Affair - should I stay or should I go?

melancholly

Kimitatsu wrote: »

Paddys Mum you are just as entitled to your opinion as anyone else on here.

that is undoubtably ture, however, it did not need to be put across in such an attacking way to try and make the poor girl feel worse than she already does. i'm not sure it's what i would have done but thankfully i have not been put in such an impossible situation due to other people's actions. the condemnation in this situation should be directed at those who purpetrated the affair...... i don't see how kicking sportbeth while she's down is appropriate?

Errata

Anyone is entitled to post an opinion, it's an open forum. I hope the OP takes what she needs from posts and ignores what she doesn't.
My opinion is that she's done the right thing. Her OH has put her sexual health at risk by sleeping with someone else who is sleeping with someone else who may well be sleeping with many others. He's given to another woman something she has no right to. He has cheated the OP and has robbed the other woman's husband and children of the loyalty they are entitled to.

mae

I've just read your post and I really feel for all concerned especially you and the other womans partner. I think not knowing and feeling others do is one of the most humiliating things as we all feel we should be the ones who know everything about our partners.
I don't envy your decision and wouldn't have know what to advise you but it looks like the deed has been done now so the one thing I would like to add is that you didn't rush into this as you could have done for revenge etc you considered all options and then made your decision so you have nothing to reproach yourself for. I hope now everything is out in the open you can start to work things out and move forward in what ever decision you make.
Good luck.

paddy's_mum

There was no intention to be cruel. A very quick scan of all my previous posts will show that my normal response is to be as helpful and courteous as I can be.

However, I have been in similar situations several times in my life, as have close members of my family. I do not speak from lack of experience, sadly, and know only too well the suffering and anguish that a broken home can inflict on children.

My cousin was in exactly sportbeth's position and told the wife what her husband had been up to. Many months later, when the other man's family had split up over it, she bumped into the wife one day. The wife and children had been reduced to virtual penury (the husband was the main breadwinner) and were living in shabby rented accommodation. The wife told my cousin that if not to know would have saved her home and young family, she would have chosen never to know. My cousin sobbed for days and for months could only say how she wished she had never said anything. Let the wife find out through some other way - not be the catalyst for such dreadful results.

Presumably the other woman's children in sportbeth's scenario are young. All those who have castigated me and are mothers themselves, think on this. Just what do you assume is going on in that husband's house tonight? Tears, recriminations, screaming rows, utter agony of the soul? What did the children do to deserve being caught up in that? Take it a step further in your imagination. Has the husband already taken a carving knife to his wife? Is he on his way round to baseball bat the fiance? Has he already taken the children and driven over a cliff? You have only to open a newspaper on any day of the week to realise that such things are an all too common occurrence in a fraught situation such as this.

It is not enough, in my view, to say that the other woman should not have dropped her knickers. Neither should sportbeth's other half and what has telling done to prevent her ever straying again. There could be a case to be made that keeping the other woman in suspense for weeks or months might have made her so fearful of catastrophe that she would never stray again for the rest of her life. However, if her husband throws her out, what more is there to lose and so what reason not to become a woman who will go after anybody's man, including sportbeth's fiance, if the mood takes her?

I totally agree that sportbeth is an innocent in the actual affair and deserves so much better than the shoddy dish her fiance has served up to her. However, he is more to blame, in my view, than the other woman for it is the fiance who betrayed the OP. Her anger has curiously not been directed so much at him as it appears to have been towards the other woman. So much so, that she and fiance are going off on holiday next week, apparently. Why is the anger being misdirected?

Earlier in this thread, I asked what, exactly, was going to be achieved by blowing the whistle. Perhaps somebody could tell me now. I do not believe that the husband is ever going to be grateful to sportbeth - remember the saying 'don't shoot the messenger'.

Sportbeth has no culpability in the affair whatever. However, she has apparently chosen to spill the beans now and it is that that I simply cannot fathom. In the moment that she did so, did all her anguish and feelings of loss simply disappear off her shoulders or will she, in months to come, begin to realise that she has indeed, as I suggested in an earlier post, just put herself in a position to get hurt in the cross-fire?

I would finally add that we are all entitled to hold and express an opinion. If I didn't want to know what others thought, I would not ask in such an open environment as the internet and never discuss such things on a public forum for the world and his wife to comment upon.

mae

Paddy's mum I just wanted to say your post made perfect sense and was very real and heartfelt. I beleive you were not tryin to attack the origianl poster and you are entitled to your opinion equally to others.
That said I also feel OP is not in a stable state of mind (not saying your mad OP) as in she is very vulnerable at the moment and this could cloud her usual judgement. Maybe she will be happy she has told maybe she won't and there is only OP who can know this.
I also have to agree about the anger being directed more to the woman, not saying she should now start being angry at him but meaning maybe OP you could now let go of the anger towards her and put your efforts into you and your partner and which way you are going to go with your future. As I said before I wish you good luck you have been in a terrible position over this.

