Affair - should I stay or should I go?

skyrocket

tell him beth.
you owe her nothing and she is a disgrace for thinking you do.
her husband and her children deserve to see what she is all about.
if you don't she will only cause someone else the pain and suffering that you have had, she has form for it after all.
and don't forget although you love him, your OH also put you through this.
predatory b%$*"es like her make me sick, and so do the weak men who entertain them.
hugs for you beth, you deserve better than this.
xx

Kimitatsu

Beth

I understand that at the moment you are angry and hurting but will you feel any better (honestly) if you wreck her husbands life as well as hers?

Personally I wouldnt marry your fella, if you cant trust him then you cant trust him, and with 3 months to go to your wedding are you really going to forget all of that in that time? Or are you going to stand at the top of that aisle and wonder what he really did on his stag night. The fact that he had a One night stand and then kept emailing this woman says it all to me, move on and find someone who deserves your love and life.

You dont strike me as a doormat so why are you letting him treat you as one? And why are you even entertaining this womans communications? Neither of them are doing you any good, so let them stew, dont sit and agonise about whether you should tell her husband or not, just move on.

It may be that if you do it will all back fire and he will blame you and your fella, not his wife - for some love is truly blind.

Good luck with whatever you decide - go and book yourself a weekend away to be pampered and think about what YOU want to do not anyone else.

fairy3

Hi Sportsbeth

So sorry you are hurting and going through this, please go back and read both Jet and Paddy's mum's advice, very sensible and grounded.

I know it is easy to place all your anger on her and want revenge but this will only serve to create more chaos and drama and even when that is all over which it inevitably will be, what will you be left with?

A lying, cheating partner who has been gaslighting you over tha last six months to the point where you are feeling ill? Only you can decide SP but a house cannot be worth this surely? Yes I know, you love him and it hurts but you need some time to sort yourself out.

I would suggest you try and remove yourself from the situation as much as possible, do not enter into any dialogue with her, delete texts, change number whatever it takes. She is not your problem.

Please start looking after yourself too, eat, drink, take exercise, talk to friends and start thinking about what your needs and wants are. If you can distance yourself from your BF for a bit, do so, tell him you are thinking about what you need, go for a night out even if it's the last thing you want to do.

Other posters have suggested postponing the wedding and I agree, this is not the time.

Whatever you decide to do I wish you well.

G
x

fairy3

Kimitatsu

Your post wasn't there when I started! We think alike, hope Beth takes it on board. She is worth so much more.

G
x

grimelda

I also think you should tell the husband. You don't owe her anything and what he doesn't know CAN hurt him. What if he catches an STD from her? Or she gets pregnant with someone else's child? Or he just spends months wondering but not knowing for certain whether she is or isn't with someone else, just as you have done all these months? You mention the kids, but in my opinion she should have thought of that before spreading her legs for your fiance!


I'm sorry he is cheating on you. If you are ever to trust him again he needs to operate from a position of total transparency. Nothing should be kept private for as long as it takes for the relationship to recover. The fact that he's playing mindgames (gaslighting is a good term for it) and making you doubt your own sanity is just awful and no basis for a genuine relationship.

Of course it is easy for us to say, but I think that if you have any doubts you should call off or at the very least postpone the wedding and put some space between you and your fiance until you figure out whether the relationship is worth salvaging.

Good luck. Please keep coming to this board for moral support.

Curious_George_2

Kimitatsu wrote: »

I understand that at the moment you are angry and hurting but will you feel any better (honestly) if you wreck her husbands life as well as hers?

this is the problem i have... WHO is responsible for wrecking the husbands life?
sportbeth? or his cheating wife?
she is only sorry because she has been caught out!
I dont see how the effects of the other womans family finding out what a lying cow she is can be any of Beths responsibility,

Personally I wouldnt marry your fella, if you cant trust him then you cant trust him, and with 3 months to go to your wedding are you really going to forget all of that in that time? Or are you going to stand at the top of that aisle and wonder what he really did on his stag night. The fact that he had a One night stand and then kept emailing this woman says it all to me, move on and find someone who deserves your love and life.

this i completely agree with,
I wouldnt even be entertaining the idea of marrying him,
everytime he was late home i would wonder, everytime he shut his laptop or closed down a window on the pc when i walked in the room i would wonder, if his phone was on silent.... if we got a silent call / wrong number.... if he hid his phone...if he went on a night out... all these things that could in reality be totally innocent would drive me NUTS,

If the person your OH cheats with is single and genuinely didnt know the guy was not, then as far as im concerned they have been duped as much as you,
but if they knew about you and went right ahead regardless of your feelings and hopes for the future... then i say f**k 'em
they got caught, they should face the consequences, not try to emotionally blackmail the already hurt and confused innocent party into keeping the secret.
why the hell should they?

paddy's_mum

Curious George wrote in post no. 87 about "the .. family finding out". Surely the point here is not that they find out by some unlucky mischance but that sportbeth proposes to tell them - that's a whole different kettle of fish in my book.

