Affair - should I stay or should I go?

r.mac_2

Sportbeth

I just wanted to say thank you for coming back and telling us what happened. That must have been hard for you too.

I just wanted to say good luck for the future - whatever happens. And I for one hope to continue to see you around mse as usual.

best wishes
r.mac

Curious_George_2

sportbeth wrote: »

She then turned very nasty later that day telling me that I was the bad guy now and that she hoped that I lived with the conscience of what I had done to her children.

the saucy b!tch....
honestly, the nerve of some people just makes my blood boil!

dont you dare let that slack knickered cow make you feel an ounce of guilt!
if she had stuck to the promises she made on her wedding day then her children would have nothing to worry about....
any consequences brought about by this are her own doing, and if you ever start to doubt yourself just think "why should i have done her this huge favour... what did she ever do for me" and when the only answer you can come up with is 'sh@g my finace' then i think you have every right to feel justified in what you did,

grimelda

I just want to add my voice to the chorus of 'you did the right thing by telling.'

I had a BF who cheated on me once. I really wish I had known earlier, so I hadn't spent months wasting my time building a future with the guy. I am just glad he didn't give me any diseases.

I am glad to hear that you can now hold your head up and have achieved some kind of resolution on the matter. Good luck for the future.

esthomizzy

Dear Beth

Well done on doing the right thing for you. I would have supported your decision either way and although people on here have their opinions it's your opinion and decision that counts and either way you chose would have been right for you. The fact that you now feel able to hold your head up tells you you did make the right decision. Whatever she might say to you about the matter you know that you are not the one in the wrong. Her family would have been no better off being in the dark for longer, if she got the idea she could get away with it she would have carried on taking the same risks, perhaps with different people over the years and her family would have been traumatised sooner or later and when they did if they known earlier they could have started rebuilding their lives so much earlier perhaps even years earlier.

In fact as an example I know of a couple (now retired) where the husband had been cheating on his wife for over 30 years, she did not know for the entire time but when she did she decided to try and make a go of it and forgive. Because he'd got away with it that time it wasn't long before he was at it again and never really stopped. They are still nominally together. I don't know whether she wishes she'd left years ago but if I was her I'd wish I'd known straight away and left when I was younger.

I also think it was very kind of you to not show the husband the very worst of what you saw. There was no reason to be needlessly cruel to him and you weren't.

It's going to be hard but I'm sure your friends will support you and in a while you'll be glad (maybe you are already) you didn't waste any more of your life on this relationship which it turned out wasn't based on the trust, love and respect that you initially hoped.

BIG HUGS
XXX
Esthomizzy

Jet

First of all thanks to Sportbeth for coming back on here and sharing with us.

However, at the risk of being slated, I do question what this is REALLY all about. Is it really about being fair to the husband or is it actually about getting revenge on this woman and making her suffer (and innocent husband and children too)?

Whilst I am not suggesting any of this is Sportbeth's fault, I really think the focus should be on her fiance and she should be looking to deal with him and her potential future marriage.

This woman is just an accessory to the fact that your husband to be is not to be trusted. There will always be other women out there, the issue is if you can trust your partner. It is tempting to think that it is all this woman's fault, but is it?

Sometimes it's easier to focus on other people because to focus on something closer to home means life changing decisions for you.

KittyKate

Just sat and read this whole thread. WELL DONE for finally being able to hold your head high Beth. I would have done the same and told him too - not for revenge, but on the basis that I'd want to know if the same was happening to me - and I have been there, and it made leaving my loser ex all that much easier.

Personally I would ask your OH to leave, too. I can't see how you can ever trust him again, and it doesn't 'feel' like he was been 100% honest with you even when confessing. I can't buy the 'oh we didn't do anything, we just talked about it' line (that ALL caught out men seem to use). Funny how they're willing to lie and cheat up to that point, but draw a line at physical intimacy? Nope, don't believe it. A lack of respect won't draw moral lines in the sand.

However, I do wish you all the best in whatever you choose to do, the most important thing is that YOU are happy and with that you can trust those around you with your life. Have a good hard think and do what's right for you, not what others say. You are a strong person, don't forget!

sportbeth

Jet wrote: »

First of all thanks to Sportbeth for coming back on here and sharing with us.

However, at the risk of being slated, I do question what this is REALLY all about. Is it really about being fair to the husband or is it actually about getting revenge on this woman and making her suffer (and innocent husband and children too)?

Whilst I am not suggesting any of this is Sportbeth's fault, I really think the focus should be on her fiance and she should be looking to deal with him and her potential future marriage.

This woman is just an accessory to the fact that your husband to be is not to be trusted. There will always be other women out there, the issue is if you can trust your partner. It is tempting to think that it is all this woman's fault, but is it?

Sometimes it's easier to focus on other people because to focus on something closer to home means life changing decisions for you.

I never thought for one second that it was all the other woman's fault, I always knew it was 50/50 each way. I just think that regardless of where my focus was in the last two weeks, if you were sat with the fury that I have had for the past 6 months and the desperation of having someone else do that to you (blame or no blame) You'd focus like me on baby steps to get you where you need to be.

For now I have done what makes me comfortable by not ever being beholden to this woman or her beholden to me. It made me feel good that the final ball was in my court and I did what I knew (imagine not thinking of anything else for 2 weeks or sleeping at all) after strong deliberation that I needed to do what I did.

Next step is to sort out in my head what I want to do about him. In the last 6 months I have swung on this issue massively each day because I am an emotional wreck and I change daily.

The next baby step is about to begin, so please don't think that I am avoiding the main issue here chaps!

immoral_angeluk

Once a cheat always a cheat. I would only stay if I was willing to end up with a broken heart over and over again.

love_lifer

hiya

have you considered counselling via Relate? then you may be able to get to the bottom of why your bf had an affair and work out if you 2 can still make a go of it. having a third party who is completely objective can be a real bonus in such situations

good luck

Jet

sportbeth wrote: »

You'd focus like me on baby steps to get you where you need to be.
It made me feel good that the final ball was in my court and I did what I knew (imagine not thinking of anything else for 2 weeks or sleeping at all)

Next step is to sort out in my head what I want to do about him. In the last 6 months I have swung on this issue massively each day because I am an emotional wreck and I change daily.

The next baby step is about to begin, so please don't think that I am avoiding the main issue here chaps!

Sportbeth,

i know exactly how you feel because I have been in your shoes. And I so wanted to hate that woman. It took another episode for me to realise that my issue was with him and no one else.

Please think carefully and remember words (from him) are easy but look at his actions.

I hope you have a happy ending - whatever that may be.