Affair - should I stay or should I go?

sportbeth

Curious_George wrote: »

In Beths situation, I would have told the husband without any guilt or having to accept responsibility for anything,
he deserves to know he is being strung along by a lying deceitful woman who he probably thinks he can trust,
he has been lied to for months, maybe years...who knows if this is her first affair, seriously... who knows if those kids are even his?
shouldnt he be allowed to decide wether she is the kind of woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with?

Morning all,

Well if nothing else is achieved from this I have at least sparked off a lively debate!

first things first (there are so many people to put answers to!) I will explain what happened.

On Wednesday evening I posted a package guaranteed delivery to the attention of the husband. In it contained a letter from me, apologising for my news and any hidden meanings or motives. It was a heartfelt letter (well how else could you put it?) and I was extremely diplomatic saying that neither her or my partner were more to blame and I hoped that he would offer me the humility of not endangering anybody's safety.

I explained what I knew, and copied in a milder e-mail that I knew would leave him in no doubt but didn't contain anything like the stuff I had seen that upset me so much.

Later on yesterday he called me to ask a few questions. He was miraculously calm (shock, been there) and he thanked me for letting him know.

She then turned very nasty later that day telling me that I was the bad guy now and that she hoped that I lived with the conscience of what I had done to her children. Make of that comment what you will.

Late last night he called and spoke to my partner. He threw the same insults that I had to her when we first spoke, and at the end of the call he agreed that we would never hear from them again (I had requested that in my letter to him that we went our separate ways after he had asked me anything he needed to know.)

So that's what happened. As for me, I have gained no pleasure from this, I didn't smile when I knew he had recieved my information, in fact when he called me and said his name my knees nearly buckled underneath me from the fear and panic that I can now not go back on what I have done.

I have no doubt that they are doing exactly what my partner and I have done for the last 6 months and will do for the rest of this weekend. I have no doubt that he was visibly shaking as was I and I have no doubt that he has never imagined such emotional pain and for that I am truly sorry. I also have no doubt that they will have no wine glasses left in their house by the end of the month as they will all have been smashed against walls mid-fight (yes I did that too)

I understand that on a forum you will never recieve 100% agreement for an opinion or moral question and lets face it, that's why we enjoy them so much. And I truly thank all the people who have taken so much time to give me such great advice and also to those who have played devils advocate and make me think even harder about the results of my actions.

Rightly or wrongly I did what was right for me, and I will have to continue to make those decisions over the coming months. In my mind she has now shown me that she considered that what she did to me and my relationship and to hers was in her head morally acceptable...... until she got caught. Now I am the bad guy. I can live with that.

Last night when I came home I walked down the street for the first time in ages with my head held high. I have been hunched over and sad for months. I will always have to live with what I did, but I cannot live with the fact that someone did that to me and never took a look back. Call it revenge, call it bitter and nasty. For my money I did what I needed to do to move on regardless of what happens now. I could never ever live with her gratitude for my silence so I took the horrible decision to try and piece myself back together.

enemes

Well Done. You were right to do what you did, as I said in an earlier post. The significant outcome is that you were able to walk down the street with your head up high ... that shows you have dignity amidst all the mayhem that others have caused.

You said it ... what a debate!

Thanks for it, and thanks for letting us know of the outcome ... been a bit of a serial!

ifstar

Good on you beth, you have done the right thing in my opinion. You obviously thought it through and told him in the best possible way. Glad you are feeling a lot better now, I am sure a huge weight has been lifted off your shoulders.

One thing I wasn't sure about was how the other woman managed to get in contact with you in the past (maybe I just missed that when reading the thread).

andyrules

It is not impossible that the other man already knew or suspected. SB has started the ball rolling to end the lies and secrecy. She has agonised for months over being in the hapless situation of feeling that she is still being lied to/deceived/her life being out of her control . Now she may get some peace, whatever the outcome. She is NOT responsible for any action taken by other people.

What if she marries this man and finds out he is still pining for the other one? Maybe now, as someone has said, the pair will get together - better for all now than later on when more children could be involved. If she had kept quiet, who's to say the affair won't pick up again? This is her life that has been sent into turmoil by her oh and the woman, of course it involves other people but that is NOT SB's fault. Anyone could tell the 'other man' at any time, and as I've said, he probably already knows or has a good idea.

Good luck SB, you look after YOURSELF in this as no-one else will.

sportbeth

Sorry, forgot to quote this from the message before last


When I caught him it was because he had fallen asleep with his phone in his hand with a text from her saying "Where is she?" I picked up his phone and called her.

Later that night I sent a message to her from my phone saying "All yours now, I hope it was worth it" I guess if you got that sort of message at 2am you wouldn't have to rack your brains to guess who it was from?

andyrules

ifstar wrote: »

One thing I wasn't sure about was how the other woman managed to get in contact with you in the past (maybe I just missed that when reading the thread).

Yes, I wondered that, but I think it shows that people are very aware of the situation, and that the secrecy is just a shroud covering the lies, deceit and betrayal.

andyrules

[quote=sportbeth;6101269

For my money I did what I needed to do to move on regardless of what happens now. I could never ever live with her gratitude for my silence so I took the horrible decision to try and piece myself back together.[/quote]

I think that says it all. You are not responsible for the results of other people's actions, any more than you are responsible for their actions.
Now you can draw a line under it and feel in control again. FWIW I believe that if you had chosen to do nothing, you would regret it.

Good luck.

ps my previous posts crossed with yours I think!

taxi97w

I would have got her to buy my silence for a couple of grand, bribe me basically.
Then a couple of weeks later tell the hubby anyway.
But it's too late now.

pulliptears

Well done you, and you should hold your head high.

Where you go with your fiancee is another matter I suppose. Personal thoughts are my mothers words of "Once a cheat always a cheat" and having watched my sis in law and her OH thats something I agree with. Good luck in
whatever you decide.

As for the should she shouldnt she debate, again I look to sis in law, who recently spent a few weeks tearing out her hair with strong suspicion that something was wrong. She knew all along and was thoroughly miserable. If someone had done for her what sportbeth did it would have saved a whole lot of paranoia etc

ukbandit

well done you did the right thing. he had the right to know. let her say what she likes but she did do the crime, and now must pay the fine anddo the time.