Affair - should I stay or should I go?

snowmaid

Good luck with whatever direction you find most suitable for you.

Bearing in mind that it takes '2 to tango', you say that the 'other woman' is married. It is possible, just possible, that she is 'bored' or 'insecure', who really knows, but not content in her relationship and perhaps made a 'play' for your partner?

This does not let him off the hook, because he should have given the shove if this was the case. But bearing in mind that most men would view such attentions as an opportunity for a 'quickie' :rolleyes: , he could have been flattered by the attention.

It is a fact that we have to accept that men in general do not put s*x and love together, (people I said in general!!) This however does not permit them to proceed and hurt their partners. They need to learn to keep their trousers zipped and rather go home and eat there.

So good luck in whatever road you take

sportbeth

Oh yes. It could well be that she did just as much chasing as him. She even said at one point "Would it be fair for me to assume that there were issues in your relationship before I came on the scene?" Erm... not that I knew of luv, we were planning a wedding and had just bought a house. So there is a deflection of blame there too.

My ex-best friend used to try and s*&g anything that went near her. I remember going away for a weekend with her once and joking on the first night that the fit looking guy I had seen was mine (I was single then and she was married with two kids) she then proceeded to twirl around him like a showpony and ended up in bed with him that night in our apartment.

Shortly after that she had an ongoing affair with a man who's girlfriend was pregnant. I told her exactly what I thought of her. But, she was a very attractive woman who couldn't give up the attention once she got married and leave other people's men alone.

Funnily enough the woman in question here apparently used to do modelling and sent Mr Sportbeth a photo of herself in a professional shot.

Maybe there's a type of woman that does this as an ego boost just as much as a man does. Doesn't forgive him for one second but from reading her e-mails I think she is the type that I have met before and know well.

Alikay

sportbeth wrote: »

Maybe there's a type of woman that does this as an ego boost just as much as a man does. Doesn't forgive him for one second but from reading her e-mails I think she is the type that I have met before and know well.

I agree, there are some terrifyingly predatory women around! That doesn't excuse his weakness, though, nor his wilful refusal to be honest with you.

Errata

Truly sorry to read you're having a rotten time, OP. You mention you 'might be able to understand one day'. Perhaps you might be able to understand now if he'll explain to you what he got from the other woman that he couldn't get from you. If I've understood correctly, there hasn't been anything physical? So what did he get out of it? Better dinners than yours? More interesting conversation? The excitement of playing away from home?
And if it turns out that it was physical, have you thought about telling him you're going to get yourself checked for infection? Of course, whether you do or not is your decision, but it might give him a lightbulb moment, after all you'll be sleeping with everyone the other woman and her hustband has slept with if you see what I mean, and if the other woman is playing away from home her husband might be doing the same. Hope this helps.

victory

Good luck sportsbeth only you know what is right to do...

sportbeth

OK,

Update on this. about a fortnight ago I got hold of both of them by the preverbials.

In essence it was a one night stand back in february that then turned into an affair over e-mail, texts and the occasional meeting that they both assure me wasn't physical, just lots of "sighing and if we had of met each other before our partners what would it have become?"

Not sure what is happening between him and I now but I have another dilemna.

All the way through this she knew about me. She knew we were engaged and planning our wedding. I have been through the worst 6 months of my life (it was driving me insane and I have never felt like that before) I've lost a stone in weight and cried every day for 6 months. He has also treated me like cattle during this time making me think that I have been going mad (I've confronted him with several incidents in the last 6 months that made me suspicious and he screwed it all up to make himself look innocent)

So regardless of what happens between him and me, I now have this woman texting and e-mailing me, begging me not to tell her husband and she is really sticking the knife in by telling me that she has two young kids and that's why I should protect her.

Half of me wants everyone to know where they stand so that they can make an educated judgement. That part of me wants her to feel just some of the anguish and terror that she has put upon me. The other part of me wants to not say anything because I feel morally obligated to her children.

I have enough dirt on her to go to her husband and drop her right in it without making it as painful for him as it was for me, a full confession from her on e-mail. I also think she has done this before as she is saying that he will boot her out 100% guaranteed if he ever thinks she has been unfaithful. I have her husbands work and home address and home and mobile telephone number.

What would you do if you were in my situation? All suggestions gratefully recieved!

Jet

Sportbeth,

Thanks for coming on and sharing that.

It's a difficult one isn't it? You must feel like you want her to feel some of what you have felt.

I don't think you should worry about protecting anyone - they should have thought about that at the time. It shows what sort of coward (people that have affairs normally are cowards) if she is begging you not to spill the beans. The think is her marriage and kids are NOT your problem and neither should she have the audacity to make it feel like it is.

Personally, I would not do anything. Like I say, it's not your problem. Ignore her and concentrate on you and what you want right now. be the bigger person and let it go but I am not suggesting that if her husband came to you and asked you, you should lie for her and him.

The thing is if she is not happy in her marriage and is looking for an "escape" because she isn't strong enough to deal with the marriage problems, she will find someone else at some point and there is nothing you can do to stop that is there?

lynzpower

If you care about the children

Half of me wants everyone to know where they stand so that they can make an educated judgement. That part of me wants her to feel just some of the anguish and terror that she has put upon me. The other part of me wants to not say anything because I feel morally obligated to her children.

If you are morally obligated to the children ( i think i would feel that too) then surely that would encourage you more to tell him.

At the end of the day, she has made the choice to destroy her own family by cheating on her husband, betraying the vows, and so on, then surely her family would be more stable once they know whats been going on. shes probably lied to her OH in the same way youve been lied to.

I would tell. Id say its my moral duty to protect others from further upset. Lets face it the longer lies are told for the worse it is when the truth outs itself.

sportbeth

No you're right, I think she would go and do it again. And it's like reporting a crime, I want more than anything to make sure that no-one ever has that amount of damage done to them like I have had done to me.

It is a tough one. Any more thoughts anyone?

paddy's_mum

Yes, I have some thoughts. If you decide to spill the beans, you will almost certainly cause untold pain and misery to both the other woman's husband and the innocent children. If the husband throws his wife out and the children are still relatively young, the loss of the family as a unit could scar those children for the rest of their lives.

I so understand the stressful place that you are in but is it really going to achieve anything to tell the tale? If the husband or wife suffers so much in the coming months, are you one day going to come on here and say "the man/woman has committed suicide - how can I live with my guilt - why didn't I just keep quiet?"

It is all very easy to be sat at a keyboard seeing other peoples' problems clearly and unemotionally but I would ask what you think revelation will actually achieve. Perhaps the husband already knows that his wife is unreliable but loves her anyway and would turn all kinds of a blind eye to keep his family intact. If you force him to face up to perhaps an unpleasant truth, it may be that he forgives her but hates you.

In the final analysis, it is your man who has cheated on you. She is but the accessory and an onlooker could go so far as to say that she had no moral obligations whatever to you. The wrong was committed by him and it is him I would find so very hard to forgive.

Not at all sure that's what you would want to hear but would urge you to think very carefully indeed before saying something that once said, cannot be withdrawn. I wish you well.