What nobody has yet said is what, EXACTLY, spilling the beans will achieve - world peace, happy-ever-after, an end to want and hunger? Perhaps the true answer would be revenge, punishment, retaliation - but will sportbeth feel good about herself and her treacherous fiance once the stuff has hit the fan? It is my view that she cannot avoid getting equally splattered in the cross-fire.

sportbeth - I understand what you are going through and what you have already suffered but why is so much of your anger directed at the other woman when virtually ALL of it ought to be directed at your man. Don't let your hurt and rage lead you into a situation where you do something which demeans you in your own eyes. Let go and be the best you you can be. Good luck.

Imelda

God, this brings back memories. My ex was cheating on me with an old school friend (cliched, friends reunited thing). I found out and we even tried making a go of it for a while. I couldn't forgive him though, every time he was late home, made a secretive phone call etc I would explode.
I didn't tell the girl's boyfriend, even though I would have loved to share the pain. I thought it would make things easier for them to be together.
As it turns out he found out anyway, he threw her out and the next day my ex split up with me. He was obviously just keeping me strung along until he could move on to her.
She moved into my house as soon as I moved out.
They are still together and although I have a fantastic OH now it still leaves a bitter taste in my mouth.
At no time did I regret not telling the boyfriend, I'm not so sure I would feel the same way now if I had told him.

Forget everyone else sportbeth- what have you got to gain by telling him? In these situations it is easier to shoot the messenger....
My sister and I have fallen out BIG time, last year I caught her cheating on her OH. She knows my feelings about it and I was disgusted with her. We had a full on fight over it as she believed I would tell her OH. I didn't and still haven't. She still won't speak to me though. I don't see what I have to gain by telling him, even though now I have nothing to lose and telling him would be fantastic revenge on my sister. I think it would just look spiteful.

I would concentrate on myself and my relationship, forget about her (well try to anyway) and look after yourself. Only you can decide whether you can still get married but please do not stay for financial reasons as you will regret it in a few years time.

Imelda x

conradmum

Dear God, sportsbeth, DO NOT marry this man!!
Why would you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who's not only been unfaithful to you, but hasn't even had the respect for you to tell you the truth about it, and has instead let you go through 6 months of sheer hell in order to save himself the shame of admitting it! How arrogant, selfish and inconsiderate can you get? And you haven't kicked him out yet?!?:eek:
People DO NOT change! How many more warning signals to you need? Where is your self respect?
I'm sorry to be so harsh but you are signing yourself up to a lifetime of misery if you stay with this person, and it'll be a lot easier to leave now than when you have two kids, have been at home for a few years and have no money and no prospects of a job, because leave him you will.
There are plenty of men out there who are decent and will LOVE and RESPECT you.
I'm puzzled as to why you're agonising over telling the husband when a far more important issue is at hand, but, FWIW, feelings of revenge aside, I would tell him. He deserves to know.

sportbeth

Curious_George wrote: »

was sportbeth better off not knowing for definate?
driving yourself crazy with suspicions and trying to pick the lies out of every conversation is no fun for anybody,
its possible he knows and doesnt care (not likely though) but maybe he is in the same position as OP was a few months ago, maybe he suspects but cant prove it.... maybe he lays awake at night thinking it over and its making the poor bloke doubt every word the deceptive witch says.... there is NO way her behaviour hasnt noticably changed since all this came out,

why doesnt he deserve to know?
why should SB carry the burden of this dirty secret when she is one of the 2 innocent parties,
I hate all that 'what you dont know cant hurt you' cop out stuff, the majority of liars get caught out in the end, wouldnt you rather be told now than find out in a few years time you have been living a lie? that everyone knew about?

if these people cant face the consequences then maybe they should keep their pants on.

I would hope that her behaviour in the past fortnight has made her other half suspicious, and believe me, its the not knowing that drives you nuts more than anything!

Re OH and I, not sure what's happening. We're off on a week's break next week to talk and relax and just try and get away from everything, to be honest I know that I'm too numb to make a decent decision right now and any reaction is all emotive at this point in time.

He knows that I want to tell her hubby, he was going to do it himself as a reactive attempt to make me feel better but I told him that would just put him firmly in the firing line.

We talked about it last night and agreed that giving her time to tell him herself would be foolish, What would any human do in that situation? Back themselves in a corner and then explain it in such a way that totally twists it to their advantage. "He wouldn't leave me alone, she's been threatening me, he keeps texting me all the time" Then you end up with him on your doorstep at 3am and calling the police to remove him.

I do agree though that morals aside, I know that I cannot keep the secret and I don't see why I should. I am the disgustingly injured party and if I don't say anything I will kick myself for doing something to keep the peace and no I do not want the witch's gratitude for keeping her family together when the happiest time of my life has been shattered by her and him. It would rub on me forever and I know it.

Still thinking at the moment about what and how and how much to tell, but in the meantime I have told him that I don't want her contacting him or me. She texted him yesterday when he was in a function and he couldn't talk and now she's asked him to call her when he can this morning. I said to him that since this all exploded she's still hanging around like a bad smell every day that is getting more and more putrid.