. When I found out he immediately confessed and ended it, and we talked it out. Unlike you, I didn't have this site to ask for advice on, and I told no-one at all about it, so whatever choices I made, were mine alone. We had been married for 27+ years and have 2 grown up daughters who love their father and it would have ruined their lives, and I wasn't about to let that happen, so I did my best to come to terms with it and forgave him. (That part was easy, it's the forgetting which is very very hard, if not impossible, although it does get a little easier with time.)

It seems to me now that although I'm glad we did what we did in continuing our marriage, I wish I had others advice and I think I may have acted a little quickly in the forgiving part as he now thinks that it was just a little 'accident' and doesn't really think it was too big an event. He told me things he thought was right at the time (and I believed it all - sucker/naive or what!) but it did take a lot of talking/listening to sort it out. He said it was just something that happened and it didn't occur to him that it was going to hurt me as he was never going to leave me and he 'said' that he really loved me (REALLY!!) The other person also contacted me to apologise and she was, and is, a lovely lady and I now can see that it WAS just one of those things that took over his/their lives and thoughts for a short while.

I do trust him now, but am totally aware of what he is doing in his spare time and if he suspects that I'm checking up on him, he doesn't show it. He has become a more generous person that he ever was (he was the original Yorkshire miserly tyke!) and we do have some great times together with decent holidays and weekends away.

I went with my gut instinct because it was all I had, but if he ever even contemplate this again, then he would have to go. Once can be classed as an accident, twice is on purpose.

Good luck in your decision, it will be a hard one to make, but you know yourself and your OH like no-one else, and once you've made your choice you must stick with it or you will never feel rid of it. If you do decide to stay together, it will take some time for your relationship to get anywhere near what is was if you want it to, but it could even get better if you both work it through.

My thoughts are with you. :grouphug:

Imelda

Hi Sportbeth,
I thought I would give you the benefit of my experiences.
When I moved in with my ex-OH (miles away from friends and family) I noticed that he was particularly close to one of his female friends, I asked him about it and he laughed it off, I didn't worry- she lived with her boyfriend and seemed friendly towards me. Then things started to happen, he would "bump into" her on the train home, go for a few drinks and not get home until late. He started receiving calls from her on his "work" mobile (even I wasn't allowed the number). All the time I asked him if anything was going on, he convinced me I was the mad paranoid one. I finally caught them together. It seems it had been going on ages, and the only reason he bought a house with me was to spite her for not leaving her boyfriend. We had only been in the house for 7 weeks. I left, I wanted nothing more to do with him, his parents had all my belongings packed into my car and delivered to my parents house within 2 hours (they never did like me!). A week later his parents' solicitor sent me forms to sign to give the house to my ex, I just signed them, all I got from him was my half of that month's mortgage payment back. I later saw the house on rightmove, it had gone up in value dramatically and it was heartbreaking to see all of her stuff in there alongside the furniture I had picked out (she was dumped by her OH, he called me after the event and begged for me to tell him if anything was going on between the two of them, I didn't want to tell him as I thought that would make it easier for my ex and her to get together).
I'm just saying, think very carefully, you must be emotional right now- keep your wits about you x

lynzpower

I also have reservations about "wanting space to work out wwhat he wants" If hes not had an affir, why the need? If you are to be his life partner, why run away from discussion.

i have a tale too. My OH asked me on the first date "if you fancied somone else and you were going out with me what would you do?" My response would be, well if I was in a relationship with you, I take it that you would be my best freind & confidant. (sp) If I was worried about cheating Id want to talk if over with you first, maybe its an underlying problem with me/us etc.

I know this sounds so cheesy , but I believe this to date. I have not looked at another man since meeting my OH and once when he was a bit insecure he asked me if Id been with someone else ( I hadnt, he was just feeling a bit vulnerable) after thinking about it, I actually felt physically sick the idea of someone else touching me in that way made my skin crawl. even tho it wasnt a specific person, just the idea of it made me feel sick .