Before people start attacking Paddys mum for her posts read them again she is only expressing another view point and in my opinion a valid one.

elite_2

mae wrote: »

Paddy's mum I just wanted to say your post made perfect sense and was very real and heartfelt. I beleive you were not tryin to attack the origianl poster and you are entitled to your opinion equally to others.
That said I also feel OP is not in a stable state of mind (not saying your mad OP) as in she is very vulnerable at the moment and this could cloud her usual judgement. Maybe she will be happy she has told maybe she won't and there is only OP who can know this.
I also have to agree about the anger being directed more to the woman, not saying she should now start being angry at him but meaning maybe OP you could now let go of the anger towards her and put your efforts into you and your partner and which way you are going to go with your future. As I said before I wish you good luck you have been in a terrible position over this.

Before people start attacking Paddys mum for her posts read them again she is only expressing another view point and in my opinion a valid one.

I agree, now is not the time to bring up these issues, a very difficult call to make

Just read through the whole thread, and wanted to say that I'm thinking of you, and that it all works out for the best

Hugs

Curious_George_2

paddy's_mum wrote: »

The wife and children had been reduced to virtual penury (the husband was the main breadwinner) and were living in shabby rented accommodation. The wife told my cousin that if not to know would have saved her home and young family, she would have chosen never to know. My cousin sobbed for days and for months could only say how she wished she had never said anything.

hardly your cousins fault and not sportbeths either...
why should either of these people feel responsible for the actions of thier cheating partners?
I wholeheartedly agree thats its the cheating OH that should be taking the blame... after all its him/her thats betrayed the trust but why should you as the already over burdened innocent party then be held accountable for everyone elses actions,
if the main breadwinner gets found out and the family end up as poor little urchin chimney sweeps :rolleyes:
really... WHO is to blame?
talk about shooting the messenger.....

Presumably the other woman's children in sportbeth's scenario are young. All those who have castigated me and are mothers themselves, think on this. Just what do you assume is going on in that husband's house tonight? Tears, recriminations, screaming rows, utter agony of the soul? What did the children do to deserve being caught up in that? Take it a step further in your imagination. Has the husband already taken a carving knife to his wife? Is he on his way round to baseball bat the fiance? Has he already taken the children and driven over a cliff? You have only to open a newspaper on any day of the week to realise that such things are an all too common occurrence in a fraught situation such as this.

emotional blackmail... classy!
again... other peoples mental state is nothing to do with beth, and the stuff going on in that house tonight is probably quite similar to what the OP herself has been going through since march.
if the husband is incapable of expressing himself without a baseball bat then the cheating wife would have been aware of it and should have had the decency to split with him before opening her legs for anyone else,
you cant live your life worrying about what the cranks in this world are going to do at any given moment... or there is no point ever leaving the house.

However, if her husband throws her out, what more is there to lose and so what reason not to become a woman who will go after anybody's man, including sportbeth's fiance, if the mood takes her?

how is that different to what she has done already?

Her anger has curiously not been directed so much at him as it appears to have been towards the other woman. So much so, that she and fiance are going off on holiday next week, apparently. Why is the anger being misdirected?
Sportbeth has no culpability in the affair whatever. However, she has apparently chosen to spill the beans now and it is that that I simply cannot fathom. In the moment that she did so, did all her anguish and feelings of loss simply disappear off her shoulders or will she, in months to come, begin to realise that she has indeed, as I suggested in an earlier post, just put herself in a position to get hurt in the cross-fire?

you dont know there has only been misdirected anger!....nobody needs to post on a forum to ask how to be angry with a cheating partner, im sure it comes quite naturally... she has asked for advice on how to handle things she is not quite sure on... like having the other woman in regular contact begging for favours,
she really doesnt need to list every row, every frosty reception and every heart to heart she has had with her man on here for all of us to pick over.
WE turned this thread into a debate about the other woman.

you said in your other post that you hope that "the fiance doesn't decide that he wants nothing more to do with somebody who has behaved in such a way" but really who the hell is he to get on his high horse at this point?
he is damn lucky he is still being spoken too let alone getting the opportunity to get moral at this late stage.

fairy3

SB I am assuming as paddy's mum that you have told her husband. I have to agree with PM's post and thanked her before I had time to respond. Everyone is entiltled to their opinion and this is a public board. PM's post was well thought out and considered in my opinion and should not have been given the response it was.

Whilst I still do not agree with your decision, I posted earlier it is done and is now out of your hands. You have no need to concern yourself anymore with either of them and possibly now you will be able to focus on you and your partner?

I truly hope things work out for the best SB.

Take care of yourself.

G
x

pulliptears

Sorry Paddysmum, but Ive never read such a load of twaddle.

The only woman who wouldnt want to know if her husband was having an affair would be a complete doormat.

lynzpower

Beth has obviously spent a hell of a long time agonising over this, asking opinions from us, and been torn apart querying what to do.

Now she has made a decision thats right for her, I cannot see ( whether you believe she has done the right thing or not, thats really by the by) what positives there are for slagging down the OP, for making a careful and considered decision to act in the way she has.

Hugs to you beth, you have done what is right for you, so no matter what "we say" its what is right for you and your life and that is above all what matters

Lynz xx