I dont know really what Im saying here, but I would worry BIG TIME if My oH or me even COULD think about someone else in a overtly sexual way.

I personally ( like Alan sugar, I dont like liars, I dont like shmoozers I dont like bullsh**ters) , wouldnt even consider tolerating any more bullsh*t, this i need space business seems to be an opportunity for him to create a situation where YOU want him to come home. and then he can come back a few days later going its YOU ive chosen. BUt is it? Or is it just easier to swallow this and carry on, depsite over the longer term things being beyond difficult.

Personally, I dont think Id even consider taking him back - let him go and have seedy affairs, your best off out of it, you are worth more and you know it.

Whatever you do, dont YOU DARE take responsbility for whats gone on here. HE has chosen to play away. HE has chosen to undermine your relationship & trust HE has chosen to lie to the person hes meant to be spending his life with. if you cant believe him now can you believe him on your wedding day?

IU really dont want to sound too harsh there, its not my intention, but please play this very carefully, and keep focused on what YOU want and need out of life.

Hugs to you sugar xxx

Justie

Sorry to hear that sportsbeth

It's very easy to do the 'I could never forgive, therefore you must leave' thing and whilst many relationships break up because of affairs there are also many where the affair is the catalyst to sorting out outstanding issues in the relationship and make it stronger. Ultimately only you and your OH can do this and whatever advice you get on here or from friends is just that, advice.

As has been said I would put plans for the wedding on hold for a while (not cancel it but just not do anything about it for a few weeks or a couple of months). Your OH says 'nothing happened'. You feel as though you have evidence that 'something' happened. There may be a difference in terminology going on here... sometimes men (and indeed women if they're the wanderers) feel as though an affair is only an affair if intercourse has happened. So it may be that although they have had a night 'together' and may well have crossed the line that they didn't actually do the deed and so he is being honest with you in that 'nothing' happened even though he's misbehaved. You will never know unless you can actually talk to him about it.

My advice about the other woman and her husband is to keep well out of it. Your hurt and pain is between you and your OH and telling the other husband won't make you feel any better and may in fact make you feel worse.

I can understand your OH wanting time out to assess the relationship - marriage is a big thing and it's not uncommon for the build up to it to create a feeling of what ifs or wondering if you're making the right decision. A good friend of mine cheated 6 months before they were due to get married but soon realised that she didn't want the new guy she just wasn't ready yet to get married. Her OH took her back and they married a couple of years later and have a lovely child. The answer of course is to talk to your partner about it not to explore on your own but it isn't always that simple.

If you can't get your OH to talk to you about it then ask if he will go and see Relate or someone with you - unless you can lay this to rest you'll never be able to trust him again.

I don't believe that we as human beings are perfect nor that relationships are as black and white as 'thou must never think of someone else in a sexual way'. There are many ways in which relationships are successful and everyone is different. In the end you are the only one who knows if you can live with your OH for all his faults or not...

But if it does all go pear shaped as has been said, don't let it be you who leaves!

Psykicpup

Sorry if you have posted again since 1st post OP...
you need to be honest with him
Ok so you have the 'proof' but the same sentance can be read differing ways by diff people.
Tell him you have this 'evidence' that there is more than he is admitting too & ask him to be honest in return. He may be able to explain everything you have found or not but by hidding the info you have you are lying too in a way.
Only you can decide what action to take but you need the facts from him - its seems that is the thing thats eating you up the most that he MIGHT be lying....

sportbeth

Justie wrote: »

Sorry to hear that sportsbeth

It's very easy to do the 'I could never forgive, therefore you must leave' thing and whilst many relationships break up because of affairs there are also many where the affair is the catalyst to sorting out outstanding issues in the relationship and make it stronger. Ultimately only you and your OH can do this and whatever advice you get on here or from friends is just that, advice.

As has been said I would put plans for the wedding on hold for a while (not cancel it but just not do anything about it for a few weeks or a couple of months). Your OH says 'nothing happened'. You feel as though you have evidence that 'something' happened. There may be a difference in terminology going on here... sometimes men (and indeed women if they're the wanderers) feel as though an affair is only an affair if intercourse has happened. So it may be that although they have had a night 'together' and may well have crossed the line that they didn't actually do the deed and so he is being honest with you in that 'nothing' happened even though he's misbehaved. You will never know unless you can actually talk to him about it.

My advice about the other woman and her husband is to keep well out of it. Your hurt and pain is between you and your OH and telling the other husband won't make you feel any better and may in fact make you feel worse.

I can understand your OH wanting time out to assess the relationship - marriage is a big thing and it's not uncommon for the build up to it to create a feeling of what ifs or wondering if you're making the right decision. A good friend of mine cheated 6 months before they were due to get married but soon realised that she didn't want the new guy she just wasn't ready yet to get married. Her OH took her back and they married a couple of years later and have a lovely child. The answer of course is to talk to your partner about it not to explore on your own but it isn't always that simple.

If you can't get your OH to talk to you about it then ask if he will go and see Relate or someone with you - unless you can lay this to rest you'll never be able to trust him again.

I don't believe that we as human beings are perfect nor that relationships are as black and white as 'thou must never think of someone else in a sexual way'. There are many ways in which relationships are successful and everyone is different. In the end you are the only one who knows if you can live with your OH for all his faults or not...

But if it does all go pear shaped as has been said, don't let it be you who leaves!

Hi All,

Many thanks for all the supportive comments. It's been a long week!

We had a talk on Wednesday night (I hadn't eaten for about two days and had a bit of a wobble on the way home from work) and although not intentional, a lot of it came out.

I didn't tell him the extent of what I know but I quoted as many references to him as I could without laying it on too much (I'd like to keep something up my sleeve)

Situation is that he did have an answer for a lot of it. Whether or not I believe him totally is another matter. And it's really hard to make a snap decision for me. I like to calm down a lot before I work through things in my head and knowing my temperament I think that's wise.

I appreciate the comments that do say that sometimes these things can make you stronger as a couple. And part of me thinks that the toughest part of this is the fact that I never everthought he would ever intentionally do this to me. The people that I have told that do know him really do think it would have been out of character if he has slept with her and I would like to take my time, sit and think and plan my next move.

Hard as that may be, there are also selfish reasons. I'm not in a position to move out and neither is he, we've only had the house a year and it's a fresh mortgage, I might have to leave my job if I do go and I certainly would take the kind of action to just go off around the world for a while to sort my head out. I'm not the kind who can face these things very well.

So I know in my head that telling him what I know now won't provoke any kind of confession (he really seemed to do quite well talking his way out of it but believe me, what I have read is conclusive that there was at least one night of some sort of physical contact whether or not it went all the way or not.)

I sat on the train the other night crying my eyes out on the way home thinking how much I hated her. She's sat at home with her husband and two kids and not a look backwards or a care about me. My marriage and all my plans could now be shattered. But if they are, then him and me both miss out over something that he could honestly have been kicking himself over for months and sworn in his mind that he will never ever do again (I know, it could go the other way too!)

But at least if I get myself together, time might sort things out a bit and we could be really happy. There have been plenty of examples of it on here. Time will also give me the space to decide for myself if I can get on with this or if I need to get out. I want it to be my decision and not his, that's even harsher that his screw up shuts me out and breaks my heart. If anyone's going to do any heartbreaking I think it should be my turn if the time and the circumstances are right, I deserve that opportunity.

Yes I will never forget and I don't know if I will forgive. But I might understand one day and that's a start. And if I don't I will dump him gloriously rather than being the dumpee. And I am resigned in my head that once is a mistake. Twice is a habit and he will be out the door quicker than he can blink.